Ode to the Super-Fish
He’s done it. Michael Phelps has successfully made every man over the age of 23 feel like a complete failure. I’m 31 and I haven’t really done much in my life except drink a shitload of Jolt cola, watch every horror movie ever made, and memorize the stats of the entire Fiend Folio. Over the course of the first week+ of the Beijing Olympics, Phelps has secured eight gold medals, seven world records, and a never ending amount of trim when he gets back to the States.
It’s been awhile since I’ve felt this way – you know the whole lack of a life plan, progress, or semi-important milestone to hang my hat on. I think it occurred to me last year around my birthday, when I started to realize that I was older than most of the pro-athletes I was cheering for … older by as much as ten years.
Funny thing, I don’t feel old even with the creaky knees and increasing amount of back hair. Was that too much? However, I DO feel worthless. This just in: my wife agrees. And then Phelps … wait a second, why am I calling him by his last name … he’s 23 years old for Christ’s sake. Let me start again, and then Lil Mikey goes to Beijing and makes history.
Well, sorta. Maybe I’m being a overly little critical on Lil Mikey because he is after all the incarnation of high achiever, but swimming is not what I’d consider to be the embodiment of athletic achievement. When you really, really look at it … its not THAT impressive.
My opinion is based on two basic ideas. The first is that swimming is not a universal activity for the human race. Do people in Sudan practice the breast stroke? Hell, they don’t even eat let alone swim. Swimming is a lot like tennis. It requires a facility, such as a court or pool. I’m sure that great swimmers could come out of the natural environment, such as Brazilians that learned to swim in the Amazon River … if they survived the anacondas and piranha. But that doesn’t happen, does it.
Other sports and athletics are universally available to everyone, such as running. There is much more prestige in winning any of the running events (except for the hurdles, steeple, and … walking) than any single swimming medal. Why? Because only a small percentage of the population (and all of Australia) swims. Maybe that’s why the two most popular sports in the world are basketball and proper football (soccer). You only need a ball and a goal. And even those can be made from old shoes, twine, or elephant poop. Doesn’t matter if you’re playing in Brazil on a muddy back ally, in Ruckers on the blacktop, or in Iraq on a minefield – you can play and talent can develop.
Not so for swimming.
The second point of my poo poo party on Lil Mikey is the nature of Olympic swimming. I had to look this up just to be sure (wikizzle-pizzle, my nizzle). There are 17 swimming events for Men alone. In 100m, there are four separate events and a four-man relay. Correspondingly, if you look at Olympic athletics there are only thirteen for runners (excluding the shot put, hammer, javelin, discus, and ALL of the walking). Let’s say you had an athlete that was dominant in the 100m, he’d be able to compete in 2 events – the individual race and the 4x man relay.
I saw an interview with Michael Johnson that was putting Michael Phelps’ accomplishment into a little perspective. If he were allowed to run the 200m normal, then sideways, then backwards, etc. he’d have a helluva lot more medals, too. I have to agree with this and I’m confounded as to why the Olympics has included swimming methods that are inherently slower than freestyle (breast stroke, butterfly) and downright stupid (back stroke). Really what’s the point?
I hope that some random swimming advocate responds to this article to clear this up for me, I’m not trying to be malicious or dismissive, but I really don’t understand that reason that you’ve got four events for four different types of strokes. Why those strokes?
With that in mind, I have to say that Lil Mikey competed in the arena that he was given by the Olympics and the other competitors and made history. I certainly applaud him, I’m proud he’s an American, and I gladly defend his athleticism to jealous Australians that claim he’s a doper. But would I trade his medals to ensure that the Redeem Team wins basketball gold? Yep. Or for the USA Men’s Soccer team to win the gold … or even better the World Cup? Hell yes. For the World Cup, I’d throw in my soul as well.
If I were to select a few athletic accomplishments that I think are more impressive than Lil Mikey’s record I’d have to start with the 7x time Tour de France champion Lance Armstrong. Most Americans don’t follow cycling and don’t realize how difficult this race is to win just once or even back to back, particularly when half the field is boosting the BALCO advantage. All of Lance’s trials before he started winning are already well documented enough that I don’t have to mention them …. screw it, he had CANCER! Brain cancer!
Or what about Jesse Owens putting his nut sack right on Hitler’s forehead in the Berlin Olympics in 1936? He was competing in an environment of open racism where ethnic Africans were loudly proclaimed to be inferior in every way. “What!? Aryan race? Sheee-it.” His victories in athletics (as well as Joe Louis beating Max Schmeling in 1938) resonated on a global, cultural scale that surpasses even Jackie Robinson breaking the baseball color barrier.
Being from Oklahoma, I have to mention the greatest athlete to ever live, Jim Thorpe. I feel very strongly about this and I’m willing to fight any man that says otherwise. He won gold medals in the pentathlon and decathlon while setting world records that would stand for over 20 years, played professional NFL football, MLB baseball, and basketball with multi-championships. In gridiron, Thorpe played running back, punter, kicker, and defensive back. Bo don’t know shit. He finally retired from the NFL at the age of 41.
