Smashing through buildings, stepping on cars filled with tourists, and blasting aircraft with their super weaponry, giant robots are as intrinsic to my childhood as pop tarts.  I remember when I was between the ages of 5 and 12, I had a deeply held conviction that all of the world’s problems could be solved by a massive juggernaut with machine strength and a semi-nuclear arsenal of blasters and missiles.  If might makes right, then giant robots don’t get any righter.  Of course this manga generated trust in robots was utterly destroyed when I watched Terminator.

I have to stress that I’ve got a few rules in my criteria for giant robots.  First, they must be “giant”.  There is some leeway here (as you’ll see) based on coolness, but they must be considerably larger than any human being.  We’ll say at least 10′ tall.  At least.  Second, they must be a “robot”.  Actually, these are pretty simple rules really.  The robot must be autonomous of a human pilot or controller.  Piloted giant robots are called mecha, which is another column already in development.  I’m also adding a third rule that the robot must be bipedal in some form.  That disqualifies HAL 9000, SkyNet, Knight Rider, Matrix Sentinels, etc.

Here’s my top 5 with honorable mention.  Enjoy!

Honorable Mention: Futurama‘s Destructor (Raging Bender episode), Giant Robo, Mazinger Z (aka Tranzor Z) [EDITOR: this is in fact a mecha - thanks Ryan], the Iron Giant, Gigantor (the first giant robot), Red Ronin (Marvel’s opponent for Godzilla), the T-1000000 from T2 3D: Battle Across Time, and Megas from Megas XLR.

And now the countdown …

#1 ED-209

In the realm of giant robots, the Enforcement Droid Series 209 from Robocop (1987) is really more of a lapdog.  He probably measures about fourteen feet high if his legs were fully extended and another ten feet wide.  I’m sure he weighs as much as an F-150 if not more.  Not sure how giant that makes him, but he’s cool enough that he scrapes in at #5 just ahead of Destructor from Futurama.

ED was designed by OCP Senior President Dick Jones as a replacement for the striking police department to control the rampant crime wave in the developing Delta City.  ED never worked quite as planned.  While this giant robot certainly looks cool as hell and is armed to the teeth, ED-209 suffers from poor programming.  I’d like to think it’d be the giant robot that my former company would make.

I actually feel a sense of parental sympathy for the poor thing as it fails to navigate stairs, tentatively testing with its tripodal foot pad until it crashes down the entire flight.  In reality though, how many stairs is it going to need to master with it patrolling the streets of Old Detroit?  It’s not like its designed to kill white collar criminals in skyscrapers … but it does a hell of job of it.

In addition, poor ED had a mishap (warning – gory) with an OCP senior executive during its unveiling.  Dick Jones had one of his colleagues pick up a gun to demonstrate ED’s threat resolution programming.  The guy put down the gun as requested, but it didn’t matter.  Booyacka Booyacka!  Dead, rich, white guy.  If I counted correctly, I have it at 180 rounds at point blank range from a high calibre machine gun.  The end result is what was left of him looked like old party dip.  Don’t worry, all of those OCP execs were coke heads anyway.

I’m not kidding when I tell you the executive’s name was Kinney.  How is that for pop culture foreshadowing?  “Oh my god, you just killed Kinney!”  Again, this is the developers’ fault … why did they put live ammo in the guns?  If were to truly emulate a big city cop, ED-209 would have gunned down an immigrant instead.  Even better, after one his senior employees is torn apart by gun fire in front of his eyes, the Chairman of OCP puts his head in his hands because of the failed project and wasted R&D budget.  What a humanitarian!

ED-209 makes the list for three big reasons.  First, he (it) roars like a lion when he engages.  Awesome.  As an interesting ED Easter egg, apparently his developers thought it would be funny to add pig squeals which are heard when our giant robot falls down the stairs and is wiggling to get back up.

Second, he’s got crazy weapon systems.  It possesses three machine guns over its two arms, multiple rockets, and mortar rounds or grenades behind its head.  Of course, one of the reasons that ED has so much firepower for a police robot is that he is intended to go straight into military service after proving himself in Old Detroit.  The armor though is a little suspect.  Good offense beats good defense, I guess.

