This is a new column that I’m introducing.  It takes a story-line or fictional universe and asks the question “What if it were real?” and then examining what the hell that means and how it could be true.

So what if Street Fighter II were real?

Game History: Street Fighter was released by Capcom in 1987 as an arcade game.  It was a fighting game that featured different martial arts from around the world.  The reality of these martial arts is tenuous at best … such as the big boss in England, Eagle, fighting with two kali sticks as if there were the walking canes of a proper gentlemen.  At least there was a ninja with throwing stars and combat claws (Geki, Japan).

Modestly successful, it spawned a sequel in 1991 called Street Fighter II: the World Warrior.  This allowed players to select warriors from originally six different countries (Japan x2, America x2, India, USSR, China, and Brazil).  Street Fighter II was hugely popular and spawned several iterations (Champion, Hyper, Super, & Super Turbo) as well as a noted imitator, Mortal Kombat (1992).  MK’s only noteworthy contribution to the genre was the inclusion of slapstick gore and blood to take away from rotoscope graphics and palette swapping.

Premise: The concept behind the story is fairly simple for SF2.  An international crime lord holds a secret, no-holds bar tournament of world warriors.  Upon fighting their way through the field of entrants, the successful martial artist then fights through the lesser bosses of the Shadaloo.  The bosses come from the following additional countries: USA, Spain, and Thailand.

As the game expands in later editions the list of countries expands to the following: Japan (Ryu, E. Honda), USA (Ken, Guile, Balrog), Russia (Zangief), India (Dhalsim), Brazil (Blanka), England (Cammy), Hong Kong (Fei Long), China (Chun-Li), Jamaica (Dee Jay), Mexico (T. Hawk), Spain (Vega), Thailand (Sagat), and international fugitive (M. Bison).

Most of the tournament entrants have a personal vendetta against M. Bison and have entered the tournament against their better judgement and morals to get a chance to face the villian.

The Tournament: There are several international crime organizations that could supplant the Shadaloo with the muscle, money, and connections to host the World Warrior Tournament.  Some of those are the Russian mob (see Eastern Promises), Al-Qaeda, the Mafia, Triads, Mara Salvatrucha, the Arian Brotherhood, and the Wu-Tang Clan.  The reality is that none of them would hold an ultra-secret martial arts tournament because there is no money in it … unless they broadcast via subscription on the Internet via The Condemned.

For this tournament, we’re choosing billionaire and Russian oligarch, Roman Abramovich.  He’s reportedly worth $23.5 billion dollars and is known internationally for buying the Chelsea football club and running it like Steinbrenner ran the Yankees.  He allegedly made his money when Gorbachev opened up the trade starved USSR to international commerce and aspiring entrepreneurs grabbed the opportunity to sell jeans, radios, toilet paper, and more.

Now as you well know, anyone that is anything in the Rodina has its hands in or is controlled by the Russian mob.  While Roman gets a pass for having a strong cover story, you know he’s dying to get Didier Drogba into a kumate death match with Wayne Rooney.

The Combatants: There are two ways to look at this.  The tournament pool can be fighters from the selected countries that are active today or the best fighters that those countries have ever produced.  Since active fighters is more realistic (only slightly), then we’ll focus on that much to the chagrin of India and their lack of real ass kicking power since the Thugee cult disappeared in 1870.  Apparently, one them started dating Yoko Ono.

We’ll remain true to the game and select one participant per video game incarnation from their intended country.  There is no way to remain faithful to their listed fighting style as there is known martial arts that focuses on flying cannonballs and lightning attacks.  Also, in today’s world, adherence to specific styles is a weakness rather than a synthesis of jiujitsu, muay thai, stand-up, and ground & pound.

Quick note – there are no weight divisions and there are no rules.  If you’re able to throw a Tiger Punch fireball … then more power to you.  Of course, you’re not allowed to bring in an Uzi and just shoot your opponent.  Here’s the list of combatants:

Japan: Despite the video games’ inclination, there is no dominant Japanese male fighter in MMA at any weight class.  So I decided to pick the greatest of their exports, who happens to be a woman, Megumi Fujii.  I know that she’d be absolutely tooled in this tournament by the bigger, stronger, faster male combatants (115 lbs), but we’re keeping in line with the intramural feel of SF2 by including a few of the girls.  Fujii has a 15-0 MMA record and has notably competed in several specialized tournaments, including Sambo and Jiu-Jutsu (both of which she is a champion).  She’s a submission specialist, but also can stand-up with kickboxing and traditional boxing.

