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As an American, I’m obsessed with winning. Obsessed with being #1. In addition, I frequently check in on Google to see how my articles are fairing in the SERPs (search engine results page) as well as my analytics package for which keywords are referring the most traffic to me. Not surprisingly, the search term “rafael nadal big ass” (#17) is one of my top referrers.

I’ve decided that I want to be #1 in Google and I’ll do whatever it takes to achieve that goal. Corporations literally pay millions of dollars to marketing agencies to secure the top position for its massive exposure, great ROI, and consumer prestige. And the term that I’ve selected … hang gliding monkey. Let me say it again, hang gliding monkey.

There are a few considerations for getting to the highly coveted number one spot for “hang gliding monkey” in the rankings. Most of these are old bag for SEOers (search engine optimizers). First, I need to make sure that Google can “see” my site. Or that the Google crawlers can access it, crawl it, and index it. And it can, I currently rank #11 for “lucky rob”, #51 on “karameikos”, and #21 on “shockwave 0.951″. Those are good results considering the scope, age, and traffic of luckyrob.com. But its not #1. For hang gliding monkey to be number one, I need to really focus.

So Google can see the site and its quickly adding my new posts to the rankings. There is nothing I’m doing on my site that will prevent my advancement to #1 for hang gliding monkey so far. These are things that Google might consider illegal or cheating, like cloaking or keyword spamming, etc.

The other component is, as I’m sure you’ve guessed, density of my targeted term on my page. I need to make sure that hang gliding monkey is sufficiently referenced in my body copy, internal links, and meta-data (secret info about my page for search engines).

Done and done.

It’d be even more ideal if I had a domain in the same fashion of my targeted term, hang gliding monkey, something like hangglidingmonkey.com. And according to Network Solutions, its available. I’ll just keep that ace in my pocket until its really needed.

For those PETA people out there, I’ve had several conversations with primates trained in sign language and they are eager to become true hang gliding monkeys, so please don’t considerate it animal cruelty akin to the movie Project X. Apparently, just like man, it is the dream of monkeys to fly. Though for different reasons. Whereas man wants to feel the freedom of flight, the release of their earthly worries and anxieties, hang gliding monkeys on the other hand just want to commence an aerial bombing run of well placed poop missiles.

If you’ve ever been to the zoo to observe monkeys, particularly chimpanzees, as I have (Evolutionary Psychology), you’ll see how … um … interested in their bodies, orifices, and bi-products as I did. I kept this firmly in mind when targeting hang gliding monkey as my term.

When I was back in the business, I remember looking for sub-contractors for HTML to avoid bringing them in-house, and we found this Chinese guy in Edmond, OK that guaranteed a #1 listing in Google. By the way, every single page on his website had misspelled words. I didn’t have the heart to tell him. His sample terms were something like, “edmond real estate apartment manager oklahoma” or “manufacturing orange road cones construction”. What a marketing genius. I’d love to see him visibly pale at the challenge of optimizing towards the highly competitive term, “hang gliding monkey”.

To be honest, when I was first selecting this term, I realized that for the longest time I thought hang gliding was actually hand gliding. Thanks to Google’s suggestive search, I got the right spelling and we should be on track. I’ll update this article in a few days with the results of my efforts.

With the prayers, the training, and the vitamins, hang gliding monkey will be mine. All mine.