“Punch him in the face, Ed!”

Third, in their only straight up fight in Robocop, ED owned Robocop in the OCP tower, severely damaging his frontal body armor as well as barely breaking the black plexi-glass eye cover.  Oooh, he broke the eye cover.  Murphy/Robocop got beat in both weapons combat and hand to hand.  Only when Robocop showed up in an ambush armed with a stolen Cobra assault cannon is he able to disable ED-209.  Cheater!

“Please put down your weapon.  You have 20 seconds to comply.”

#4 Nightbird

What happens when you cross Transformers with ninjas?  Awesomeness of levels previously undiscovered.  And that’s why Nightbird makes the list at number four. Nightbird made her debut in the Transformers episode #25, appropriately titled Enter the Nightbird in homage to all intro films for great martial artists.

She’s the only female giant robot I’ve ever heard of and certainly the only that would make the top five list if there were more.  I’m guessing that she’s about fifty feet tall.  In her own way, she’s pretty damn sexy!  See how she accessorizes with the purple belt and gold stars?  I’m pretty sure that Megatron and Nightbird got it on at the Decepticon lair.  There is video (secretly filmed by that rascal Buzzsaw) that was leaked onto Youtube.

Nightbird is not truly a Transformer and thus cannot transform.  She was actually created by a Japanese scientist, Dr. Fujiyama.  One thing that strikes me funny about this idiot doctor.  He created a ninja giant robot armed with multiple hidden weapons, but states at his ill-fated press conference, “I assure you, gentlemen, she is not meant for battle or assassinations.”

Hehe, what a tool.

But don’t let that fool you.  Her list of abilities pretty much encompasses the entire Ultimate Powers index.  Here they are:

Martial Arts Mastery: Far superior to any thing the Autobots can manage in hand to hand combat.  In one episode, she defeats Starscream, Mirage, Bluestreak, Optimus Prime x2, Brawn, and Jazz, .  This also includes superior leaping and acrobatics, the ability to dodge lasers, and even catching missiles in mid-flight and throwing them back into the the gun barrel of her opponent.

Stealth: How a 50ft robot is able to sneak around is beyond me, but she does it.  As part of her stealth package, she’s got a concealed grappling hook with tow line.  Not that she needs it, apparently she can wall crawl as good as Spidey, as well, with sucker plates on her hands and feet.  Nightbird is also able to move in complete silence.  In addition, the sensors that Wheeljack put down to detect metal were little deterrent for her.  Our ninja-bot detected them immediately and just climbed past them.

Retractable Hands: She’s able to pull her hands back into her forearms and replace them with whirling buzzsaws materializing from thin air.  Even cooler, she’s able to shoot these like massive throwing stars.  I think she’s got at least four of them stored somewhere.

Ninja Disappearance: As she’s about to abducted by the Autobots for stealing the World Energy Source Chip (wow, that sounds important), Nightbird twirls in a radiant whirlwind, blinding all of her pursuers.  When their vision returns, she’s gone … with no apparent means of escape.  She also jumps off a cliff and disappears later in the episode.

“Roboto-Possum“: These are Prime’s words when she pretends to be stunned by his laser cannon only to jump up and kick the crap out of yet again another Autobot.  This was not a good episode for their team.  I guess its the same as feigning death for your human ninja.

Hidden Weapons: In a side compartment on her torso, Nightbird can carry at least thirty small throwing stars, which she can throw in multiples with each hand.  Pulled from her backpack is … a light sabre … with sound effects and everything.  She’s able to disarm Prime with a well placed strike.  On both forearms she’s got two golden sai, as well, though she never used them.  On her legs, she’s got what I’d describe as nullifier magnets that she uses to cancel out Jazz’s sonic attack.

Tractor Beam: I know, I know … could she possibly be any more awesome?!  She glows purple and is able to wrestle away her laser ninja-tu from Prime in a tug-of-war with this energy beam.  That must be one strong tractor beam because Optimus Prime had both hands on it.

Even with they finally capture her, deprogram her, neutralize her, and lock her up, she still possesses the fiendish intelligence in her yellow eyes.  She’s one bad mamma-san.

