Earlier this morning, Shia LaBeouf was arrested for drunk driving in Chicago.  He’s the quirky, witty guy from Disturbia, Transformers, and Indiana Jones 4 (pictured).  Around 3am (party time!), he hit another car and flipped his truck.  Thankfully, no one was seriously injured, though Viva LaBeouf hurt his wrist and knee.

Firstly, with a name like Shia LaBeouf he really should be avoiding any untold or miscreant behavior.  I’m sure that growing up he got lots of ridicule about his name. For instance, if my name was Stu Pedas, you can guaran-damn-tee that I’d be a model citizen.

After today’s incident, I’m sure he’s going to read a string of headlines like: Shia LaBlitzed, Shia LaBombed, etc.  It took me only 30 seconds to come up with the name of this article.  How about Shia’ll I’ll pull over, officer?  Could I describe my drunk buddy as Shia-Faced now?

Speaking of his name, I just have to mention this.  Shia is Hebrew for “Gift From God” and LaBeouf is a derivative for “beef”.  So his name is literally “Beef – the gift from God”.  Why hasn’t Burger King or the Sizzler locked this kid up to a multi-year deal?  Shia, its what’s for dinner.

Secondly, what happened?  There is no doubt that he’ll avoid any real punishment.  He’s not yet one of those celebrities that is asking for it – like Paris Hilton or Michael Jackson.  Those people that have gone from popular to annoying.  The kind of people that you hope bad things happen to, such as OJ. When Paris went into the police car sobbing uncontrollable, all I could hope for was a scene from Lock Up, where the inmates bribe the guards to have a secret kumate in the prison laundry.  I have to admit that I like Shia and enjoy his movies.  Maybe he’ll learn his lesson and stay off the sauce.  Maybe not.

Do you know that “the Beef” started out on Disney?  He was in a few shows that I’d never heard of … and then their movie, Holes.  Now he’s speeding down the freeway like its Grand Theft Auto: Chi-town, hitting everything in sight.  At least, he didn’t beat up a prostitute for her money.  Allegedly.  Of course, its probably not fair to judge him personally on his kid friendly image.  If I was offered a chance to be an actor, I’d drop the guns and drugs in a heartbeat to star alongside Hannah Montana or a sing along on Fraggle Rock.  In real life, he may actually be a wanton derelict.

I’m starting to think that like the Madden and SI curses, maybe Disney has a curse.  Look at Britney – Mousekateer and proud virgin.  Now a burned-out, gutter slut living in her double wide while the state family court gives her kids to Kevin Federline.  Kevin Federline!  K-Fed is just like Vanilla Ice if hadn’t made “Ice, Ice Baby”.  Basically, a celebrity punchline, wanna-be rapper.  And what’s worse, is that I actually agree with the court’s decision.  He is actually the BETTER option.  What is this crazy world we live in?

How about Lindsay Lohan?  Perhaps the most famous of the current crop of booze queens.  I can only imagine her at casting calls the day after, smelling like an ash tray with heroine circles under each eye, incessantly scratching at scabs and invisible parasites.  She’s also rather famous for quite a few revealing photos on the Internet.  Here’s a piece of free advice, maybe if Lindsay had kept her dress “Lo” we wouldn’t have seen her “Han”.

What ever happened to stars that didn’t change once they got all the money?  People that knew who there were, what they stood for, and their life goals despite all the photographers and red carpets.  People like Courtney Love, for instance.

Despite all of her fame and wealth, she’s unchanged.  She’s starred in movies, made records with her band Hole, and appeared on celebrity roasts if only to give the guest of honor a respite from the insults.  I guarantee you that if she never met Kurt Cobain, got rich, got pseudo-famous, she’d still be a bow-legged, cranked out, bus stop hooker – just like she is today.  Just try to tell me differently, I dare you.

As a side note, it IS a strange coincidence that Shia’s first movie was Holes just as her band name is Hole, almost like there was a plethora of Courtney Loves.  How exciting would that be?  Also, does this mean that in a strange twist of fate, that Love is going to end her career doing after school Disney specials?  I can just see her first show, “Kids Incarcerated … K!  I!  D!  S!”

Its like she was destined to be a white trash junkie, its her tao if you will.  To fight your destiny will only lead to fear, fear leads to anger, and anger to suffering.  I applaud her for not letting the fame, glory, or dollars change her core being.

So I guess if there is a lesson to be learned from today’s events, it’s this: Shia, try to be more like Courtney Love.