United States: For the first of three Yanks, I’m choosing San Shou and MMA legend Cung Le.  Don’t let the name fool you, he’s American.  Though he was born in Saigon, he moved to the states at a very early age and has been fighting out of San Diego his entire career.  I’ve already touted the likes of Cung Le in my Bruce Lee article, but some of its worth mentioning again.  He beat Frank Shamrock by breaking his arm with kicks.  He’s undefeated in both MMA and San Shou.  And he’s the pride and joy of southern Vietnamese every where.  At LuckyRob, we like us some Cung Le.
USSR: We all know the fate of the Soviet Union, so we’ll more accurately select a Russian fighter.  This is one of two categories that really had me urging to look at historical greats.  For the Soviets, I would have selected the fearsome Greco-Roman bear, Alexandr Karelin, perhaps the most dominant Olympic athlete ever. The active combatant is none other than Fedor Emelianenko, who along with Brazil’s entry is in the running for pound for pound greatest fighter.  He is the undisputed king of heavyweights and employs the naturalized / invented Russian martial arts of Sambo mixed with Judo and Muay Thai.  He’s 29-1 with his last loss coming eight years ago.
India: This one is tough, because other than cricket, India is not well known for producing athletes or martial artists.  Dhalsim apparently used Yoga martial arts, which does not exist.  This is one that really inspires me to pick from the past when I found the Great Gama, the only undefeated wrestler in history (to date) with a career spanning 50 years.  Of course, he died in 1960 and ended up on the Pakistan side of the partitioned India which takes him out of the running.  Then there are the Thugee and the Sikh gatka, but there is no telling who the best practitioners were or are to make a proper selection.  So, we’ll choose Mehul Vora, a black belt and karate champion from Bombay.  This is probably the biggest mismatch with … well … anyone in this field, except for little Megumi Fujii above.  Maybe.
China: This one took some research.  Sure I could have posted a Jet Li or Jackie Chan despite the fact that both are over 40, but I wanted to find a real fighter.  Wushu as its current form is more spectacle that sparring, more closely related to weapon kata or gymnastics.  So I chose Liu Hailong, a San Shou fighter.  San Shou or Sanda is a martial arts system as well as a combat sport in China.  Unlike most Asian tournament martial arts, San Shou includes striking, limited grappling, and throws.  Hailong is notorious for picking up his opponent and throwing them out of the ring, over the ropes and all.  He’s also famous for beating several of the Muay Thai fighters out of Thailand.  He’s also a larger Chinese fighter at approximately 170 pounds.
United States: Though his record doesn’t reflect it, BJ Penn is one of the most talented mixed martial artists in the world.  He’s a specialist in BJJ and doesn’t need much else.  His record is a paltry 13-4, but most of his losses have come as a result of his lack of discipline and Hawaiian lifestyle.  Now that he’s refocused after an upset loss to Matt Hughes and losing his belt to GSP, he’s submitted Jens Pulver and knocked out Sean Sherk.  He has a nice custom of licking his opponent’s blood off of his gloves after the match.  Nice.  He’s currently ranked #1 in the world at lightweight.
Japan: I really, really, really wanted to put in a sumo in the E. Honda spot.  Here’s the problem.  There are only two active yokozunas in sumo as of right now.  And they are both Mongolian.  It’s not like we’re inviting the lowly ozeki to our secret World Warrior tournament.  Puh-leeze.  So we’re taking yet another small guy, Takanori Gomi or as the Japanese like to call him, “The Fireball Kid”.  I guess we know who is going to unleash the Hadouken! This guy is 29-3 and was previously ranked #2 in the world for lightweight (see #1 above).  He’s slipped down a few notches, just because he’s been a little inactive.  He’s still a small guy at 160 .lbs, but we’re seeing that trend throughout all of the fighters, except Russia.
Brazil: This country provided the other certainty of the selection pool.  Not only does Brazil boast an exceptional stable of martial artists, they’ve actually created their own version with Brazilian Jiujitsu.  In addition, they have one of two contestable pound for pound greatest fighters in Anderson Silva or the Spider.  He’s got the clinch, ground game, stand-up, everything.  On top of all of that he’s a freak athlete with reach and power.  His current record is 22-4, but in his last eleven fights he has absolutely decimated his opponents and he’s been fighting top-ranked competition such as Rich Franklin, Dan Henderson, and Chris Leben.
Mexico: How could we have Mexico in the tournament and not choose a boxer?  I know that they placed two gold medalists in the Beijing Olympics in Tae Kwon Do, but this is the country that produced Julio Cesar Chavez and Ricardo Lopez.  For T. Hawk, we’re choosing Marco Antonio Barrera.  Despite being the best active Mexican boxer available and 4x world champion in three different weight classes, Barrera has considerable strikes against him.  First, he’s a traditional boxer which means he’s terribly susceptible to grappling and take downs.  Second, he’s 34 and in the twilight of his career, just ask Manny Pacquiao.  And third, he’s tiny at 5′ 6″ and 130 pounds.  But his overall record is still 70-6.
England: I was tempted to pick Michael Bisping, because he’s a more rounded fighter.  But I erred on the side of greatness and picked Joe Calzaghe, the undisputed super middleweight boxer from London.  He’s mixed Italian and Welsh, but he’s 100% British.  He’s light again for this list but actually bigger than most of the other competitors coming in at around 170 pounds.  He’s the longest reigning boxing champion in any weight class, having the WBO belt for more than 10 years.  His record is particularly stellar in one of the best divisions in boxing at 45-0, including Bernard Hopkins, Peter Manfredo, and The Contender winner Sakio Bika.  He’s next to fight the 97-year old Roy Jones Jr.
Spain: Yikes, yet another country in which the bottom of hte barrell needs to be scraped.  Why couldn’t it all be like Brazil?  Can I not use Sergio Garcia?  In true spirit of Vega who was armed with a steel claw, I’m presenting to you Olympic fencer Jose Luis Abajo.  He’s the bronze medalist at the Beijing Olympics and silver medalist at the 2006 World Championships.  I know, I know … fencing is not that cool, but there’s a pretty short list of Spanish martial artists and boxers that are still alive.
Thailand: You didn’t think I was going to pick Tony Jaa did you?  He’s awesome in his movies, but … he’s trained as a stuntman his entire life, not as a martial artist.  Also, why would I take a movie star when we’ve got the greatest country for combat martial arts to choose from including Muay Thai, Krabi Krabong, Hanuman Boxing, and Muay Boran.  We’re choosing Buakaw Por Pramuk as our entrant, though I strongly considered The Contender‘s Yodsanklai.  The only reason really that I’m choosing Buakaw is his record is stronger (216-19-12 vs. 227-66-4).  One has a 93% non-loss rate, the other a 78%.  Both of these guys are small, though, under 160 pounds each.
United States: The contribution of the United States is not in the heavy weight category in any type of martial arts, whether it be wrestling, boxing, or MMA.  Our heavy weight boxers are now playing linebacker and our big MMA guys are fat, losers … meet Tim Silvia, ladies and gentlemen!  There are plenty of exciting guys that are good, but not great such as Rashad Evans and Quinton Jackson.  So if we’re going to pick from a fairly even pool, we’ll gladly take Forrest Griffin.  This guy is a crazy sumbitch, frequently wading in with two heavy hands and a grin on his face.  Apparently, he left his defense in the locker room.  Whatever he’s doing, it’s working.  Forrest is 16-4 and the current Light Heavyweight champion in UFC.  Have you ever seen a bigger pair of ears on a homo sapien, though?

