Time for another round of Versus.  My last combat article of Namor vs. Raiden generated some disagreement on my conclusion, so let’s see what happens this time.  A ludicrous amount of in depth analysis is the whole point of these columns as we’re crossing multi-verses to pit foes against each other that would never actually have the chance to meet.  Such as Hillary Clinton getting out of the Democratic primary.

I’ve been reading similar match-ups on blogs and the level of debate is: Thor has a big ding dong, he’d pwn Superman.  Hehe.  Oh sorry, that’s not funny.  (EDITORS NOTE: pwn is not a typo.  I’ve already gotten emails on this from my non-technorati readers.  Check it out here).  What we want is intelligent consideration of the factors … and perhaps as a tie breaker ding dong size.  Who is the stronger?  Who is faster?  Who drinks from the sweet trophy of victory and who sips drinks a warm cup of piss?  Let’s find out.

In this edition, we’re taking martial art street legends and putting them against each other.  Masters of unorthodox styles, each possessed with humanly vices rather than the unattainable holiness of the iconic kung-fu monk.  Its East vs. West, Black vs. Asian.  On one side, the sake swilling drunk from Guangdong played by kung-fu clown Jackie Chan.  And on the other, the meanest, the baddest – the Shogun of Harlem.

It’s the Drunken Master vs. Sho’Nuff.  Let the battle for the boroughs begin.

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The Drunken Master: For the martial arts stupid, the Drunken Master premise is that wine fuels his kung-fu to higher levels.  Only through the unorthodox can martial supremacy be attained.  Only through the unexpected can the enemy’s defenses be breached.  Can you imagine that movie being made now?

“Before we fight, I must channel my inner strength and summon my greatest kung-fu.  I must become the drunken master.  And when I thirst for a hearty brew … I reach for a Coors Light.  Nothing powers my Praying Mantis style better than the cold, winter freshness of the Colorado Rockies.”

First, let’s address some facts.  The Drunken Master as portrayed by Jackie Chan in his two films (1978 and 1994) is none other than the historical Wong Fei Hung.  So you might be asking “who the hell is Hang Way Fung”?  Repeat after me, it’s Wong Fei Hung.  He’s the most important person in Chinese history in regards to martial arts movies.  He’s on par with the Monkey King from Chinese folklore if not even more important to kung-fu film makers.

In reality, he was a healer in Chinese medicine, a famous martial artist, and revolutionary at the turn of the twentieth century.  Wait a second.  A revolutionary?  How un-Chinese.  How un-Confucian.  Was he the first Tank Man?  (look it up)  Well, no.  He was indeed rebelling, but against the imperialist West and their greedy merchants.  Ah, much better.  No wonder he resounds so clearly 100 years later with China.  Legends of his martial arts feats abound, including defeating thirty men in Canton with just a staff.  He was China’s pride during the most humiliating time in the history of the Middle Kingdom.  The time of the white man.

I should take this time to apologize to the 1.3 billion Chinese on behalf of my round eye brothers.  Sorry for taking your hot women and emperor, giving you opium and Communism in return.  Just remember RuckyWob.com was the first to extend the sincere hand of unity.  Also, it’s best you ignore the Chinglish column as well.

Just to give an indication how important Wong is to Hong Kong martial arts cinema: Wong Fei Hung has been portrayed in over 100 movies.  At least.  It is estimated that he is the most prolific movie character in cinematic history. Ever.  Yep, even more than Jason Vorhees, James Bond, and Anakin/Vader.  Combined.  You might remember Wong Fei Hung from the Jet Li movies Once Upon A Time In China.

So Jackie Chan’s portrayal of the legendary doctor and kung-fu master is not new, but his interpretation certainly deserves note.  A young, impetuous Wong is sent to learn Zui Quan, a secretive form of Wushu kung-fu, from the master Su Hua Chi, a Taoist beggar.  As a side note, both Zui Quan or “The Eight Drunken Immortals” and the teacher or “Beggar So” are also based on actual historical elements.

In a strange twist on the rebellious teen movie that only the Chinese could have thought up, Wong Fei Hung disobeys his father by actually refusing to drink his life away in one continuous party with his booze buddy while learning how to beat people up with awesome ninja skills.  I guess his father frowned on him becoming an accountant and settling down with a nice girl from Jiangxi province.  Damn kids these days.

Instead, he has to get thrashed a few times by his chief enemy and antagonist, Thunderleg.  Am I the only person that thinks that sounds phallic?  Hold on, baby, let me get my thunder leg.  Boom.  My guess is that this guy’s primary weapon is not his left hook.  What isn’t mentioned in the movies is this guy personally fathered most of Hubei.  A Chinese version of Sean Kemp, I guess.

So here are the eight immortals and their secret kung-fu lessons.

1. The God Lu: the drunkard with inner strength
2. The God Li: the drunken cripple with the powerful right leg
3. The God Jun: the drunkard holding a pot in his arms
4. The God Lan: the drunkard with the sudden deadly waist attack
5. The God Chan: the drunkard with the swift-double kicks
6. The God Tso: the drunkard with the powerful throat lock
7. The God Han: the drunken flute player with the powerful wrists
8. The God Miss Ho: the drunken woman flaunting her body.