You can watch the entire episode: part 1 | part 2 | part 3

#3 Devastator

There’s no problem in sticking with a series for back to back selections.  I could have filled up this entire list with Transformers, such as Optimus Prime, Galvatron, Metroplex, JetFire, etc.  But I wanted to choose just one transforming robot.  A lot of times, writers don’t take care to preserve the specialness of their powerful villains and foils.  They are easily forgotten as a plot device and their “toughness” is watered down.  Such as the Hulk.  Do you know that Namor has beaten him FOUR times?  I believe he’s undefeated against Jade Jaws.  I can assure you that those battles ONLY take place in Sub-mariner titles.  It makes me sick.

Thankfully, Devastator was preserved as the strongest robot of all. Devastator was the unquestioned bad ass of Transformers season 1 and even Transformers: the Movie (1986).  He is summoned by Megatron whenever the Decepticons need to take the field of battle in force.  Devastator is an elite, shock trooper able to withstand the frontal assault of enemies fire.  He possesses unmatched strength, toughness, and dominance among all of the warriors from Cybertron.

Devastator is a combiner Decepticon, formed from the merging of six Constructicons, each a mighty warrior on their own.  “Constructicons, merge to form Devastator!”  Individually, they possess a range of intelligence as well as special skills and talents.  They are:

• Scrapper: The leader of the Constructicons and right leg of Devastator for the extra ass kicking power.  He transforms into a front-load shovel.  His Decepticon speciality is construction engineering and is primarily responsible for all of those monolithic, “secret” bases that Megatron is using.
• Bonecrusher: He’s in charge of demolitions and forms the left arm of Devastator.  He’s a great brawler and enjoys walks on the beach.  He transforms into a bulldozer.  Bonecrusher was the only Constructicon to make an appearance in the 2007 Transformers movie.
• Scavenger: In charge of mining and salvage, his shovel is able to detect magnetic, ionic, electrical, and gas readings from the earth which he can dig up.  As a Construction, he’s the most puny.  He is an excavator in transformed mode and is the right arm of Devastator, meaning our giant robot is likely a south paw.
• Mixmaster: Obviously this guy is the cement mixer that serves as the left leg of Devastator.  Mixmaster is also in charge of material fabrication.  In his mixer, he’s able to produce chemicals and compounds for the use in the Decepticon’s nefarious schemes.
• Hook: The second in command.  He transforms into a crane and forms the head and shoulders of the mighty combiner.  Hook is the most precise and refined of the Constructicons, placing him in a well earned second place.
• Long Haul: He’s in charge of transportation and forms the core torso of Devastator.  He transforms into a dump truck, probably the largest of all of the vehicles and gives Devastator a lot of his strength and mass.

Devastator is one of the more unique combiner Transformers as he is composed of six individual robots, where most are composed of five.  Perhaps this is what gives him the strength advantage in combat.  This combination makes him easily three times larger than other Transformers.  Also, collectively they seem to regress into a warrior brute that is intent on combat and total destruction.  It’s irony then that the Constructicons would merge together to form the essence of annihilation, destruction.

There was a Decepticon named Devastator in the movie, but it wasn’t our buddy.  Instead, it was a tank that stole the name.  I guess they didn’t want to us the triple changer Blitzwing (MiG-25/Type 74 Main Battle Tank).  I am happy to report that Devastator is making a full appearance in Transformers 2.  I’ve seen pictures on the Internet of the CGI character, but I don’t think its the actual guy.  The detail is not near as good as the first movie, so its probably some graphic designer having a toss.  Check it out.

He’s armed with a massive thermal cannon.  Which by all indications of its relative size is bigger than Bumblee.  Of course relative size doesn’t mean jack shit in Transformers.  Megatron is large in his humanoid form, but can turn into a hand gun that can be easily fired by Soundwave or even more amazingly a human being.  Where the hell did the rest of Megatron go?

