When I arrived in Australia in March 2005, I didn’t have much interest in national politics.  Why should I be?  I was only mildly interested in US politics and a seasoned cynic and pessimist.  I’ll admit I got really excited to see the Shock & Awe of Iraq II: the Revenge live in technicolor.  But with all of the build-up from talking heads like Geraldo and Shepherd Smith, anything less than trannosauruses with shoulder mounted rocket pods and bionic limbs crashing through the walls of the presidential palace with a Republican Guard in its mouth would have been a let down.

When I got to Australia, politics wasn’t my first choice of viewing pleasure.  In fact, I’d never even heard of Jeff Howard … er … I mean John Howard.  He is … um … was the Prime Minister.  Now, its Chinese fluent Kevin Rudd.  He looks like Dexter from Dexter’s Laboratory.  I’ll prove it:

In fact, I believe that most Aussies don’t really care about politics either.  Case in point 1975.  The Governor-General is the queen’s (England’s) representative in the Australian government.  Theoretically, he was supposed to represent the supreme authority of the executive branch, but in reality the old codger would normally just nod off during the parliamentary heckling sessions and battle gout.

Well, back to 1975, the Whitlam Government (duly elected by the people) could not get its budget passed by the Senate.  It got so crazy, that PM Gough Whitlam just decided to carry on without a budget.  In your face!  So the Governor-General at the time, Sir John Kerr, dissolved the elected government and put in place a government of his choosing – one from the opposition.  No, in YOUR face!

Wow.

Afterwards, there was a resulting public election to validate the Governor-Generals choice.  Its like the people of Australia said, “Oh, you wanted the other bloke?  No dramas, mate.  We’ll vote for him.”  And they did.  In fact, in just two years Gough Whitlam was out of Parliament altogether.  But the name Gough will live on.

After three years of living in the Sunburnt Country, I still don’t give a toss for regional or national politics, other than to listen to the current PM speak in Chinese at certain press conferences and Olympic hype.  Neat!  But there was something that I saw in the news that arose my curiosity.  I kept seeing this Shadow Minister openly talking to the press.  Shadow Minister?  Who is that?  And each time it was a different person.  Something was fishy.

I started to think – what if the Aussies have a spy branch led by the anonymous Shadow Ministers?  These Shadow Ministers formed a Shadow Cabinet – perhaps even led by Shadow Prime?  This master strategist is above the toils of party squabbling, hiding the shadows, watching national enemies, cleaning up messes, and plotting the next move.  The spokespeople were just fronts, hiding the identity of the true puppet master, the power behind the throne.

J. Edgar eat your heart out.  Ian Fleming and Frederick Forsyth – here we come!

My imagination ran rampant.  What if the Shadow Minister had a glass eye and a mechanical hand claw?  I can see him stroking a Siamese cat on his lap in his secret, underground lair at Uluru, plotting the demise of Schapelle Corby and the stingray that got Steve-o.  Was he secretly working on the Eucalyptus Missile?  Or Project Deadly Waters – a coastline protected by bionic great whites and genetically mutated jelly fish?

Was his #2 a Torres Straight Islander named Riptide that was skilled in the arts of hand-to-hand haka and immune to deadly snake venom, his favorite means of assassination?  Behind him could be an army of rugby agents trained in the harsh deserts of NT, armed with grenade launchers and garotte wrist watches.

I had to find out … even if I was putting my life at risk by asking.  So I discreetly inquired to my wife (and certified Australian) who … or what … is the Shadow Minister?!?!  (cue ominous music)

Well, actually it wasn’t nearly anything like that. Damn.

Apparently, Australians don’t vote for candidates, they vote for a party.  It’s up to the party to figure out who goes where, such as Prime Minister, Treasurer, Dingo Wrangler, etc.  There are two main parties (no one counts the Greenies as a real party) and when they are the opposition (aka minority), they still have all of their positions assigned just in case they get elected.  It cuts down on the voting and gives the Aussies a chance to see all of the presumed appointees of the opposition party.  So the minority party’s candidate for Secretary of Transportation is the Shadow Secretary of Transportation.

Oh.  Hmpf.

What these rather mundane people do in reality is just follow around the active government official and poo poo all over their ideas and work.  Basically, something like, “well, that’s not how I would have done it.”  Or, “its hard for Mister Smith to focus on his job with all of the wrongful death charges against him.”  Not quite as exciting as I was thinking.

But hopefully Riptide is still out there – fighting the Kiwi blighters on behalf of national security.

Go, Riptide, go!