The Boston Celtics won the 2008 NBA Finals today in one of the most dominant games in a series I’ve seen (since Michael Jordan). Pretty much anything that is cool, exciting, or excellent regarding basketball, you could always through in the caveat since Michael Jordan, so let’s just abbreviate that as SMJ from this point forward.

I’ve been a long time Celtics fan for three reasons. First, being from Oklahoma I’m a pro sports free agent. We’re pretty much equidistant from Kansas City or Dallas, so there wasn’t a regional team that I felt obliged to. Instead, I cheered for players, which is why I inexplicably like the Buffalo Bills. I started watching football in earnest in the early 90s and Thurman Thomas is an OSU graduate. And they were good. I’m not ashamed to admit I’m a front runner and I proudly proclaim that I’m a band wagon jumper.

The second reason is Larry Bird is the white man’s Jordan, Ali, and Pele all rolled into one. In a sport dominated by faster, stronger, and more athletic black guys, seeing our redneck representative on the court was heartwarming. Now I love AI, NWA, and soul food, but just as my pal Johnnie can’t admit that OJ was guilty as part of a genetic obligation, its mine to revere Larry Legend.

The third and most legitimate reason was that we had a Japanese college student boarding with us at my grandmother’s house, Kuo. For a poor white kid under 10 years of age and obsessed with ninjas, the Asian borders my grandmother took in were about as cool as anything I could imagine. I’m not kidding when I say that every single one of them – every single one – knew martial arts and gave us impromptu lessons breaking boards in the yard. They’d cook for us, teach us to use chop sticks, and even buy me toys.

Kuo was the best martial artist of the lot (karate) and often fought the racist cowboys of Stillwater that were picking on foreign students by himself. This was Fists of Fury playing out in the Math Lab at OSU – freaking awesome. He used to let us watch him limber up and stretch before his fights. He’d stand in the upstairs kitchen and practice high kicks.

One time, we found a freaking morning star studded with screws that he had welded in the engineering lab tucked into a hall closet. Of course, these were secrets that we kept from anyone that might interfere with his Delta Force mission of beating the crap out of hill billies.

So with this admiration and awe, I naturally started to look at his interests to take as my own. Kuo was a big basketball fan and liked the Celtics. This was back in the Magic-Bird rivalries and I remember him yelling profanity at the TV screen in Japanese during the games … a tradition I still carry to this day. Daiben!

So to see the Celtics win it all again was heartwarming. I can’t say that the old rivalry with the Lakers made it any better or worse, because I was cheering for the Shaq teams a few years ago. Remember, I’m a free agent fan happily running and jumping as I please.

One thing that I did not like was that the song played for the Lakers line-up at the Garden was Jay-Z. Excuse me? East Coast Rap? Did they have any say in this? You’ve got the birth of g-funk and gangsta rap in your own backyard, a movement which defined my generation as much or more than grunge, and you’re playing NYC? It’s like China’s national team playing polka music on accordions at the Olympics. I believe this is criminal and I’m willing to fight any man that says differently.

It was also surprising to see the complete reversal of the cultural perception of these BOSTON Celtics. For white people this is surprising. The other America sees Boston as white, racist, and intolerant and rightfully so historically speaking. I don’t think there was a single white guy in the top 12 players on this year’s team. They are all black with the exception of one alien. So finally here was a team I could cheer along with my friend, Johnnie, SMJ. He has a habit of picking the opposite team just to be contentious.

I’m particularly elated to see Ray Allen get his first ring. Who can’t cheer for Jesus Shuttlesworth? It’s damn right unpatriotic. And to see him destroy Sasha Vujacic off the dribble was simply awesome. It reminded me of my own efforts on the basketball courts … as Sasha, not Ray. And did anyone think to guard him in game 6? You think it might have occurred to the coaches to just mark him like a soccer fullback? Damn, how many open three pointers are you going to give to the best shooter in the league – sorry Michael Redd, you’ve got a sweet shot and quick release, but Ray-Ray is the Uncle Reggie heir.

And how dare Spike Lee cheer for the Lakers because Odom is a New Yorker. What about his connection with Ray? How can I ever trust Spike Lee again. Traitor.

If Isaiah Thomas had been coaching these Lakers, you can be sure that there would have been a hard foul by some no name bench player that would have led to a team brawl. At least it would shown some pride. I’m sure this would have led to Gasol being prison raped by Kendrick Perkins. Pau! Pau!

Good to see KG get redemption for all of the failures in Minnesota, as well.

Kobe vs. MJ (Revisited)

I think this is worth revisiting since my last column on Kobe. I’m one of those people that likes to kick people while they are down, particularly someone as infantile and superficial as Black Mamba. Here are a few quick observations that should put everything into a final perspective.

Celtics overcame a 24-point deficit in Game 3 on the Laker’s home court. Who among you could imagine that happening to the Bulls? (said in my best Thulsa Dhoom/James Earl Jones voice). MJ would punch out Steve Kerr’s heart before they lost that game. Jordan played in six finals and won them all.

Worse yet, the final game had a victory margin of THIRTY NINE POINTS! The worst defeat in the Finals for MJ … 21 points by Seattle in Game 4 of 1996 Finals after the Bulls were already up 3-0 in the series.

After game 5, the Lakers knew as soon as they got into Boston, that they were beat. They tried to make a run in the first 180 seconds which was absorbed and from then on they were gutless, heartless, and cowardly. Not surprisingly, Kobe was 3 for 3 in the first three minutes … and then when his team needed him to take over, went 4 for 19 the rest of the way.

I’ve never witnessed a team capitulate more willingly and submissively on such a grand stage than when Brazil got slapped like step children individually by Zidane in the World Cup 2002 final.

I want to compare Kobe’s performance statistically in this six game series to a few splits from MJ’s finals. First, we’ll look at MJ’s average for the Finals and then his worst performance from each category compared to Bryant.

Kobe 2008 42% FG :: 32% 3P :: 77% FT :: 26.4 ppg :: 3.8 TOs :: 5.0 rpg :: 5.8 apg

Avg. MJ 48% FG :: 37% 3P :: 81% FT :: 33.6 ppg :: 2.8 TOs :: 6.0 rpg :: 6.0 apg

Worst MJ 41% FG (‘96) :: 32% 3P (‘96) :: 69% FT (‘93) :: 27.3 ppg (‘96) :: 4.0 TOs (‘92) :: 4rpg (‘98) :: 2.3 apg (‘98)

So clearly if you take the worst statistical categories from Jordan’s six trips to the finals, you get Kobe with no rape indictments. Congratulations, thank you for playing!

After watching Kobe play for 13 years, I’ve noticed a trend in his game, whether its now or back with Shaq. In big games or against good defenses, he is great for only one quarter … and most of the rest of the time he’s not even good. With Shaq, he would play second fiddle for three quarters and then take over in fourth. Because he’s playing with the Big Aristotle, I never thought anything about it until now. He did the same thing in all six games against the Celtics, except this time he was deferring to Derek Fisher, Lamar Odom, and some greasy-haired Euros for three quarters. Even more amazing was that most of his explosions happened sometime in the first half.

I agree that he may be the best player SMJ, but Jordan dominated for the entire game. Say what you want about his supporting cast, but MJ never played with another player the caliber of Shaquille or even anything resembling a dominant big man. Finally, in close out games, Jordan averaged nearly 34 ppg.

With the Truth, Big Ticket, Ray-Ray, and of course the Black Mamba’s legacies in tact as they should be, I’m glad that we’ll never have to revisit this topic again.