Devastator’s greatest glory came in Transfomers the Movie.  When summoned by Megatron, the six Constructicons merge and single-handedly tear apart the Autobot base on Cybertron.  During which Devastator absorbs several direct laser cannon blasts and artillery shells.  Did I mention that he rips apart the armored wall with his bare hands?  He then proceeds to brawl with ALL of the Dinobots at once.  This is truly impressive, because the Dinobots, particularly Grimlock, are each exceptionally strong and big.  One reason that the Dinobots always fight Devastator is that they are too stupid to fear pain.  They broke even in this particular match up on Cybertron, but Devastator has beaten the lot of them in the past.

Of course, Big Dev does have his weaknesses.  He’s very slow and easily knocked over.  And once knocked over, he has a bad tendency of breaking up into his individual Constructicons.  At which point, they normally flee or break into a chaotic frey without reforming.  Also, there is one episode in season 2 where Bruticus pretty much bitch slaps him in a civil war of Decepticons, Megatron vs. Starscream.  But we can’t win them all.  He got his vengeance in a later episode.

“PREPARE FOR EXTERMINATION!”

#2 The Sentinels

I’m including the Sentinels as a group, because there are so many of them and their collective awesomeness pushes them to the number two position.  They are giant robots first created by Dr. Bolivar Trask.  Sentinels are programmed with the exclusive mission of hunting mutants.  Mutants such as Wolverine, Collossus, and Rosie O’Donnell.  More famously, the Sentinel program was used by Henry Gyrich for Project: Wideawake.  They are long-time enemies of the X-Men, New Mutants, X-Factor, and all teams organized as mutants.

There are different models and they generally are getting progressively better.  Here’s a quick rundown:

• Mark I: originally created by Dr. Bolivar Trask to protect humanity and first appeared in X-Men #14 (1965).  They short circuited as most giant robots do and decided to enslave humanity instead.  Big difference.  These giant robots set the baseline for the rest of the series and were subsequently improved upon with each generation.  They were 10′ tall, protected by a steel exoskeleton, fly with foot boosters, could detect mutants, and have weapon systems that allow them to fire stun rays, energy beams, and disintegration rays from their chest plates.
• Mark II: These bad boys were created by Larry Trask, Bolivar’s kid, in X-Men #57.  Ironically enough, Larry was also a mutant.  They are also known as the Neo-Sentinels, though any relation to Neo is unproven.  The Mark II line was stronger, bigger (20ft tall), tougher, can self-repair, and are even equipped with knockout gas in palm firing jets.  Their greatest feature was their adaptability.  Its able to create new powers that it did not possess before to counter its opponent including steel tendrils, vibration attacks, fire attacks, etc.  The Mark II is one of the most powerful of the series, certainly the most strong.  It takes several iterations before this level is achieved again.
• Mark III: Stephen Lang put these together using Larry Trask’s incomplete notes in X-Men #98.  Apparently, Lang has not fully mastered the Japanese art of reverse engineering and patent violation.  While these blokes are Sentinels, they are actually a step back from the Mark II series.  The Mark III’s are physically weaker, less advanced in combat programming, more susceptible to damage, and fly slower.
• X-Sentinels: These robots started to get tricky by mimicking the appearance of the mutants they hunted.  As such they are not considered giant and we won’t review them.
• Mark IV: This generation was started by Project: Wideawake after the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants tried to assassinate Senator Kelly (X-Men #151).  The first sentinels produced by the US government, the Mark IV was a huge improvement on the Mark III.  They started to regain their strength, armor plating, faster flying speed, and added grappling cables from the wrists with even the inclusion of search lights.  They lost the self-repair mechanism unfortunately.  They are able to learn from their opponent and adjust their fighting style making them more efficient after a few exchanges.  Of course, in another twist of irony, Shaw Industries, the government weapons contractor that was tasked to build these robots was led by … guess what … a mutant!  They’re everywhere!  Shaw Industries would produce the next several generations.
• Mark V: We’re nearly back on par with the Mark II models in every regard, though still a little weaker in strength and armor.  They retain most of the features of the Mark IV, though, and add a cold beam to trap their targets in foot of ice.  Their energy beams can be fired from their hands or their eyes.  In most other regards, they are similar to the Mark IV.  First appearance was New Mutants #2.
• Mark VI: There isn’t much difference between the Mark V and VI.  This model was designed to fight more powerful mutants and possesses heavier weapon systems and more durability.  Here’s what it boils down to: the Mark VI has persistent memory fed from a centralized computer for its combat learning algorithm and it can turn invisible to normal vision and radar.  Well, I guess that’s nice, but they are still too big to sneak into the girl’s bathroom.
• Mark VII & Mark VIII: The VII’s are experimental and are remote controlled rather than relying on a combat computer.  The Mark VII was the last to be developed by Shaw Industries.  The Mark VIII line is controlled by a human pilot.  They serve as the Sentinel Squad for the Office of National Emergency or O*N*E and are designed by Stark Enterprises (aka Ironman).  Again neither of these two are robots.

