On a whim, my wife and I rented Dragon Wars last night.  The review on the cover, written by Andy Webster of the NY Times, wrote, “it’s impossible not to be entertained”.

We took that challenge.

It’s a Korean film and boasts the largest budget ever for their studios, $75 million with most of it going into creature effects.  I guess some marketing genius in South Korea thought it would resonate with the American pop culture more if it was also colloquially referred to as D-WAR.

The cast is mostly American with a few recognizable faces – Robert Forster (Alligator, the Black Hole), Chris Mulkey (First Blood, Twin Peaks), Elizabeth Pena (Jacob’s Ladder, Rush Hour) and finally Jason Behr (The Grudge, Roswell).  Also, the token funny black guy is Craig Robinson.

Let me first say that I give this movie a C+.

The first 75 minutes are as unwatchable as any movie I’ve ever seen, with the exception of the evil dragon army mercilessly torching a Korean village in a flashback over about 75 seconds. Maybe it makes me a bad person that I laughed out loud when the old ladies were hacked down by demon soldiers.

The only justifiable reason to rent this movie is the last 20 minutes. I’d give you a plot synopsis, but I’d probably be putting more work into scripting a story than the writer/director did, Shim Hyung-Rae.  Basically, every 500 hundred years the gift of celestialness can be bestowed on a dragon held in the body of a 20 year old virgin.  Ok, not a virgin, I added that to make it more interesting.  These dragons are called imoogi, which is truly unfortunate because of its similarity to an English term.  Hold on, I’ve got an imoogi caught in my throat.

From what I’ve read, half of the budget was spent on the CGI and you can tell.  The imoo- screw it, I can’t call them that – the dragons look very nice.  The final scenes are the dragon army led by the evil dragon tearing apart Los Angeles looking for the golden girl and her divine guardian followed by the good vs. bad dragon duel in Mordor.

The dragons are truly awesome and have a nicely refreshing Eastern take on them vs. the traditional European dragon.  In the LA rampage scene, the dragon takes on tanks, APCs, and apache helicopters.  There are some blatant model shots where it looks like some Hot Wheels are exploding.  That aside there are some iconic scenes that will get your going, such as when the evil dragon wraps around a skyscraper and commences an aerial battle with a series of helicopters in an homage to King Kong.  Very neat.

The dragon army … um … not so much.  The lizard walkers with rocket packs (for lack of a better term) really look like agents from Wario in Mario Brothers – similar to the turtles that you jump on to send their shells flying down the level.  Or maybe something from the Legend of Zelda.  They even have cute little leather helmets.  The soldiers are wearing cheap Krull look alike armor.  Their leader, similarly dressed and armed with a plastic sword, looks surprisingly like a disgruntled Bill Murray.

You know, they must have a warehouse of cast-off 80s fantasy armor somewhere.  Consider it prop heaven.  I’m making it my life’s quest to find that warehouse, cleverly disable the guards, and build the ultimate suit of armor from the relics of He-Man, Conan the Destroyer, Red Sonya, and Beastmaster.

Back to the movie.  The dialogue is horrible.  The acting is corpse-like.  I believe that Jason Behr showed less emotional range than Keanu if that is even possible.  And the basic premise is particularly weak.  It’s as if the rules of common sense were completely ignored.  For example, you’ve got a 200ft serpent dragon tearing apart Los Angeles … but somehow the FBI, National Guard, and cops can’t find it.  Where is it now?  We don’t know.

I actually looked up the review by the aforementioned Andy Webster and when taken in context it makes more sense.  His title was, “Who Needs Plot When You’ve Got Dragons?”  Damn straight.  Also, the full line of the cover review goes like this, “It is such a breathless, delirious stew, it’s impossible not to be entertained, provided — this is crucial — you have a sense of humor.”  So Andy Webster, you’re off the hook.

So take it with a grain of salt.  Don’t see it in the theater, don’t rent it as a new release, wait for it in the Weeklies.  Rent with an old UFC, a pack of beer, and a few low-brow buddies who laugh at fart jokes and enjoy!