So in the context of the wide view of sports, I’m putting Phelps’ achievement into perspective. He’s a once in a lifetime athlete. He’s dominated an Olympics that was in desperate need of a hero in the light of over-commercialism, doping, and politics. He’s charismatic and engaging. He’ll make tens of millions of dollars and he’s only 23 with the London games likely to be another stage on which he can showcase his freakish swimming abilities.
So congratulations, Lil Mikey. You’ve made life harder for the rest of us drag asses. Great going.
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“No so for swimming”, besides being poorly worded is also total and utter hogwash. The world is literally covered with water! Oceans comprise 70% of our surface area, not even counting lakes and rivers. To imply that bodies of water are somehow scarce and preclusive is a joke and lazy debating. Sure, people in the desert don’t have as much access to it as someone on an island nation. But noone thinks we should strip the Kenyans of their medals because their climate is conducive to cultivating awesome distance runners.
There are 17 swimming events for men, and it is possible to compete in all of them. There are 13 events for running (not counting any throwing aspects or walking. Seriously, walking? WTF?!?). Apparently swimming is a more diversified discipline requiring more measurements (ie, races) to determine the best in each aspect. Just like steeplechase is an unrealistic race to run, so is backstroke. And one could argue that the distances involved in the running events are basically like different strokes. There is a very different strategy and running style for the 100 meters vs marathon.
I understand you have to write inflammatory, often inane things to drive an audience. And I’m not saying swimming is the ultimate test of athleticism, I think some sort of “-athalon” is the best judge of that (and if you want to rip something, take a look at the events in the Modern Pentathalon.). But to dismiss Mr. Phelps and his accomplishments is retarded.
Of course you feel that way, when you swam in intramurals you nearly passed out after 20m. I know I was there. We were prepared to send in divers to recover you after your cardiac arrest.
Very true. And if a hyper-tuned athlete such as myself could only get through 20 m, you can imagine how tough it is to compete in for mere mortals.
The pack a day habit didn’t help, I’m sure.
You wrote:
“The world is literally covered with water! Oceans comprise 70% of our surface area, not even counting lakes and rivers. To imply that bodies of water are somehow scarce and preclusive is a joke and lazy debating.”
To think that someone can learn to swim competitively in the ocean is ludicrous. Swimming in the pool vs. fighting against tides is a completely different enterprise. Yes, you need a pool. And I’ve never claimed to not be lazy.
You wrote:
“But noone thinks we should strip the Kenyans of their medals because their climate is conducive to cultivating awesome distance runners.”
First, this is poorly written (oh sweet revenge). Second, I never said strip anyone of their medals. Third, its the altitude of Kenya that makes their athletes so good at distance running, not their climate.
Finally, you wrote:
“There is a very different strategy and running style for the 100 meters vs marathon.”
Completely agreed and that is ALSO why swimming has their 10,000m “marathon”. The fact that swimming has more access to medals for similar distances and types of events than any other type of Olympic endeavor, such as Athletics, weight lifting, rowing, gymnastics, etc. tempers my opinion of Phelp’s accomplishment in terms of the all-time sporting greats and achievements.
With that being said, I’m still considering and comparing him to the all-time greats. And by the way, you’re ugly. Thanks for reading!
You’re kidding me. Simply repeating my attack on you is weak. And my phrase wasn’t poorly written, it was alive with alliterative awesomeness, amigo. You jealous, jealous little man.
And back in the day, they used to drop people off from a boat, out on the sea, and make them swim to shore. In your face!
And, perhaps the most egregious argument you make in your rebuttal is that altitude is what makes Kenyans good runners, rather than climate. Altitude is a component of climate. Silly bastard.
Next!
If I may, I don’t think altitude is a determinant of climate but rather a component. If somebody asked you about the climate in Dallas, you wouldn’t say “Average rainfall of 18″ per year. Average temperature of 85″. 983′ above sea level. Humidity ranges form 45-68%.” I think it falls into the same category as longitude and latitude (right now I’m at N 32(o) 56.6688′ & W 96(o) 48.4187′) which you would also exclude from any climatology presentation.
I side with the little guy on this one.
Other than that, I enjoy the argument but would only put the lad in question on par with any other dominant athlete within his sport. Until you cross the boundaries of your discipline, I don’t think you can be compared to the likes of Jim Thorpe. Tiger is amazing. Jordan, likewise. I would compare Michaels achievements to what they did withing their respective sports. I don’t think that the medals make him the greatest athlete in history. Besides, I’m just now reaching my prime. This show ain’t over.
(EDITOR: fixed as requested.)
Me arguing with John as he gets more volatile to have 8′ join us as the voice of reason? Just like old times.
In my research, I’ve found the altitude is actually a determinant of climate along with latitude, proximity to geographical features, land to water ratio, etc. An easier way to look at it is that “climate is what you expect, weather is what you get.” Climate is not geography and its not the weather report. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Climate
Yes, your phrase was poorly written … unless you were referring to Middle English midday or Peter Noone. Don’t worry, “no one” is a common mispelling that you can find here: http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/noone
Egregious. This reminds me of when you used “superfluous” and “anemic” in our fraternity chapter meetings.