Those are your basic Sentinels.  Now it gets interesting.  First, let’s examine an alternate timeline called the Days of Future Past, starting in X-Men #142.  I think Wikipedia says it best with “It deals with a dystopian alternate future in which mutants are incarcerated in concentration camps” after a massive war between all of the super heroes and a new breed of super sentinels called the Omega-Series.

These guys are just as powerful as the Mark II’s created by Larry Trask and have come to dominate the world while nearly exterminating all resistors, including Captain America.  They have achieved sentience and can think on their own.  In addition, they are made of powerful steel that is able to absorb most human made weapons.  They are aptly named Omega, the final letter in the Greek alphabet and the symbol of the end, of death.  Only brave mutant rebels like Bishop are able to keep the fight alive, but who knows for how long.

The Omega Sentinels are led by a one of kind sentinel master, Nimrod.  He’s the second most powerful Sentinel ever created … but not a giant robot.  So we’ll leave him be for now.  But now we get to talk about the most powerful Sentinel of them all …

The Tri-Sentinel!  Woo Hoo!  In Acts of Vengeance, a theme that ran across several different Marvel titles, Loki left Earth after being defeated, but as a final “screw you” to us mortals, he took three normal Sentinels (probably Mark V’s is my guess) and magically combined them into a super juggernaut, the TRI-SENTINEL.  This giant robot was fifty feet tall (now we’re talking!) and had magically enhanced abilities (ready for FASERIP?):

F: ShX (150)  A: MN (75)  S: ShY (200)  E: ShZ (500)

R: Ex (20)  I: Ex (20)  P: Ex (20)  Hlth: 925

Shift Z endurance?  Can you say Charge every single round?  He had a force field, body armor, six arms that could all attack at once, weapon systems that would destroy a skyscraper, all around vision, and catch web cables as strong as the Thing.  He was lovely, he was great, he had to be formed at the same time as Cosmic Spiderman.  Poop.  Yep, his domination of planet earth was short lived because Captain Universe possessed Spiderman and gave him god-like powers to defeat the greatest Sentinel of them all.  He will be missed.

And now for the daddy of them all …

#1 Mechagodzilla

You didn’t think we’d make it completely through the list without some tribute to Japanese monster movies, did you?  Men in fake suits, rampaging through a cheap model with toy cars and trains, and terrorified Japanese yelling in the worst dubbing ever.  Plot lines even more shallow than 70s porn.  Does it get better than this?  If China gave us kung-fu theater, then Japan gave us the Giant Monster movie.

Mechagodzilla was first introduced in Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla (1974).  I just have to mention this … the guy in the robot suit was named Ise More for the first movies.  I wonder how he’s known in Japan or if, like us, they have no clue who wore the suit.  Since then, Mechagodzilla has been the primary antagonist in FOUR more movies, five total.  That’s a rivarly like Jake LaMotta vs. Sugar Ray Robinson.

In Japanese, its Mekagojira.  Here’s the complete list of his movies: Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla, Terror of Mechagodzilla (1975), Godzilla vs. Super-Mechagodzilla (1993), Godzilla Against Mechagodzilla (2002), and finally Godzilla, Mothra, Mechagodzilla: Tokyo S.O.S. (2003).  These remind me of the polka titles from Home Alone from John Candy: Kiss Me Polka, Polka Polka Polka, Twin Lakes Polka, Polka Twist …

Mechagodzilla was built by apelike aliens, called Simians, to destroy Tokyo.  I’m probably not reaching here when I say that we, the hairy white people, are the ape aliens.  Well, good on us, because MG kicked lizard ass for most of the movie.  He started out as a true doppleganger, covered in fake scales and skin.  In that mode, he punked Godzilla’s pal Anguirus and freaked out Tokyo as they thought he was the real deal.  When Godzilla finally showed up and used his breath weapon to burn off all of the exterior disguise (like a terminator), the full might of this robot was revealed.

