I’m not a particularly superstitious person.  But there are some things that I know exist that can’t be seen.  Such as the atmosphere, radiation, and of course vampires.  Listen to me when I tell you this – the ending scene of Salem’s Lot has come true.  Remember?  Ben Mears and Mark Petrie confront one of the hundreds of vampire spawn created by Kurt Barlow (the Master) in Central America.  I can’t say then that I was the least surprised when I read the following headline on CNN.com: 38 Dead After Being Bitten by Vampire Bats.

The lords of the undead have come and the apocalypse is nigh.  According to the article that I’ve read (and reread in the grip of terror), vampires in the form of bats have been preying on villagers in Venezuela.  According to the stupid gringos that traveled there to investigate (I can only assume these are over-privileged white people … who else would volunteer to go into El Ravenloft?) death comes 2 to 7 days after the first symptoms.  Symptoms include bite marks, noctoral bleeding, numbness, a fear of running water, and a burning desire to drink other people’s blood.  Shee-it.

The article didn’t say if the “fallen” had been properly dealt with to prevent a reinfestation.  So we have to assume that the plague is in full swing … like the killer bee scare of the 1990s, except this time its real.  So with that in mind …

Let me be the first to volunteer for the man servant role of Renfield or Richard Straker.  I know that there are likely going to be a lot of candidates for the role, but I just don’t think vampire spawn suits me, even one as memorable as Evil Ed.

If I were to show up, scratching at the windows of my wife, family, or friends, they’d all immediately assume that I sold out to the vampire overlords.  I’m just that type of person.  So that’s not going to work.  And I’m simply too colorful to just be sucked dry and left for dead.

Now just listen to my resume, Strahd, and you tell me how I couldn’t possibly be the ring leader of your gypsy day servants.

First, I’m an industrious cleaner.  Great for old places, such as the Marsden House.  I’ll have that decrepit old shack looking like Trump Palace before you know it.  Just because you sleep in grave dirt doesn’t mean you must endure ugly stains and mildew.  Secondly, I’m a go getter.  You want the blonde-haired, buxom town virgin?  I’m the man to go get her and tie her up in your lair for easy feeding.  Plus, I’m great with witty comebacks and retorts, so you can grunt and hiss while I talk to the cross wielding heroes.

Why stop there?  I’d be more than happy to undergo weapons training.  Why does the ghoul have to rely on augmented strength to defeat his enemies.  Wouldn’t I be even more valuable if I could use an AK-47 and just unleash drive-bys on the crusaders as they fill up their flasks with holy water at the local church and even lob in a few grenades for insurance?  You see, I’m an idea man.  That’s what I bring to the table.  Plus, I really, really want augmented strength.

Also, I feel obliged to make a pitch for the little Mrs, too.  She’d make a terrible vampire spawn, as well.  Let me give you an example, “You’re not biting right, do you know what you’re doing?” or “Why are you flying so low, aren’t you paying attention?” or “You’re only biting one person tonight.  Is that as high as you set your goals?”  Trust me, you don’t want the aggravation.

Let her hang out with me in the daytime.  Plus, as an added bonus – she’s a dental specialist.  Imagine the possibilities there.  Just take a look at the vampiress on the left – I’m seeing lots of rot and misuse there.  She needs a full mouth rehab – crowns, bridges, veneers, the whole thing.  Remember, take care of your teeth because they take care of you.

One thing though – don’t pick her over me.  Consider us a package deal (or you can just secretly pick me).  Just throwing it out there.  Think about it and get back to me.