I love soccer.  I’ve been playing it since I was a lad growing up in Oklahoma, a hotbed of proper football.  OK, so soccer is not that huge in Oklahoma … but its just behind football, basketball, baseball, wrestling, table tennis, combat archery, netball, badminton, lacrosse, Shoots & Ladders, and dodge ball.

In truth most of the United States thinks that soccer is boring, low scoring, and dominated by greasy haired Euros and diving South Americans.  It’s become my life goal to bring soccer successfully to America.

Here are my thirty ways of ensuring the soccer becomes the new American pasttime.  As you start to implement these ideas the percentage that American soccer wil dominate the world and the national sports scene will gradually rise.  If we can get all 30 put into place, then I guarantee the USA wins the next World Cup.

1. David Beckham must dry hump 35 random female fans from each game.
2. The referee is The Chuck Norris.  He doesn’t show a red card, he just holds up his bloody fist.
3. The families of all players are held in captivity during the game.  When a player flops, crowd noise is used to determine if one of them is executed.
4. Pre-game show is “Stupid Pet Tricks” with Michael Vick.
5. Every time the crowd yells Olé, Posh must flash her boobs.
6. Voter irregularities in key swing states are not decided by hanging chads but by penalty shootout.
7. All-star game consists of American players vs. country of last invasion and/or occupation.  Former games include Germany, Italy, Crete, Panama, Nicaragua, Vietnam, Japan, Serbia, Somalia, Afghanistan, and Iraq.
8. Players receiving yellow card also receive a sharp kick to groin.
9. Release “Joga Bonita” mix tapes with free soccer balls into inner city communities.
10. Instead of bailing out Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, federal government subsidizes team salaries.  Team acquisitions target Lionel Messi, Kaká, Cristiano Ronaldo, Didier Drogba, David Villa, and Stephen Gerrard.
11. Sell the NBA to China for undetectable steroids and gene therapy.
12. Additional twelfth player added to the field as Muay Thai defender.
13. Start “Free Gallon of Gas” night for first 1,000 fans to arrive at stadium.
14. Announcers are Dave Chapelle, John Madden on cocaine, and Ed McMahon’s rotting corpse.  YOU ARE CORRECT SIR!
15. Half time celebration features corner flag pole dancers and newly out of hiding Tupac and Elvis singing their collaborations “Blue Suede Shooting” and “Heart Break Hoes Tell”.
16. American players adopted Brazilian single name tradition, such as “Ocho-Cinco” or “He-Hate-Me”.
17. Bring back the New York Cosmos with original roster.
18. Every African-born player will be adopted by Angelina Jolie.
19. Freddie Adu switches to cricket.  Forever.
20. Players provided with uranium depleted cleats for extra hard shots.
21. Add LOST, Heroes, and American Idol to ESPN Deportes.
22. Merge NFL with CFL and NHL.
23. Extra time and golden goal are held in the MMA Octagon.
24. Goal size increased to 50ft wide and 20ft high.
25. 150 years of baseball history and statistics secretly re-written as 150 years of soccer history and statistics.
26. Isaiah Thomas promoted to coach and GM for every successful NFL franchise.
27. Joe Buck has larynx cut.  Actually, this has nothing to do with soccer.  Just a personal preference.
28. Scoreless draws end with free Oprah car giveaway for every fan in stadium.
29. Barcelona forcibly relocated to El Paso, TX.
30. Add paraplegic team on motorized rocket sleds.

I know what you’re thinking … this just might work.  I told you!