He is constructed out of an indestructible material called Space Titanium.  Which I can only assume is … titanium … from … space.  That must mean it is very, very powerful.  Just like Cosmic Rays, anything from space is wicked tough.  He has more firepower than North Korea, including a rainbow colored optical beam that can match the atomic breath of Gojira in full measure.  He’s also got missiles for toes and fingers that he can shoot off, so that’s nice.  I’m resisting the Mistletoe joke here.  Gimme a kiss.

By spinning his head exorcist style, MG can generate a force-field around his body.  Though I’m not sure it’s worth it for loss of cool points it takes to get it going.  I guess the big weapon is stored in his chest – an orange laser that can cut off the top of a mountain.  This is in addition to stellar hand to hand abilities the likes of which only Godzilla can stand up to.

His first movie started out with promise, but ended badly.  Godzilla teamed up with King Caesar to rip off Mechagodzilla’s head.  They then proceeded to play a game of HORSE with the decapitated robot skull in the Toshima ward of Tokyo city.  That seems a bit harsh.

When he was rebuilt by the same ape-like Americans … er … Simians, Mechagodzilla came back for revenge.  And just because you’re a tyrannical giant robot doesn’t mean you can’t have friends … so he brought along Titanosaurus as back-up.  It didn’t work … again and this time, Mechagodzilla was buried deep in the earth by the King of All Monsters to prevent his return.  It nearly worked … but as you can see there were three more movies to go.

Where there is greatness … there are imposters. Such as Mecha-Ghidorah, Mechani-Kong, M.O.G.U.E.R.A. aka SpaceGodzilla, etc.  I’m positive that Mechagodzilla would whup their sorry asses.  Are THEY made of Space Titanium?  I didn’t think so.

So in terms of my criteria … MG is definitely a robot or at least in his first incarnation he was.  The Simians later added a human brain in Terror of Mechagodzilla.  But who’s to crap on the advance of technology.  I’ve heard that the Simians years later sent their President who barfed all over the prime minister’s udon noodles and Kobe steak at a state dinner.  You damn dirty apes!

Second, he’s definitely a giant robot and the largest on this list.  The biggest that he got up to in his different movie appearances was 400 feet and 60,000 tons.  That’s pretty damn big. I’m just looking at aircraft carriers for comparisons in size and here’s one that is 620ft long and only 11,000 tons.  I guess that Space Titanium and an orange laser add a couple of pounds to Mekagojira.

Is there any doubt what he’d do to any of the other robots on this list?  He cut a mountain in half with a LAY-ZUR.  Well, he gets even more powerful in the subsequent movies.  The 1993 movie, Mechagodzilla is recreated by the JSDF with help of the Futurians, who I’m guessing live … in the … future.  He’s designed to kill big monsters, because real estate values in Tokyo just flat out suck when a 400ft irradiated lizard is break dancing on Main Street.  Bad thing he’s piloted making this version a mecha.  Oh well.

This time his armor alloy is made from NT-1, coated with a layer of diamonds to absorb Godzilla’s atomic breath to power his own weapon systems to greater heights.  In your face!  With added laser eyes, tranquilizer missile hips (huh?), paralysis missile shoulders (what?), and a mega-burster in its mouth (…), he’s ready to party again … and so is all of San Francisco.  Again, it doesn’t go so well.  It seems that Mechagodzilla can beat everyone and everything except for the creature for whom the movie is named.  Next, let’s focus on that bitch-ass punk Mothra.  Mechagodzilla gets credit though because he was the closest of any monster to actually killing Godzilla.

You can watch the end fight of the 2003 movie: part 1 | part 2.  I just have to post an image from the second part … what do you think of when you see this pic?

Yeah, me too.  So, in honor of this great robot, my #1, I present to you some original artwork that I created in Photoshop last year.  My own version of Mechagodzilla.

So … who did I miss?

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