The Olympics start today in Beijing, China. In the eyes of many Chinese, this is the opportunity to introduce China to the rest of the world as a modern, industrialized nation and leader of Asia.  For others, its a chance to wax political on human rights, doping, pollution, and traffic.  For Lucky, its a chance to make fun of everyone.  As an added bonus, I’ve researched the Internet and grabbed what I think are the funniest Chinglish signs from the Middle Kingdom.  Woo hoo!

Firstly, the start date of the Olympics has significance in Chinese numerology.  08/08/08 at 8pm.  I’m not saying that I understand ancient Asian mysticism, but I wikipedia’d it and came up with the following.  The number 8 has significance because in Mandarin the word is very similar to “prosperity” and thereby has been considered a lucky number.

Hmm.  Rex Grossman wears #8, so I’m not sure that this can be entirely true.  But maybe he’s just trying to steal Troy Aikman’s mojo (also #8).  He has remained a starter all this time despite a season QB rating of 66.4, which is 32nd on the list.  That’s gotta be pretty damn lucky.  By the way this is as good as any time to point out that Rex Grossman looks exactly like Alan Eakian from Summer School.  “I AM an Eakian, grandma!”

Before I start making fun of the Chinese for such a loose correlation, I have to admit that in the Olympic spirit I was going to make fun of Mark Spitz for obvious reasons.  I can only imagine the jokes in the pool when Spitz was swimming with Greg Louganis.  Is is Mark Swallows?  I’m terribly sorry, I just couldn’t resist.

As a result of this lucky number eight, there were a record number of marriage registrations in Australia on this day, far surpassing any other day – including Valentine’s Day.  Of course, most of these were by Chinese couples and a few bewildered white people that were surprised at all of the media coverage.

By the way, my lucky number?  It’s Seven.  According to Chinese numerology its a slang word and expletive.  Awesome!  Up your 7!  Eat 7!  Go 7 yourself, you mother7er!

Despite the lucky start date for the opening ceremony of the Beijing Olympics, there has already been controversy.  Firstly, the Korean media has leaked a sneaky film of their full dress rehearsal and already its appeared on Youtube.  An opening ceremony that cost $100 million.  To me, that’s a straight-up punk move.  It’s like waiting to let a guy tell a 10-minute joke for nine minutes, 45 seconds in front of a crowd of drunk hotties, and then blurting out the punchline at the last possible second.  That’s an unforgivable comedic cock-block and is normally followed with profanity (7!) and potentially a sharp kick to the groin.

There are other problems.  One of the biggest is the complaint of crazy air pollution in Beijing.  The theory is that its sooo polluted … (how polluted is it!) … that it will cause performance problems for athletes, particularly endurance athletes such as runners and cyclists.  Apparently, Beijing is just as bad as fajita night at the Moose lodge.  In fact, some American cyclists even wore breathing masks when they got off the plane.  Here’s a pic:

I’m a writer, so I want to make sure that I choose my words carefully.  Dickhead.  Asshole.  Embarrassing.  I also want to make sure that I name each of the four riders: Michael Friedman, Sarah Hammer, Robert Lea, and Jennie Reed.  Of course, they’ve already apologized, because … doh! … they offended the host nation, but only after furthering the ugly stereotype of Americans as jack asses, one that I’m personally advancing in Australia.  Hey, I don’t need any help, I’m doing great on my own.

One of the cyclists, Sarah Hammer, grew up withing pissing distance of Los Angeles.  Can you say … hypocrite?  I’m sure that her fragile lungs are so unused to the dirty smog of Beijing having grown up in the puritanical freshness of LA air.  On her blog, she has the audacity to label herself future gold medalist.  I now hate her even more.

Then of course, there is the spectre of doping.  In regards to the Olympics, I’m pretty much of the same opinion as the Tour de France.  If there is a chance for an advantage where the winner gets money, fame, accolades, or even just press coverage, there will be people out there looking to cheat.  And they will get away with it, at least for awhile.  Despite the efforts of WADA, the dopers have more money and the advantage.  Instead of taking away their gold medal, which is a relatively minor punishment, considering that they wouldn’t have won it without the chemical advantage, how about being turked by a syphilitic bear.  Turked?  Rectally relieved.

Then finally there is the protests against China for its human rights record.  First against Tibet and then for their profiteering over the horribleness in Darfur.  As part of her protest, Mia Farrow is going to broadcast a viewing alternative to the Beijing Olympics … called the Darfur Olympics.  I can’t state emphatically enough how bad of an idea this is.  Firstly, no one is going to watch.  Secondly, its going to inevitably be the brunt of some tasteless jokes by insensitive people.  Starting with me.  I’ve heard that one of the contests that she’s going to have is Meal Or No Meal.

I play soccer with a Chinese guy studying law over here.  I asked him why he’d want to study common law when his own legal system is based on civil law.  His answer was, “I don’t really care, I’m just here to learn English.”  I appreciated his honesty. Unfortunately, he’s going to go back to China only able to speak Australian.  I’m against this and not because he’s coming over to just learn English, but because Chinese mastery overEnglish could rob of us of these great signs I’ve been posting throughout the column.  Maybe it’s the little kid in me, but these are pure gold.

As an aside, I just finished watching the opening ceremony and I was shocked that Jackie Chan wasn’t involved in one bit.  No smiling Jet Li during the kata segment?  No moment of silence for Bruce Lee?  Criminy!