Check out this movie premise that I just spontaneously came up with:  Forlorn teenage girl, outcast from her peers, finds redemption, friends, and a load of laughs by inhaling every steroid available and wins shot put Olympic gold for her country, winning back her family and a new gaggle of friends on her way to accidentally inducing a chemical sex change.  Now she can be a man forever!

No, this is not Just One of the Guys II, it’s actually a true story.

Another ripper from CNN.com.  Who thought that news could be so damn funny?  I’m gonna have to start reading this crap everyday.  The article reports that an East German woman (go figure) was secretly fed an ass load of steroids without her knowledge.  Well they sure butched her up, but unfortunately the wanker-scale tipped a bit too far and now Heidi is Andreas.

Looks like Top Secret was right on the money.  I’m going to start reviewing this film for more Nostradamus predictions.  Ah ha, here’s one … in the next two years a hurricane will form off of the coast of Florida and will hit land much to the dismay of palm trees and trailer parks.  This hurricane will have a funny name.  Ah, here’s another one … you’re going to have a cup of coffee tomorrow morning.  The drive to work is going to be very long.  You’re going to have to Go very … very bad.

Why is all the crazy shit coming from the Germans?  It’s like the Italians got to be cool, the French asinine, the English belligerent (see this column and comments for more evidence), and the Germans got to be insane.  They have cornered the market.  Like the cannibal shopping for willing victims on eBay (and finding one!)?  Have you heard about German porn?  Or Dirk Nowitzski’s shaved head, sunken eyes, fu manchu look?  Creepy.  There’s really nothing that could come out of Germany that would surprise me now.

Even more hilarious … er … I mean tragic … is that Heidi/Andreas confirms reports that over 10,000 East German athletes were doping without a concern in the world.  Kinda makes sense that Dusseldorf is the trans-gender capital of the world, doesn’t it?  Sorry, Miami.  In unrelated news, She’s the Man, stayed die Nummer Eins at the German box office for 17 weeks, shattering the previous record of the Crying Game.

When I read this story I was immediately assaulted in my imagination of Heidi re-enacting Jamie Gumb (Buffalo Bill) from Silence of the Lambs.  You know what I’m talking about, you just don’t want to think about it.  Its notorious enough to have a one-word descriptor.  The tuck scene.  Put those words into Google with quotes and see what you get.

“It puts the lotion in the basket.”

Gee willickers, Batman, I’m extremely uncomfortable and about to vomit.  Hold on, I need to slam my face into my keyboard a few more times.

Better.

So the facts of the story are this: Heidi was given all of these super steroids by her coaches without her (his?) knowledge that mutated her (him?) into a short, fat army surplus salesman.  I’m seriously not making this up.  The guy is now running an army surplus store.  In Germany that makes me wonder – are they selling army surplus from the last sixty years?  Are Das Dudes buying Nazi outfits?  Potentially another strange twist to this story, but completely unlikely.

By the way, fun fact of the day: Hugo Boss designed the black SS outfits at the request of Himmler.  Keep that in mind, you goose-stepping fashion aficionados.

As for Heidi, she had a great career through the 80s as a shot putter, but felt betrayed and horrified at the science fiction monster she had become.  In 1997, Heidi picked up some extra bits and became Andreas Krieger, a man forever.  Showing her collection of trophies and metals, Andreas is disgusted and considers them tainted.  I guess when he was still Heidi and developed a hairy ass and a vestigial ding-dong wagging between her legs, it didn’t register that something was out of the ordinary.

Or when she started watching WWF and swilling down a six pack of beer while salivating over Guns & Ammo.

Or looking at the French pole vault jumpers and saying, “You got a pretty mouth”.

The scary part is that her coaches didn’t tell her what they were doing (allegedly).  But that still scares the crap out of me.  Can you imagine?  You hear guys like Bonds and Sheffield saying stuff like, I didn’t know that my trainer was giving me “the clear” steroids so its not my fault.  What if Marion Jones had turned into a man?  Do you think she still would have defended herself so vigorously?  Perhaps more vigorously because of a new found sense of machismo?  The good news is that she wouldn’t have to change her name like poor Heidi – Marion Lois Jones meet Marion Louis Jones.

If there is a moral to the story, its this:  Under no circumstances date an East German shot put champion.  Imagine the horror of finding an old flame that has switched teams and added a bat to the line-up.  Scheiße!