So as opposed to your ever more belligerant and unsupported assertions, I actually did some reading on swimming. Apparently, the fastest method is freestyle or the front crawl. The breast stroke is particularly good at swimming in rough waters. The backstroke is still stupid in every regard. It’s the competitive walking of the pool events. At least that gives me some idea on why there are different strokes … of course they are all held in the same 50m indoor swimming pool.
Also, I stand by my assertion that swimming is for the privileged. “Nearly 6 out of 10 African-American and Hispanic children are unable to swim, nearly twice as many as their Caucasian counterparts” and “But the most worrisome statistics involve black children and teens ages 5 to 19, who are 2.3 times more likely to drown than whites in this age group. For children 10 to 14, the rate is five times higher.” from http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/08/11/despite-olympic-gold-swimming-statistics-are-grim/
From my own personal experiences, I never had access to a pool other than the random summer trips to the yellow waters of Stillwater Municipal Pool. Trying swimming in those lanes. Had my mom been able to afford a YMCA membership or equivalent, I’m sure I’d be a stronger swimmer.
The fact that 71% of the earth’s surface is covered with water does not mean that all 361 million square kilometers are available for the swimming enjoyment and mastery. Fact is that recreational swimming is something that is relatively new to the human race. Prior to the mid-1850s, only sailors and soldiers really learned it as apart of their profession and physical training.
Did you know that in the first Olympics (Athens 1896) had six swimming events planned, but only four were even contested. They even had a separate 100m for sailors only. Correspondingly, athletics held 12 events with the most contested, international fields, particularly the marathon.
If swimming were so inherent to the human race, don’t you think that there would be more swimmers naturally appearing (like runners for instance) without having a carrot first like gold medals and money to entice athletes to swim?
By the way here are my sources:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Athletics_at_the_1896_Summer_Olympics
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/History_of_swimming
Thanks for reading!
First of all, let’s get off each other’s grammar because I just got off yours. Ooh. Snap!
Secondly, John F. Kennedy used the breaststroke to rescue Seaman McMahon on a PT boat mission. That stroke is apparently more efficient for long distances and is best when you want to keep your head above water and facing forward. It has most likely looks very different in the Olympic form than it did originally. No word on if he used the same breaststroke on Ms. Monroe, but I’m guessing there was still semen involved.
Lastly, I want the record to show that I don’t take any direction from John. In fact, I can’t remember a time when we even really agreed on much. The points that I so tactfully expressed before are those of mine and only mine. I really didn’t think they supported either argument and I certainly didn’t intend to support John’s. Now, if John were to get into a fight, I would be the first person to step up and go find somebody else to fight with him.
Yeah, I don’t need anyone to carry my water. Certainly not a Raptor. They’d just shred the bucket and eat me.
And relying solely on Wikipedia (which is basically a collection of people, very similar to this exchange, putting their collective thoughts on a webpage, except there is no way they’re as smart as this collection) for your research is…..well…..graboidal. No, no, SNAKOIDAL.
The point is, Michael Phelps will go down in history as one of the greatest Olympic athletes of all time. If he performs in London in 2012 like he did in Beijing (he’s said he’ll be back), then he’s arguably the greatest athlete (period) of all time. To deny this is to take the opposing view for it’s own sake. You’re certainly entitled to your own opinion, it just won’t line up with the consensus.
Since something like this (greatest athlete) isn’t truly quantifiable, it will be decided by public opinion. Mark my words, public opinion will hold Phelps, and his accomplishments in his hoity-toity little pool, as the GOAT.
How dare you speak ill of wikipedia! What if it heard you?
I don’t disagree with what you said in these comments. I’ll certainly admit that Phelps is the greatest swimmer and Olympian of all time. I think that each sport has produced its own GOAT and it is too hard for comparisons (Jordan, Pele, Gretzsky, Ali, Babe, Lance) and its a credit to Phelps that he joins that pantheon.
And you have a small penis.
Phelps doesn’t compare to Thorpe… Plain and simple…
Johnnie, simply stating it doesn’t make it so.
And as a proud Oklahoman, I’d love to lay claim to the greatest athlete of all time. However, I’m afraid Thorpe is more legend than substance. Not saying that in a “I’m-sorry-to-tell-you-you’re-wrong” way, but literally, I’m afraid. His history is littered with such phrases as, “legend has it”, and “it’s uncertain where….(the information about to be relayed came from)”, “it is thought”, etc, etc, etc.
I know ESPN, the AP, hell, even the House of Representatives have sung (sang?) his praises. But since it was so long ago, I always wondered how much was legend and how good he really was.
Any definitive information out there on him anyone knows of? A book, maybe?
This one has gotten a lot of positive reviews, “All American: The Rise and Fall of Jim Thorpe” by Bill Crawford.