The Marvel Olympics are finished.  Each race and nation sent their very best to complete in the spirit of fair play and super human abilities.  Uatu the Watcher, honorary referee and judge for all of the Marvel Games, has vowed that there will be no cheating as there was in the notorious Madripoor ‘96 Games with the so-called Skrull Tampering.

Let’s take a look at the results.

THE OPENING CEREMONY

First, the protests led by Reed Richards and other leading Americans over the selection of the host nation, Latveria, colored the lead-up to the games in controversy.  Their complaints centered around the poor record of human rights exhibited by the Latverian government, rampant industrial polluting in the Carpathians, war profiteering, as well as numerous attempts to conquer the world.

These concerns proved well founded as the monarch, Victor von Doom, did indeed try to kill all of the participants with an army of Doombots armed with plasma cannons during the Opening Ceremonies.  Even with the Olympic fire being substituted with a mass nullifier field the assembled heroes were still able to defeat the legion of killer robots.

That aside the Games were smooth sailing and a newly recalcitrant Dr. Doom promised no further attempts at mass murder.  Once the Doomstadt Stadium was rebuilt by the gracious contribution of the Beyonder, the Games continued.  In happier news, rumors of a mutant boycott were misstated according to Professor Charles Xavier, founder of Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters and noted mutant spokesperson.  As a sign of solidarity between Homo Sapiens and Homo Superiors, even the outspoken mutant-rights activist and sometime terrorist, Magneto participated.

Lighting the “real” Olympic fire was the former Latverian Prime Minister, Countess Lucia von Bardas.  She was summarily executed outside the stadium by firing squad.  The festivities were doubly exciting for the local Latverian peasants as Dr. Doom also declared it Doom’s Day and in celebration many gypsies were thrown into wells and churches firebombed.

As a reminder of the rules, each race or nation is only allowed to enter one contestant in each event subject to pre-qualifying and each athlete is only allowed to compete in one competition.  Athletes that are able to summon future versions of themselves, possess physical alter-egos, or duplicate themselves were determined to still count as a single competitor in a highly tested ruling by the IOC in 1989.  Finally, cosmic beings are not permitted to participate.  These beings are defined as having any FASERIP score that is Shift X (150) or above.

AQUATICS

Starting off the games are the water events.  A specially constructed 1000m pool (100m deep) was unveiled at the start of the games called the Doom Pool.  IOC inspectors disabled the electrical death field and sealed the trap doors that would have unleashed the sharks with laser beams attached to their heads before the start of the events.

Dominance and gold medals in swimming, diving, and breaching (also known as acrobatic jumping from the water’s surface) are highly contested each Olympics between the Atlantean and the Lemurian contingents.  Closely related, both are species of Homo Mermanus and to date the Atlanteans with their greater population and national stability hold the advantage.  Here are the results of the main events:

1000m Sprint – One of the most contested events in the pool this year presented another full field.  Without lanes to keep swimmers in their own lanes, battles are frequent.  The special abilities of the swimmers rarely produces an athlete breaking the surface of the water until exiting the pool.

• Men: Orka (exiled Atlantean and would-be conqueror).  The race started out relatively even between the giant Orka and the rest of the field until the battle broke out for swimming lanes.  Orka devoured the Lemurian athlete and threw an unconscious Amphibius (Savage Land Races) out of the pool.  The silver was awarded to Ch’od (Timorian).  Michael Phelps (American) placed third for the bronze.
• Women: Sea Witch (formerly Irish, now Young Gods) a relative newcomer to the Games, the Sea Witch upset the highly favored Lemurian, Llyra, who received the silver.  Bronze medal went to Tareva (Atlantean)

100,000m Marathon – Starting outside of Doomstadt in Lake Doom, the swimmers must swim approximately 60 miles to finish in the 1000m pool.  Unexpectedly, the Kraken was unleashed in Lake Doom causing some swimmers a slight disadvantage.

• Men: Namor (Atlantean) won the gold despite engaging in a full battle with the Kraken.  One of his arch-enemies, Tiger Shark (American), was able to place second despite his coaches employing a new tactic of dragging a bloody whale carcass before him during the entire race.  Amphibian (Xandarean) placed bronze and dedicated his win to his old buddies Darkcrawler and Torgo.
• Women: Marrina of Alpha Flight (originally a Plodex, but a naturalized Canadian citizen) dominated the field and completed the upset of the old guard in women’s swimming.  Andromeda (Lemurian) came in silver, followed by Namora (Atlantean) in third.