I guess that the sum of these mean something in terms of ass kicking potential, but … to me … guilo that I am … Powerful wrists?  He must be a master debater.  The sudden deadly waist attack?  Watch out, ladies, his waist my suddenly attack you with his thunder leg.  You can watch Jackie going through all of the forms here as his teacher calls them out, like the old black guys at the party calling out the dances.  That was a Def Jam Comedy reference for my Caucasian readers.

Also, depending on which edition of Drunken Master you’re watching, Jackie Chan is essentially invulnerable to physical damage when he’s quaffing the RumpleMintz.  One quick note: any frat boys that are reading this, you may believe beer makes you tougher, but let me assure you its doesn’t.  I’ve personally seen too many over-indulged white kids high on liquid courage that have been cleaned out as a part of this urban myth about inebriation.  Drinking does not make you a better fighter – but it does make one hell of a show for us spectators as you get body slammed onto a curb only to be left in your own piss and vomit.

Combined with the secret lessons from the Eight Drunken Immortals and his Excellent (20) body armor, he’s ready to rock and roll the straight-laced, momma’s boy Shaolin losers.  Keep the party going.

Sho’Nuff: The Shogun of Harlem had a brief but highly impactful cinematic career.  He is neither based on a historical personality nor has he exceeded one movie appearance in The Last Dragon (1985), in which he was the primary villain.  But in those 109 minutes of cinematic gold, he has solidified himself into pop culture.  Ok, maybe just black culture … of which I have signed up for the weekly email subscription.

Sno’Nuff was played admirably by Julius J. Carrey III.  Good ole Jules hasn’t had much of a movie career, but he’s been in every TV series this side of TJ Hooker.  Another interesting subplot to this match-up is that Sho’Nuff is clearly a disciple of Japanese martial arts.  Though he often refers to his kung-fu, he’s wearing shades with the Rising Sun and refers to himself as the Shogun both of which belong exclusively to Japan.  So as an added bonus, its Chinese vs. Japanese just like Chinese Connection.

Before we get into the credentials of Sho’Nuff I want to make a few mentions to his pop culture legacy.  First, two songs on The Last Dragon soundtrack still have considerable appeal (The Glow and The Last Dragon), which is funny because the eponymously titled track by David Dwight was nominated as the worst song in 1985.  I’ve been listening to it as I’ve written this section and it reeks of 80s synthesizer awesomeness.  And the Glow is equally as magical (performed by Willie Hutch).

As if that wasn’t enough … Busta Rhymes styled his video Dangerous after the movie, taking the role of Sho’Nuff.  Check it out here (first Sho’Nuff appearance at 2:21).  I for one can’t think of a better candidate as a remake for the Shogun of Harlem other than Busta.  And the song is tight too.  Sho’Nuff also shows up as a rapper in Da BackWudz, a Fatboy Slim song, and the label of Jazze Pha.

OK, so Sho’Nuff has been a considerable hit in the rap, pop, urban, and Lucky Rob community.  By why?  The movie The Last Dragon came out during the sino-explosion in black America.  I partially credit this to the Golan-Globus ninja movies.  Brothers were walking down the street in tabi boots and karate gi’s.  This movie strangely enough tapped into a cultural wave in the inner cities.

What are the results of this?  Can I say the Wu-Tang Clan?  Can I say Rush Hour I, II, and III?  In fact, there is a scene in Rush Hour II were Don Cheadle makes a cameo as the kung-fu, Chinese speaking black dude.  Now this scene is funny to us whities, but its more funny to black people … because every family has one of those guys that fits this role perfectly.

Sho’Nuff is 6′ 5″ with mean martial arts skills.  While unorthodox, the effects speak for themselves.  In one scene in a movie theater, he actually bites an opponent’s Achilles tendon while breaking his leg in an ankle lock.  Why don’t you see more of that in the UFC?  He’s the warrior supreme of Harlem until the ambiguously gay Bruce Leroy gets Soul Glow and dethrones him.  I’m convinced that in his younger days, Sho’Nuff would have punked him.  After all, he did get Leroy to “Kiss my Converse” earlier in the movie.

Upon his entrance his street toughs styled as samurai warriors (and his very own stable of white chicks!) help carry out his intro, which goes as follows:

Sho’Nuff: Am I the meanest?
Gang: Sho’Nuff!
Sho’Nuff: Am I the prettiest?
Gang: Sho’Nuff!
Sho’Nuff: Am I the baddest mo-fo, low-down, around this town?
Gang: Sho’Nuff!
Sho’Nuff: Well, who am I?
Gang: Sho’Nuff!
Sho’Nuff: Who am I?
Gang: Sho’Nuff!
Sho’Nuff: I can’t hear you!
Gang: Sho’Nuff!
Sho’Nuff: The Shogun of Harlem!

