In the last few months, there have been a few celebrity deaths that have affected me more than others. The first was Gary Gygax (3/4), then Stan Winston (6/15), and just recently George Carlin (6/22). This entry then is a homage to the great Rufus.

George Carlin has always been one of my favorite comedians. I identified strongly with his anti-establishment sarcasm. His masterpiece, his opus, was the Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television. Those words are (sensitive readers beware): shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits.

When writing this list in 2008 as opposed to the 1972 when Carlin first opined about it on Class Clown, I’m surprised at how dated this list has become. ‘Piss’ and ‘tits’ are network television words now, albeit late night TV. Even shit has entered the common parlance. The other ones still carry the same vim and vigor as they did 36 years ago. To replace the missing three words for the modern era, I suggest the following candidates.

Candidate #1: The n-word. Out of my own personal fear of angering black guys, I will refrain from even writing the word in this blog. Plus, I have a man crush on the young Al Green and it would ruin my chances.

This word is so sensitive that it has developed its own universally accepted nickname putting it on par with the f-word and even a more friendly derivative (+ga vs. +ger). I remember when this word was said without concern, but instead for comedic effect on SNL all the time by Eddie Murphy and even Chris Rock. There is an awesome sketch with Chevy Chase and Richard Pryor for a job interview where they play word association. You can view the sketch here.

In today’s culture, this is a time bomb that has led to more white boy beat downs than slam dancing at a hip hop party. There was a function at my fraternity in college and a few of the over-privileged white yuppies that I found myself yoked with liked to throw this word around as if they were gangstas. Well, one of the point guards from the Cowboys basketball team wandered into our little party drunk, Cheyne Gadson (see picture). In Stillwater, OK, this thug from Jamaica, NY was a fish out of water. It’s like see a shark in the public swimming pool. He didn’t take kindly to the posturing of these country frat kids and nearly killed one of them. Its a sad commentary on Oklahoma that this story has been repeated four or five times with other members of my fraternity.

Candidate #2: Pussy. You’re pretty much in good shape with any euphemism for the male or female genitalia. This one pretty much speaks for itself, but I want to share an anecdote.

My wife and I went on a dinner date with a soccer buddy and his long-time girlfriend. Chris is a superb crosser of the ball. The ball curves outward from the goal and is nicely driven. As my strength is heading (yep, I’m still 5′ 9″), we were as natural as Vince & Jules, Sonny & Cher, etc. We often spend extra time after our scrimmages playing the soccer-equivalent of catch by putting the ball on target in an aerial maelstrom of cranial fury. Plus, he’s easily one of the most enthusiastic and hyped people I’ve ever met. Every time I see him, Chris yells from across the field, “Hey Rob! You ledge!” That’s Aussie for legend, but it took me a few times to realize that.

This was our first couples date, so I was trying to convince my wife to have a good time. She’s completely different around “outsiders”, i.e. non-family of which I dance a daily “in” and “out”. During the dinner conversation, everyone is on their best behavior without even the slightest off kilter remark or colorful language, when Chris’ girl drops ‘pussy’ in the middle of the conversation. Having two sisters and knowing their dislike of these types of words, I immediately grabbed the table cloth and glanced to my wife. I was prepared to throw the table cloth over her head and sit on her like I was subduing a crocodile. According to Steve-o, it causes less stress than a tranquilizer. To my surprise, no one cared or even blinked at its inclusion.

Apparently, the word ‘pussy’ does not have the same sensitivity in Australia. Maybe for Australia, we’ll replace this word with bollocks, spanner, scrag, bludger, wanker, etc.

Candidate #3: Asshole. I debated on this one, because “ass” by itself is widely used. You can even combine ass with candy+ or punk+ which I’ve seen on TV before. But when you put ass and hole together I believe it raises the age demographic considerably and I can’t think of it being used in common parlance on network TV. The other one that I was thinking about was the word ‘bitch’, but with rap music, it’s actually pretty tame.

I’ve seen Oprah use it, so I’m discounting it on those grounds. Yes, I watch Oprah, I’m a stay at home dad – its a requirement.

I wanted to include a list of honorable mentions, but I’m probably just risking adding insult to injury for anyone that reads this column. So I’m going to do it as sensitively as I can:

• Racial epithets: the g-word, c-word, s-word, and pm-words.
• Female body parts: the t-word
• Male body parts: the c-word, the p-word, and the d-word
• Sexual orientation: the f-word, the f-word extended, the l-word, and the d-word

And finally, to my sensitive Roman Catholic ears, the GD-words. So to end my column, I’ll quote George Carlin by saying:

I dread the deaths of certain super-celebrities. Not because I care about them, but because of all the shit I have to endure on television when one of them dies. All those tributes and retrospectives. And the bigger the personality, the worse it is.

Rest in peace.