Breaching – A crowd favorite, breaching or also known as the Dolphin Jump is based on four criteria as judged by the Watcher, height, form, artistry, and acrobatic re-entry.

• Men: The young Atlantean Undertow was supposed to compete in this event, but due to his mysterious disappearance, Attuma (exiled Atlantean and would-be conqueror) completed in his place and won gold.  Coming in second was Hydro-Man (American) controversially edging out Triton (Inhuman), who received the bronze.
• Women: The clone daughter of Namora, Namorita (Atlantean) was thought to be dead, but she returned to win gold to cheers and tears from the Altantean congregation.  Second place went to Tarama Rahn (Banari), third to Lyja (Skrull).

ATHLETICS

Athletics is perhaps one of the most exciting events in the Games and for good reason.  The Doomstadt Stadium was filled to capacity to witness the spectacles of the superhuman contestants.  Snipers were present to make sure that the Latverian peasants allowed into the stadium were appropriately cheerful and happy.

Historically, the running races have been dominated by mutants.  Their participation in the games is a great relief to Olympic organizers.  Controversy started when IOC member, Peter Gyrich, insisted that mutants be held as a separate race for the medal standings.  This idea was quickly tabled after Mystique assassinated him and assumed his identity.

10,000m Sprint – One of the least popular spectator sports at previous games, the 10,000m Sprint is hard for audiences as they cannot see the runners with the naked eye.  The event came back into prominence as runners were able to blast the stadium with sonic booms as they broke the sound barrier.  They had no clue who won, but the loud booms were exciting enough … kinda like hockey.

• Men: Quicksilver (naturalized Genoshan) won the gold medal with a new OR of 0.47 seconds.  Amazingly, slow motion replay reveals that Quicksilver actually ran 26 laps instead of the required 25, but IOC officials will keep the time as recorded.  Second place was awarded to Meanstreak (future Chinese) and third to Korvus (Shi’ar)
• Women: In race that came down to a photo finish (at 1,000 frames per second) it was determined that the order of medals was Bluestreak (naturalized Genoshan), Spitfire (British), and Black Racer (American).

1,000,000m Marathon – A combination of speed and endurance, the marathon is approximately 600 miles of overland running that terminates in the Doomstadt Olympic Stadium.  First place was never in doubt, but the subsequent runners did enjoy a huge brawl in one of the smaller provincial towns in Latveria.

• Men: Speed Demon’s (American) gamble paid off to avoid racing against Quicksilver and he won his first gold in the marathon.  The rest of the contestants the poured over the line after the early dust-up were Speed (naturalized Genoshan) for silver and Mongoose (naturalized Transian) for bronze.
• Women: Winning one of the first medals for the Kree Empire of the Latveria Games, Ultra-Girl came in first.  The rest of the medal finishers were Moonstalker (Young Gods) and Tigra (Cat People).

Jumping – This event has been under serious review by the IOC for the fine line between true jumping and flight-assisted jumping.  As it stands, the event remains for now.

• Men: The Hulk (American) was a new entry into this competition as he was banned from weightlifting in the last Games for destroying the competition center after his gold medal performance and WR.  He set a new WR in this event as well of 6,234 ft.  He never came back for his medal and apparently hopped right back to New Mexico.  Followed by the Kangaroo (Australian) and Toad (English).
• Women: Power Princess (Utopians) won the gold.  Rumor has it that she can even dunk a basketball.  She was followed by Lorna Dane (American) and Valkyrie (Asgardian).

Throwing – Two events are offered and both are gender neutral.  They are the discus and the hammer throw.  These events must be held outside of the stadium as the destruction of the actual Olympia stadium in 1744 revealed that a thrown Mjolnir is just too dangerous indoors.

• Discus – Captain America (American) won this event as he has since 1940.  In perhaps another example of anti-American bias, Captain America’s medal was withheld for 3 days under suspicion of doping.  In response to these allegations, Cap said, “Super Soldier Serum.  Ever hear of it, dumbass?”  Second place was earned by Taskmaster (naturalized Latverian) and Flag-Smasher (Swiss).
• Hammer Throw – This is an event that Asgard athletes have dominated since the start of the games.  But much to everyone’s surprise, it’s Beta Ray Bill (Korbinite) in a huge upset over the heavily favored Thor (Asgardian).  Absorbing Man (American) came in third.

