In an effort to stay timely, relevant, and on the cutting edge of news in my self-admitted daily idiocy, I occasionally read CNN.com.  Actually, I subscribe to an RSS feed on my iGoogle home page and cherry pick the headlines for something interesting.  Along with ESPN.com, Soccernet.com, my gmail inbox, the local weather forecast for Melbourne, and Sports podcasts.  Back when I was in the biz as they say (actually, no one says that), I had an SEO feed, as well.

I was torn between writing on two different topics.  The first, and ultimately unsuccessful, was the advent of Muslim superheroes – such as Jabbar the Powerful – and their resulting merchandising, theme parks, and TV programming that is ensuing.  Islam meet capitalism.  My second story and target of today’s column is the commercial cloning of animals, specifically, puppies.

So if you guessed that a South Korean lab is cloning puppies for over-indulged American women … then I’m happy to inform you that you’re correct.  The woman, Bernann McKinney, had her pit bull terrier (named Booger) cloned into five puppies by RNL Bio, based in Seoul (or is it Seoulless?).  The original doggy died of cancer in 2005.

First, the woman.  McKinney was apparently mauled by another, bigger dog which her faithful pooch helped save her from.  As everyone knows, in the dog world, don’t mess with the pit bulls.  It doesn’t say what breed the bigger dog was … perhaps its was a timber wolf.  Afterwards, Booger helped her around the house as she was confined to a wheelchair.  The pit bull apparently received no training and so his help with fetching sneakers, getting the newspaper, opening doors, and the like is truly the result of superior genes.  This dog must be reanimated – get me Herbert West!

RNL Bio was actually not her first choice.  She apparently had contacted a US-based company for her Fido fabrication … a company named Genetics Savings and Clone.  I’m honestly not making any of this up.  Apparently, S&C had great success with cats, but couldn’t reproduce a canine and went out of business.  And that’s just a damn shame.

I just want to interject here something that I’ve known all along – dogs are clearly genetically superior to cats in every fashion.  Savings & Clone could reproduce those pussies, but when it came to a dog … that was asking too much.

She sent in her cells samples and presto-chango she got back five dogs.  Two are going to be donated to an elderly community and McKinney is keeping the other three.  Three Boogers are better than one.  How much did she pay for her pit bulls?  McKinney paid $50,000, a discount price of 1/3 for her added publicity.  That’s right, $150,000 is the investment to have your loyal companion grown in a test tube into infancy.

It’s stuff like this that has the rest of the world laughing at us.  There are people that live in a hut made of poop and peat moss, digging for worms to catch mud fish, and drinking tidal backwash.  But in America, we’ve got people spending $50k so that Booger Presley will ride again.

Random thought – do you think if Booger 2.0 smells the original Booger’s pee markingsin the yard, he’ll think that they are his own?  What about the genetic twins (Mark I, II, III)?  Will they be able to differentiate between each other’s urinal territory? If Mark I smells Mark II’s butt, will he think, “what the hell is my ass doing over here?!”

Have we thought about cloning dinosaurs yet?  Oh ok, just checking.  We need to get someone working on this fast – I’m already 31 and I want to be chased by a T-Rex on the back the a jeep in my lifetime.

Another random thought – how many mutoid Boogers are wandering around in an underground laboratory?  What are the odds that they got it right on the first try and didn’t accidently produce primitively intelligent, Booger super soldiers?  I’ve seen Watchers, man, I know what happens at places like this and so does Corey Haim and Dean R. Koontz.  One dog turns out fine with mild telepathic abilities and the other one into a bipedal evil muppet bent on human flesh.

RNL Bio is the South Korean laboratory that brought you the wonder of Boogers on Ice.  They claim that this is the first successful commercial cloning ever.  Congratulations, now you get to go to hell.

Interesting note: RNL Bio is headed by Lee Byeong-chun.  Yep, that’s right, Lee is the colleague of Hwang Woo-suk.  I knew that name sounded familiar.  Suk was the scientist that faked cloning stem cells with a jar of old cheese whiz and some anti-freeze back in 2005.

I’ve heard the Suk is now slated to be in Real World: Seoul as a sardonic bike messenger, whose acerbic wit and disregard for the other house mates threatens to tear the studio loft apart.

That doesn’t bode well for the future of their company or the legitimacy of their research.  Can we call it research?  Independent tests confirm that the five new puppies are in fact formed from the original Booger DNA and not just cute look alikes.  Good job Byeong-chun!

Their corporate growth model?  Well, in addition to dogs, their CEO Ra Jeong-chan also wants to start cloning camels for the middle east.  What?!  Is there a reason to clone MORE animals that are clearly the dominate species in a region?  How about cloning kangaroos for Australia or sewer rats and pidgeons for New York?

I’m sure that there is a Middle Easterner out there that is crying his eyes out because his camel, Babu, died of hoof and mouth disease.  This same camel protected our sad friend from another bigger camel and after the attack, helped with the herding and beating of his third and fourth wives.  That camel must live on!

I propose cloning more Alaskan king crab so that Sig Hansen and his brothers don’t have to risk their lives each winter in the Bering Sea.  Plus, my wife almost passes out when she sees them pour out of the crab pot.  Seafood that big is a Vietnamese wet dream.

Ultimately, RNL Bio’s goal is to reproduce up to 300 dogs per year.  This just in – the Korean meat market soars.

If you think I’m being insensitive or racist, think again.  My sister was stationed in South Korea several years ago and apparently the Army base was directly next to a dog meat packing plant.  Dogs would be hung by their paws and beat while alive to tenderize their meat.  Oh, the sounds and smells of exotic Korea.

I’ve even watched Chinese movies with Jet Li dining on dog – one that his character killed and cooked in the movie.  I guess eating dog in Chinese culture makes your kung-fu very powerful.  Of course, this movie will never get released in America or Jet Li will be villified more than Michael Vick.  Dog eater!

It’s a capitalist world out there and if there are buyers, there will be suppliers.  So, there is only one thing to do and that is to look on the bright side.  Pick up a glass, lads, and join me in giving three cheers to the dog that escaped death.  Here’s to Booger!  All of them.