St. Paul, MN (AP): Senator John McCain, Republican party presidential nominee, made headlines this weekend at the Republican National Convention by mastering the art of Jedi Lightning. Amazed spectators were blasted into oblivion when crowd noise was not to his satisfaction.

The Sith Lord was quoted as saying, “Once I’m elected Emperor McCain, I will dissolve the Senate and crush the Rebellion.”

One of the key campaign promises of the Arizona Senator was to dismiss Hurricane Gustav that he summoned with his Sith powers to destroy the southern United States.  It was part of his Republican primary platform, “Deny me and I shall bring down the hell storm.”

As part of his plan to usurp the White House, Senator McCain has converted young padawan learner, Sarah Palin, into the vice presidential cyborg monster, Darth Mum.  According to Republican insiders, McCain was able to seduce the self-proclaimed Hockey Mom from Planet Hoth with “Join me and together we shall rule the galaxy.”  As part of her introduction into the presidential campaign, McCain severed Palin’s left hand with his light saber.  Reports indicate that Palin’s mummified hand is being auctioned on eBay with the proceeds to support Down’s Syndrome children.

As for his opponent, McCain insists on calling on the Democratic nominee, Sen. Barack Obama (Ill), Lando Calrissian and his party, the Rebellion.  The dirty tactics have already started in the presidential race with strong speeches at the convention and McCain endorsing torture of captured campaign staffers.

One of the main concerns for voters is the venerable McCain’s advanced age, 72.  In response to questions about his health, the Arizona Senator responded, “Fools!  You think me to be only 72?  I’m over four hundred years old.”  He added that should Barack strike him down, he’ll be more powerful than imaginable.  It is predicted by political experts that McCain will reappear as a Jedi ghost to continue to lead after his death.

- – - – -

The first shots have been fired from both sides at each party’s national dog-and-pony show.  Here’s a couple of Lucky thoughts on each side.

• Barack has pulled his speech writing hounds off of VP candidate Sarah Palin’s daughter who suffers from Down Syndrome, saying “Families are off limits”.  What kind of a world do we live in when this type of a statement actually makes headlines?  You’ve got a presidential candidate saying, “OK, no one pick on the retard” and we’re ready to award him the humanitarian award?  Are we that morally bankrupt as a people?
• The rhetoric coming from Sarah Palin is incendiary.  It’s divisive enough to come across as over compensating for her Alaska-ness.  Apparently her speech writer was the same guy that works on W.’s stuff and you can tell.  It’s blood & guts and kill the Democrat-bastards.  I think that one thing is certain in this campaign is that Americans want a new direction from the Chief Executive AND an end to partisan politics.  It’s like the REPs and DEMs were formerly boyfriend-girlfriend with a bitter breakup and now are arguing over who gets each album in the record collection.
• Sarah Palin is H-O-T hot hot hot.  With her glasses, she’s got a little Tiny Fey thing going on.  The smart, sassy chick works for me.  With a name like Barracuda, you can only imagine that she’s a MINX.  Grrr.
• John McCain is getting older by the second.  I think he got confused during his speech and promised to end the war between the States.  He looks like a wax sculpture put into a slowly heating kiln as his face continues to droop and melt.  The only thing holding his face together are the scars.  I also believe he carries a combat knife with him at all times just in case Charlie tries to take him back to Hanoi.
• If I don’t trust people over 70 to drive on the highway can I trust them in the Oval Office?  When you’re zipping down the Tollway at 90mph after work and you see a blue-hair just peeking over her steering wheel, don’t you just want to ram her with your car?  Is this the reaction we’ll get as John McCain settles into his chair and complains about his health and young people to the other heads of state?
• Joe Biden is a bulldog.  I’d love to see as a drill sergeant at the bad kids “scared straight” camp.  I think he’s going to go on a Steve Ballmer rampage at some point during the election.  “Barack Obama … I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE THIS MAN!!!!”  Is it too late for Barack to just nominate Oprah as his running mate?
• Are Barack Obama’s ears getting bigger?  Is that even possible?  I’m expecting a bunch of crows to start a song and dance routine with the “Magic Feather” every time he gets on stage.  “I’ve seen a house fly!”
• What’s the over-under that Barack uses the N-word at least once over the next three months?  Is that greater or less than McCain’s chances?

Make sure to check back on LuckyRob.com for all your political news and insight.  As an Beltway insider, Lucky Rob will get you all of the exclusives and breaking news.