FLIGHT

10,000m Flight – The 10,000m flying sprint is one of the most cherished accomplishments in the Games and even competing can be considered a great honor.  The Canadians have had a stranglehold on this event for the past three games.

• Men: In a shock upset, Captain Britain (British) unseated the #1 ranked speed flyer in the world, North Star (Canadian).  The French Canadian refused to accept his silver medal and instead continues his quest for love from Wolverine.  Back up, bub.  Bronze was awarded to Living Laser (American).
• Women: Despite the loss of her twin brother in the men’s event, Aurora (Canadian) sealed her third consecutive gold medal in the event.  As always the race was highly contested by Thena (Eternals) and Her (undetermined alien species).

The Parsec – Only the Watcher can really tell who starts, finishes, and wins this race as any arrival within an atmosphere at these speeds could tilt the earth of its axis, start the next ice age, or disrupt a SF Giant’s game.  A parsec is approximately 30 trillion kilometers.

• Men: There is no one close to the flying power of Silver Surfer (Zenn-La).  He was paced by Firelord (Xandarian) and finally by Captain Marvel (Kree).  Galactus was kind enough to manage the refreshment station on Solaris IV.
• Women: A closely contested battle, Ms. Marvel (American) won the event by the slimmest of margins or 13 kilometers.  She was followed over the cosmic finish line by Nova (naturalized citizen of HELL … she’s dead) and Phoenix (interstellar being).

MISCELLANEOUS

Here is a summary of the remaining events in the Games.

• Gymnastics – Spiderman (American), his victory was dedicated to Aunt Mae.  Aw Shucks!  He was followed by Black Panther (Wakandan) and King Cobra (Dutch).
• Table Tennis: Nightcrawler (German) defeated Reed Richards (American) in triple elimination sudden death.  Third was picked up by Shangi Chi (Chinese of course).
• Martial Arts: Karnak (Inhuman) defeating Iron Fist in a continuation of their long-standing rivalry.  The White Tiger (Puerto Rican) came in third.  A Cuban athlete angered by a call kicked the referee, Ares, and was hacked to death on the competition mat.
• Men’s Weightlifting: Hercules (Olympians) edging the Thing (Americans) and Abomination (Russian).  There were chants of HULK HULK HULK during the entire event and already a petition is being organized by Doc Sampson to have the green giant reinstated for the next games.
• Women’s Weightlifting: She-Hulk (Americans) defeating Sif (Olympians) and Titania (naturalized Chinese).  She-Hulk raised controversy for her revealing photo spread in Maxim prior to the games.
• Tug of War: Connected by an adamantium chain, Juggernaut (American) wins again over his rival in this event, Rhino (Russian), and the always competitive Blob (naturalized Genoshan) comes in third.
• Chess: the Leader (American) plowing his way through a packed field of Mandarin (Chinese), Kang the Conqueror (Future Human), Mentac the Living Computer (Russian), and Baron Helmut Zemo (German).

The shooting weapon events are typically dominated by the Americans.  This year there was nearly a clean sweep.  Here are the results:

• Archery – Hawkeye (American) won over a highly contested field including Kraven (Russian) as well as a bevvy of participants from the Savage Land Races.
• Shuriken – Bullseye (American) is a repeat winner in this event much to the chagrin of the Japanese ninja delegation.  Bullseye is also famous on the World Series of Poker for killing Phil Hellmuth with the River card.  Followed by Elektra (Greek) and Boomerang (Australian)
• Guns – Deadpool (Canadian) beating out long-time champion Nick Fury (American) and Bushman (Burundi)
• Demo – Punisher (American).  Truly unfortunate with what happened to the other contestants.

That’s the entire lot of it.  And to think that the Thing didn’t get beat up by the Hulk once.  These are happy times. All nations and countries earned medals … except again for the Moloids of Subterranea.  Be sure to tune into the 2012 Olympic Games hosted by Wakanda as well as the 2010 Power Armor Championships sponsored by Stark Enterprises.  That’s a wrap and I’m outta here.

BAMF!