The Scarlet Letter is one of those books on the short list for high school class rooms.  One of those books that is touted as a literary masterpiece, but is read under protest by pimpled-faced teenagers across the world.  A story based on the puritanical virtues of the founding of our country and forbidden carnal desires.  For today the A does not stand for adultery alone.  It stands for A-Rod.

Shame, shame, you Latin lover.

I’ve long thought that being a professional athlete must be like the buffet line of booty with groupies, floozies, and gold diggers laid out between the cottage cheese and potato salad.  Since professional athletes and movie stars are the pinnacle of 20th century civilization it only makes sense that the elite get to enjoy the fruits of their labor.  Even Lindsay Lohan is having a dip.

So here comes Alexander Emmanuel Rodriguez.  I guess women might say he’s attractive, but its hard for me to hear them past the dollar signs ringing in my ears.  Plus he has no personality, in fact, negative personality.  Colorful characters standing near him are less interesting just by his presence.  He’s already got a history of extramarital batting practice with a Las Vegas stripper in Canada.  I guess the strippers in Toronto weren’t up to snuff, so A-Rod had to import one from Nevada.

I’m not hear to wax holier than thou about his corked bat. I’m here to say why in the hell are you stealing home with Madonna.  She’s 77 years old!

I can’t really blame A-Rod.  Anyone whose nickname includes “Rod” is going to be dumb and horny.  Sorry, Andy Roddick (at least you nailed Sharapova instead of Granny Ciccione).  As I mentioned before, its a booty buffet and you’d have to be Andy Dick to say no.  He’s at the sausage stand.

Instead, I blame Madonna.  She’s clearly gone to great extremes to stay relevant while no longer possessing the materials to be a material girl.  I’m not saying that she’s not rich.  Or that she hasn’t had the best career of any solo artist, let alone male or female.  I’m saying that she is a publicity whore (me too!) and the old adage “there is no such thing as bad press” holds true for the geriatric rock star.

Let’s check her track record:

• 1982   Debuted her singing career with “Everybody” and a string of hits

She turned 30 in 1988.  Let’s see what else happens to the aging pop diva …

• 1989   “Like A Prayer” when she seemed to be having sex with a saint
• 1990   “Justify My Love” with bondage, sadomasochism, and same sex kissing
• 1991   Truth of Dare movie is released, enough said
• 1992   Her book Sex with a lot of … um … pictures (very artful that one)
• 1993   Her movie Body of Evidence released straight to Skinemax
• 1994   Now on Dave with profanity and offers to smell her underwear
• 1997   Kabbalah, kabbalah, kabbalah!

Age 40 …

• 1998   Became the spokesperson for X with her Ray of Light video
• 2000   Started making remixes of other popular songs (hello Sheryl Crow!)
• 2003   Makeout session with Aguilera (yuck) and Britney (ew) at MTV
• 2004   The rayon bodysuit era has begun, ladies and gentlemen
• 2006   Joined the celebrity trend of accessorizing with an orphan handbag
• 2007   Invited audience to suck George Bush’s “cheney” in other words

Now she’s at the half century mark with leather coin purses for elbows.  Hmm, what to do now?  How about a Dominican switch hitter with no concept of public relations, marital fidelity, and without a common shred of intelligence to defend himself should he be caught by the New York media with say … an aging, still wants to be center of attention, blue haired senior citizen wearing a Xanadu jumpsuit and leg warmers with enough camel toe to track through the Gobi.

Congratulations to all involved.  Really there are mostly winners.  Madonna – still puts out like its 1984.  The NYC media with plenty of juice tabloid filler.  Cynthia Scurtis Rodriguez with a massive divorce settlement and the house in Miami on its way.

I guess the only loser in this scenario is A-Rod (not you, Andy, we like you).  Which is why you get the scarlet letter.