When J. R. R. Tolkien wrote the Lord of the Rings trilogy, he was attempting to create a mythological foundation of Creation for England, similar to the tales in Nordic and Chinese culture.  Coming from the pastoral countryside during the first and second world wars, his views on progress, manufacturing, and the fallibility of men was grealty influenced.

So I was thinking … what if I took his same goals and criteria and applied them the United States?  What if I created a mythological beginning steeped in fantasy and lore for our Americas? Beware then, fair folk, of the evil Kingdom of Michigania.

The period in which Tolkien wrote the LotR masterpiece was the worst in recorded history. At every turn, dictators pushed expansionist and barbarous agendas – Hitler, Stalin, Mao, Mussolini, Walmart.  WW2 killed 60 million with millions more killed in China and the Soviet Gulag.  The antecedents of the Enlightenment were torn apart and the optimism of mankind was replaced with revulsion and hopelessness.  We were a species doomed to destroy itself.

In nature vs. industry, Tolkien clearly painted innovation, technology, and advancement as the evils of man.  Case in point, Isengard on the River Isen under the rule of Saruman the White.  Isen is Old English for iron, thus you have Iron Gate and the Iron River.  The servants or Saruman literally come to direct blows with the forces of the forest in their endless quest for resources for their forges and smelters.  Can’t make this symbolism any more obvious other than having Treebeard bite the head off of Lurtz and proclaiming, “this is for the spotted owl, you shit!”

The counter point is the Shire.  Peacefully living in harmony with nature, the hobbits neither desire more than their daily fill or the dominion of anything other than their own spirit.  Instead of destroying the land, they live within it, tucked away as naturally as a family of well fed gophers in the rolling hillocks of Hobbiton.  Also remember, their love of pipe weed.  “Finest weed in the valley.”  Dude …

How then can the decrepit car factories, steel mills of the Great Lakes, and suffocating poverty be anything other than evil personified?  Michael Moore would seem to agree.  I think its easist to divide Michigania into two regions – upper and lower.

First the upper, across the dark inland sea.  A land uncharted by the fair folk and filled with wild men.  Rough terrain, dense forests, and savage creatures make it only suitable for the brave rangers of Wysconsyth.  From his rocky castle in Manistique, the wild king leads his people with axe and flaming brand.  Of course, even the goblins of the lower lands in Michigania often forget about these tribes.  It’s often assumed that they are just apart of the Viking hordes of Canador to the icy north.

Worse yet is the lower peninsula, filled with forges for black steel and terrible armor.  Unfortunately, most of the evil forges have been outsourced to far away places for cheaper labor and materials, in part because of the low quality of their battle axes and broadswords as well as the suffocating demands of their goblin unions.  Now its really just a bunch of burned out caves.

Goblins work endlessly for their Uruk-hai masters riding upon giant wolverine beasts covered in horned plate.  Loud is the trumpet call for their armies to take the field.  Their generals known as the Big 10 are fierce and get lots of attention, but are truly over-rated.  Strangely, there are eleven of them.  Those tricksters and their evil mongering!

A great hero once stood against these villains, forgotten long ago in myth and legend.  Lord Baris Sandor from the fair lands of Oklahomir.  A valiant warrior who never would never run or back from a fight.  (Get it – run or back … runningback!  Was that as lame as it feels?  I hate you.)  Eventually he grew tired of no help from his shield wall and said screw this.  He could have easily taken the mark for most goblins killed had he fought for a few more years.  Easily.

Though the orcish hordes rule the land, the night belong to the Red Wing, horrible beasts that fly from deep caves in the center of the cursed land looking for prey and hungering for man flesh. Though their combats are neither exciting or meaningful to the rest of the land, they are fast and fight a lot.

Rumors of dire Lions and Tigers abound as well, though they are easily frightened and beaten by the Bears (and Cubs) of Aellinois to the south.  In fact, most creatures of the animal kingdom dominate them.  Ok, forget about them.  Go back to the Red Wings.  They are fierce.

Of course we wouldn’t know much about this place and its horrors if not for the strange bard, Enimen the Rabbit.  His tales helped illuminate the evils of this land, its villains, and its injustices.  His tendency to take good beats and turn them into uncomfortable melodramas about his fair mother was well known, but his songs were widely played on the Minstrel Top 40.

And thus is the first land of Northern Earth – ally to evil and foe to all that is noble.  The Kingdom of Michigania.