Hong Kong: In an obvious tribute to Bruce Lee, the Hong Kong participant was Fei Long.  So … in honor of that and lack of any good names that come up I’m choosing an up and comer from the long traditional of Hong Kong cinema of which both Jackie Chan and Jet Li are apart of, though they have fossilized since 2001.  This guy’s name is Wu Jing and he’s been in a smattering of pictures.  It’s tough to judge him against any of the big names of the past because the style of HK movies have changed dramatically.  For example, Fists of Fury as opposed to Shaolin Soccer.  I don’t think they take themselves that seriously anymore.  Shucks.

Jamaica: Firstly, I want to make it clear that Capoeira as practiced by Dee Jay is NOT Jamaican in any way, shape, or form.  It’s Brazilian.  In fact, there is no traditional of Jamaican martial arts.  This one is another tough selection.  I guess I could trot out the rotting corpse of Donovan Ruddock or poor man’s Sonny Liston, Trevor Burbick, but instead I’ll hop over Cuba to the Bahamas and take another island, now residing in Miami … Kimbo Slice.  Out of all of the selections in this tournament, Kimbo is the only guy I believe would actually agree to fight in an illegal tournament sponsored by Jolt Cola and Russian gangsters.  His street fighting prior to MMA is well documented on YouTube.  Since then he’s compiled a 3-0 record in the octagon training under Bas Rutten.  His next fight is with the mummified Ken Shamrock.

Crime Syndicate: This was the hardest one of all.  M. Bison is a stateless or expatriated crime lord that had supreme martial arts abilities.  Know of any of those walking around?  I’m sure there is someone in Asia that fits the criteria that is under 60 years old, but those people don’t advertise on Facebook.  So we’ll just leave this one to your imagination as the real M. Bison prepares for the grand finale.

That wraps up our tour of Street Fighter countries.  Here’s a quick list of countries that should be included based on the talent that’s out there today:

• Canada – George St. Pierre is probably third or fourth on the list of overall greatness for active MMA fighters with Fedor and Silva ahead of him.  He’s either just ahead of or behind BJ Penn.  The good news is that we’ll get to see this super freak figure it out with Penn in his next fight.  I guess it’d be in bad taste to mention Chris Benoit, eh?
• Brazil – always need more Brazilians, such as Wanderlei Silva, Mauricio Rua, Nogueira, Lyoto Machida, anyone with the last name Gracie.
• Holland – a great tradition of kickboxers with Hoost, Dekkers, and Rutten
• Australia – Nathan Corbett (43-2-1) is an animal.  Seriously.  At 190.lbs, he’s prime for this tournament.
• Belarus – Andrei Arlovski
• Croatia – Mirko Filipovic, old but still kinda good.
• Poland – just because I want to see Strongman legend Mariusz Pudzianowski beat some one up.  Remember, he’s a former pro boxer and a kyokushin kaikan fighter.

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