In this column, I’m going to talk about America’s game.  No, not Halo, not WoW, not Starcraft II.  Those belong to Korea.  I’m talking about a sports game.  Dammnit, not Madden 2009 or that WII crap.  Just stick with me people.  I’m talking about a real-life sport, football.  Grid-iron football.  Let’s take a world wind tour of the NFL and the NCAAs.

You may be asking “What in the hell is this picture and what does it have to do with football?”

Well, my precious, keep reading.

• NEW! Oklahomans score TDs … I just checked out the NCAA scoring statistics by team and unlike Matt Hasselback … we take the ball and score.  OU, Oklahoma State, and Tulsa are in the top 5 for team scoring in the NCAA.  All teams are averaging 50+ points per game.  We score.  That’s why we have such high teen pregnancy rates.  If you look at just the BIG 12, then we’ve got 7 of the top 10.  SEC suck it!  Deez nuts, deez nuts.
• Oregon State beat #1 USC last night 27-21, proving not that the PAC-10 has some decent teams, but that USC is perpetually over-rated.  OSU was led by their freshman running back Jacquizz Rodgers with 186 yards and 2 TDs.  Jacquizz?  Please tell me how this guy’s nickname is not Jiz Rodgers.  Imagine this on ESPN, Broken Trojan beaten by rabid Jiz in the Beaver Box!  Has a headline ever written itself so perfectly?  I’d love to partner this guy with his brother, Buck Rodgers, so that Buck and Jiz can delivery pizza to lonely sororities and have sex with hot Catholic school girl strippers.
• Tom Brady is hurt and will miss the entire New England Patriots season.  Peyton Manning is hurt and his team is struggling terrible.  This just in – there is no Reset button in the real NFL or Jesus Christ has Tony Romo on his fantasy team.
• Oklahoma State University is undefeated but … the recession is hitting our Godfather/Keyser Söze benefactor mightily.  Boone Pickens has personally lost $300 million this year alone due to the housing market collapse and the sub-slime mortgage crisis.  Reports are coming out of Stillwater that Pickens has changed his mind and would … um … please like back his $400 million contributions.  He’ll just keep it at his house and it can be like both of ours.  Oh no, we suck again!
• Shawne Merriman is hurt and will miss the entire season.  Apparently, karma is a real bitch.  And the steroid faerie doesn’t heal ligaments.  I really don’t like this guy.  Or the Chargers.  Or Norv Turner.
• September is Hispanic Heritage in month NFL.  Somewhere Tony Gonzales and Anthony Munoz are drinking El Sol, eating tacos, and wishing they had played soccer instead.  Eat that Kornheiser – that’s how you insult an entire culture with a lame stereotype.  But that brings me to another point … with that type of representation in the NFL earning an entire month, then maybe its time we honored the other ethnic groups composing the body of football teams.  Ladies and gentlemen, October and November are Samoan Heritage Months and the next twenty five years are the African American Era.  Don’t worry, I still remembered the kickers and QBs, the whiteys will get the Take A Caucasion to Lunch hour.
• The University of Oklahoma is the only sublime thing in Oklahoma besides cow shit and calf fries.  In related news, the NCAA has announced that its professional player experiment is working with astounding results in Norman.  They promise to expand the case study to Miami and LSU.  I’m an Oklahoman living out the country … so I find myself rooting for anything that is Oklahoman, other than tornados and teen pregnancy.  I’m rooting for Bob Stoops (yep, rooting in Australia means sexing) but I fear Missouri.  Don’t have good feelings at all on that one.  Let’s move on.
• It’s been 3 years so … why hasn’t Adam Sandler made another football movie.  At least give us another sports movie with a lot of fighting.  I like watching him punch Bob Barker.  In the face.  What, Barker’s dead?  Well dig his ass up.
• NFL Parity Sucks.  Every year take every team and shuffle them into a deck and deal.  That’s how you’re going to determine who is good and who is terrible.  The AFC is completely wide open.  The Chargers are 1-2.  Jacksonville is 1-2.  The are Colts 1-2 and Peyton is injured.  The Patriots are … who cares what their record is … NO BRADY!  The Broncos score more than a nymphomaniac porno queen at a federal prison, but can’t stop anybody.  The 3-0 Toronto Bills apparently play in the WAC.  The Titans can choose between a suicidal, no armed cry baby or a 6′ 2″ sized turd to play quarterback.  Cats and dogs living together … mass hysteria!
• Matt Millen fired. I believe that there is a lesson in here.  If you have joined the mustache club, your job performance simply does not matter.  I’d like to propose that we call this the Matt Illin’ phenomenon.  Job going badly?  Can’t pay your mortgage?  Caught an STD in a Mexican brothel?  Grow a furry mustache and immediately get another four years of worry free ineptitude.  I’m writing George W. Bush right now … THIRD TERM!  THIRD TERM!
• There are some teams that eat balls … just ask Detroit, St. Louis, and the Raiders.  I heard on an ESPN podcast from Aaron Schatz of the Pro Football Prospectus that just as they were measuring the 2007 New England Patriots for all-time greatness in the NFL history, they are also measuring those previously named teams against the all-time worst teams ever.  I personally hate the idea of NFL parity.  The fact that the San Francisco 49ers have struggled in sucktatude for the last decade or that the Miami Dolphins can’t move the ball without pissing all over themselves.  Is there nothing sacred?  Look at MLB.  Take away the salary cap and let the winners win and the losers … lose.
• Half-time adjustments win football games. That is why Mack Brown is a complete horse’s ass.  Not only does Texas produce a string of socially retarded, crack-head RBs, but they are well known for going to the same well and drinking the same water for the entire 3rd and 4th quarter … even if the entire OU receiving core just pissed enough froth into that same well that it looks like an A&W rootbeer float.
• Troy Aikman is a Joe Buck clone.  I can’t think of a better partnering tandem than these two.  I used to like Troy Aikmen in his early playing days (right around the second superbowl win, not the ambiguously gay rumors and the car dealership).  When I listen to these guys call games, I put out a bottle of Paxil and a loaded handgun.  What ever happens … happens.  These guys could make a hate, lesbo makeout session with Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston boring.  Apparently, Troy has had to deal with depression ever since college when Switzer told him to piss off cause he was running the wishbone.  And Joe Buck is a Sigma Nu … ooh hiss … I hate him even more.
• Martin Grammatica is giving soccer players a bad name … and he doesn’t … even play … our sport.  He flops when he’s hit, he celebrates his field goals like he just scored a GOOOOL, he’s the cousin of Mr. Glass, he’s Latin, and he misses clutch FGs like Baggio on the PK.  Can there be a mercy killing?  I’m not advocating that some crazy go out and kill Martin Grammatica, but will some crazy go out and kill Martin Grammatica?!?!
• Rosie O’Donnell suits up for Colts.  These guys are in desperate need of a Left Guard ever since Jeff Saturday got hurt on Sunday, which I heard on Tuesday with Joe Friday and Wednesday Addams.  Has there ever been a position in professional sports that is more critical to the success of a team, but less heralded?  What about the PGA Senior Tour pacemaker technician … or the WNBA sasquatch wranger.
• Superbowl Picks Dallas beating San Diego.  How ’bout them Cowboys!

Until next time, sports fans.