As the final piece of his credentials, the Shogun has the glow.  In true Sith Lord style, his glow is red compared to Leroy’s golden glow.  What does the glow do?  Well, it gives you utter and complete dominance over your opponent as you proceed to whip their candy ass with Jedi lightning punches and kicks.  Only when does Leroy get the full body glow is he able to beat the great Shogun in single combat.

I have to mention that Bruce Leroy also uses ninja tactics by ambushing Sho’Nuff with an ambush sidekick.  This bastard is even dressed in a ninja outfit as he raids the club where Eddie Arkadian is holding his kidnapped girlfriend, Vanity.  Gee, you’ve made Jun-Fan so proud, you coward.  In fact, it was only after this sucker punch that Sho’Nuff decided to unleash his super powered red glow.  Who’s the Master?

Results: I’m going to assume that the Drunken Master is in fact drunk.  It’s his shtick.  We’ll say Wong Fei Hung was watching the Vietnamese break dancers at the club, minding his own business, when he runs afoul of the Shogun by bumping him in his drunken stupor.  Too many Whiskey Sours. Here comes the speech with his crew boldly echoing the refrain, “SHO’NUFF!”  And the duel is on.

In their face off, its the usual opening script.  A surprised Jackie Chan dodges, dupes, and weaves in his intoxicated rhythm, perhaps using a bar stool as a convenient parrying device, much to the amused delight of our home viewing audience.  Only when Sho’Nuff decides he has had enough does it escalate and he smashes the chair with a size 27 Converse round house.  The Drunken Master takes a beaten, but is able to roll with most of the blows, only occasionally catching a punch flush on the face or a kick to the stomach.

Seeing the ease in beating this 5′ 4″ Chinese drunk, Sho’Nuff starts pimping to the crowd.  “Who is this jive-ass turkey?  He thinks he can take the Master?”  While he’s posturing, sneaky Wong Fei Hung is guzzling Rum 151 behind the bar.  You know the stuff with the flame proof cap.  Yep, the same stuff that Bo Boatright bought, thinking it’d be fun to get drunk on it only to have all of us frat boys blowing chunks by 8:30pm.  Well, Jackie’s as pissed as an Irish wake and now his kung-fu is at maximum power.

Here’s where I have to pause the battle for a second to discuss some martial arts theology.  Bruce Lee developed Jeet Kune Do in 1965 and began teaching it extensively in the Chinese and martial arts community to great controversy.  Why?  Because it preached no forms, no styles.  It focused on flowing in combat, reacting intuitively to the micro-decisions of the opponent.  Be like water.

Where the hell are you going with this, Lucky?  Be like beer?

Jackie Chan got his movie start as a stuntman on Fist of Fury (1972) and later on Enter the Dragon (1973) at the humble age of 17.  By this time, Bruce’s style and philosophy on fighting was well known.  Whether by intent or not, The Drunken Master embraces these principles.  The biggest reason that the drunken fist style is so dominant is that the user is actually TOO drunk to have a style.  They are forced to abandon the set conventions of a form or style of which their weaknesses and counters are well known to the rest of the kung-fu world.  Their weaving and staggering are uncontrolled, leaving the master only his intuition and reflexes to respond to the attacks of his opponent.

I believe that this movie was in a sense a partial tribute to the late Bruce Lee as well as advancing the Chinese view on kung-fu with the revolutionary ideas presented by her favorite son.  With all of that in mind, how does the formless style and incredible pain tolerance fare against the red glow of the Harlem master?

Wong Fei Hung, rebounds with a bottle of Rum and Everclear in each hand, so drunk that he’s able to kick through concrete and ignore the full swing of a Louisville slugger.  On the other side of the dance floor past the Vietnamese break dancers and Puerto Rican drag queens is Sho’Nuff, hands aglow with chi power.  Eager to prove his dominance, Sho’Nuff rushes over to resume the battle.  This time his opponent zigs where he expected a zag and zags when he should have zigged.  The Shogun’s fierce blows are destroying the entire bar, but he is unable to catch the small Chinese fighter stumbling around who is simultaneously threatening to hurl.

For good measure, Wong is able to sneak in a vicious double kick or a deadly waist attack with his thunder leg … to the squeals of delight from the drag queens.  Yet Sho’Nuff is up to the challenge and is absorbing the blows.  He redoubles his efforts, but again the Drunken Master is too elusive.  In his growing rage, Sho’Nuff tears apart the central column, sending the disco bal to the floor in a thousand pieces.  The crowd breaks in a panic as the night club starts to crumble around them.

Trying to avoid the falling rubble, Wong Fei Hung loses sight of his opponent and is finally caught in the grasp.  As Sho’Nuff pulls back his glowing hand for the final strike, the club collapses completely.  The dust cloud fills the street, obscuring the view for blocks.  As the sirens yell of approaching police cars, a drunk Chinese master stumbles out onto the street with a broken bottle of Everclear, vainly trying to catch the last drops from falling.

And when the rubble is cleared and the victims are identified, strangely the Shogun of Harlem is never found.

What’s your take?