With all of the free time that I find in between shoveling out of my son’s diapers and writing in show recommendations to Dr. Phil since my recent mutually beneficial unemployment, there is something that I’ve been thinking that I believe could change the world view and one of our most wrongly accepted assumptions. Before I just blurt out my hypothesis for you to digest, let me start by building the supporting arguments and considerations.

Let’s assume three people go to an art gallery and stand before a grand painting to appreciate it. The first person is blind, the second is granny with her coke-bottle glasses, and the third is a fighter pilot. Now who’s opinion are you going to respect the most? The blind person cannot see a damn thing and without help, they are likely facing in the wrong direction. Now if they could hear the painting, well then sure, let me give my five cents and you give me your opinion.

Secondly, granny makes great cookies and peanut-brittle, but I don’t even trust her to drive her motorized wheelchair at Walmart without taking out a display stand of Cherry Coke. How many times have you been caught on the tollway behind some blue hair that uses the steering wheel as a pillow? Point being, if they can’t even make out basic road signs and obstacles, such as say pedestrians, then examining the depth and meaning of a painting is all but impossible.

The third viewer is the fighter pilot. Knowing the demands of their profession (the great vision, not the disregard for the sovereign air space of other countries), we can assume that they are able to see down to the brush strokes and the full color. Now Captain Kill may not have any idea on art history or themes, but one thing is for sure that they see the full scope of colors, shapes, and textures. Of the three participants in this ridiculously over-simplified example, the fighter pilot is by far the most qualified.

By the way, I’m in no way biased towards blind people, senile old women, or fighter pilots. I have a jet-flying, blind, granny best friend … thus its impossible for me to prejudiced.

Which brings me to my point. Since the first steaming pile of bum brownies splattered the bottom of the hunter’s cave, Neanderthals to humans have made the rather rash assumption that excrement smells like … well … shit. Each of us during our lives at some point has been inundated with the poop perfume, filling our nostrils and lungs with small particles of someone else’s colon clumps. I know that we’re the dominant race and everything, particularly after our beat down on the spotted owl like (so much volleyball), but do you realize how imperfect the human sense of smell is compared to the rest of the natural world?

Case in point, my little dog (Bingo), must specifically and diligently smell every piece of shit in my yard every time he gets to play outside. It’s like he’s appraising a new wine, swishing about in the glass to smell its aroma in blissful evaluation. Dogs across the world have an affinity for smelling it and most so intently as to disregard the frantic threats of pain and punishment from their soccer mom owners. Here’s a fact – dog smell is nearly x50 times more sensitive than a human beings. I know that’s true because I looked it up on Wikipedia. Thus you can see my logical checkmate from my example above. Clearly, we as human beings are at best the granny with tray of cookies and my dog Bingo is the fighter pilot with 20/20 vision.

What if the food that we eat goes through some sort of mixing and evolution through our intestines that only the most sensitive noses are capable of truly appreciating their genius in new odors and aromas? What if poop smells good. Yes, but our noses are so poorly configured that we don’t know it. Maybe it’d be like trying to watch HDD TV through a monochrome CRT monitor. An imperfect filter for something so beautiful. I am convinced that if we had the sensitivity of smell that our pooches possessed, we’d be wearing shit-flavored Britney Spears perfume. Ok, bad example.

Which makes me think, I read somewhere that the small particles of poo that float off of our toilets and our butts move around the bathroom until they find a landing spot. It was on Mythbusters, too, so there. Of course, inevitably, this includes your toothbrush, which is an ideal candidate since it’s already wet each day. So if even on a microscopic level, you’re brushing your teeth with your own crap. Maybe we DO like it on a sub-conscious level – harkening back to our primal instincts coded into our genetics when we were able to enjoy the shit shake at the malt shop with our doggie friends.

Bon appetit!