I’m Catholic and damn proud.  I grew up in the buckle of the Bible Belt, surrounded on all sides by holy roller Methodists and Baptists.  I was constantly asked if I was Christian by other kids in my school days.  I’d say, “I’m Catholic!”  And they’d respond with, “But are you Christian?”

Um … are you trying to confuse me?  These aren’t the droids you’re looking for.

So for those people, let me tell you why God likes us Catholics more than everyone else.

1. There are more of us than anyone else. That’s right, you’re completely surrounded and we’re pissed off.  We’re rounding up Ted Kennedy and Michael Corleone for the sacrament of ass kicking.  Out of world religions, Christianity is #1 with approximately 33% of the entire world population.  And of that number, we ROMAN Catholics comprise 1 billion.  Let’s say that again … ONE BILL-YUN.  That tips the scale at 15% of everyone.  Throw in our Eastern Orthodox brothers, another 200 million, and we’re China.  Just imagine … the Sacred Heart Olympics 2012.

By the way, coming in at the end of the pack is Jedi with 500,000 adherents.  No shit, people enter Jedi as their religion.  I’m sure that there is a Lucky family member or two in that group.

Can Dork be a religion, too?

I’d thought there’d be more Jews (0.23%).  Maybe Brother Mel Gibson should focus his drunken rage on the Chinese Universalists instead (6.27%), get a broader spread.

2. We have one guy in charge. This may sound mundane, like who cares.  But just for a second think if you’re God.  Everyday when You wake up You create the sunrise, high-five Jimmi Hendrix, and start checking Your Gmail for prayer requests.  Make sure You check your junk mail for the Church of Latter Day Saints.  Why do those always end up there?

Anyways, in these lists of prayer requests, you have to listen to each religious head and their nits.  Did you know that there are over 34,000 Christian denominations?  Half of those are in Oklahoma, I’m sure.

34,000?!?!  Imagine this conversation happening 34,000 times a day for God:

Dom Portwood: Hi, Peter. What’s happening? We need to talk about your TPS reports.
Peter Gibbons: Yeah. The coversheet. I know, I know. Uh, Bill talked to me about it.
Dom Portwood: Yeah. Did you get that memo?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah. I got the memo. And I understand the policy. And the problem is just that I forgot the one time. And I’ve already taken care of it so it’s not even really a problem anymore.
Dom Portwood: Ah! Yeah. It’s just we’re putting new cover sheets on all the TPS reports before they go out now. So if you could go ahead and try to remember to do that from now on, that’d be great. All right!

When God gets to the email labeled RE: Roman Catholic requests, I’m sure He takes a huge sigh of relief that He just knocked off ONE BILL-YUN humans from His daily checklist.

3. Just to be sure, we get back-up. When you’re asking for a big favor from someone it helps to get someone that they like and trust to help you ask for it, to vouch for you.  For example, you’ve got this hot chick that is your lab partner in Chemistry and she’s rearing to go for a Friday night date.  For your make out session, you need the family mini-van, but your dad’s still pissed about the dent you put in the back bumper when you got caught TPing your English teacher’s house.  What to do?

Get mom on your side.  A nice dinner, maybe a little parental romance, and … presto … the keys are in your hand along with the purty pink panties of Mary Jane Rottencrotch.

Yep, we’ve included this into catechism.  Signed, sealed, and delivered.  Protestants have balding, middle aged men called Prayer Warriors, we’ve got Intercession from the Saints.  You know the guys that God already likes … and took straight into Heaven?  Who do I want helping me to cure my uncle’s anal fissures – Doug the Plumber and resident prayer warrior?  Or God’s homeboy, St. Francis of Assisi?

4. We’ve been around since it all started. We’ve got history on our side, baby.  Protestants like to claim the early church fathers up to about 300 AD and then miraculously Christendom is mute and deaf until the arrival of that traitor, Martin Luther, in 1517.  And then its an ala carte of Christian philosophers that best tailor your flavor of the day religion.

OK, so the Catholic Church was selling indulgences.  OK, so the Pope was hording a huge pile of gold and jewels.  OK, so the Borgia crime family ruled the papacy through intimidation, murder, and corruption.  Um … I kinda lost my point here.

Our American President is hardly conversant in English.  Our VP shot one of his drunk idiot buddies in the face and then hid until he was sober AND forced to talk about it.  We condone and perform torture in Cuba of all places.  Our country is facing a huge financial crisis and recession.  Cats and dogs living together, mass hysteria.  I KNOW!  Let’s complain about how terrible everything is and start a NEW country!  We’ll call it Whinerism.

5. Vatican City should be called Vatican Nation: Who else can boast their own private country?  Hmm?  Does Dr. Doom have his own world religion?  Sure its the smallest nation in the world by population and area, but we’ve got the largest collection of funny hats and sequin stoles imaginable.  And anyone that has read Dan Brown knows that there are secret vaults within the Vatican Library that confirm the identity of the Anti-Christ (Amy Weinhaus) and the End of Days (February 14th, 2016 … Valentine’s Day.  Bummer.).

Vatican City has been in one form or another since about the fourth century.  At its more impressive, His Popeness ruled most of Italy until the founding of the Kingdom of Italy.  The Vatican City as we know and love it today was officially created in 1927.  Some other statistics to consider:

• Lowest crime rate in the world
• Richest nation per capita in the world
• Most people going to Heaven per capita in the world
• Guild of Opus Dei albino assassins

6. Pope Benedict is the good, twin brother of Emperor Palpatine. And I don’t mean the John McCain version of Palpatine, I mean the real deal.  They are like Mary-Kate and Ashley.  One side joined the priesthood, the other fell to the Dark Side.  It’s actually a little creepy.

Check this out if you need more evidence:

7. Our priests drink. This was inevitable when you consider how many of the Irish entered the clergy.  It was either let the priests take a wee pint o’ whiskey or start ordaining women.  Clearly, alcohol is less evil than ovaries.  I’ve never had the opportunity to go to a proper wake, but I’m freaking excited should the offer ever be extended.  I’m showing up in my double-sided beer helmet with my Bible, ready to party.

Here’s a joke that’s only partially related, but its in honor of my Irish buddy, Lil Dirty (aka Glock).  What’s the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?  One less drunk at the party.  Woo hoo!!!

Yeah, alcohol is not seen as the Great Evil as it is in Protestant religions.  After all, in John 2:1-11 Jesus turned water into wine to keep the kegger raging.  In fact, he didn’t just create the bare minimum Natural Light or Pabst Blue Ribbon, he created Shiner Bock, Rolling Rock, and Sapporo all rolled into one.

We don’t believe that alcohol is evil.  We believe that people are sinful.  Too much of anything is bad for you.  Like the Internet.  Chinese kids have died from too much Internet surfing.  We must never touch the Internet again … wait til you read the rest of this article and then call it quits for good.

So bottoms up, Father.

8. Our girls put out: I’m sure that everyone has heard of or maybe even seen Internet porn related to this concept of the naughty Catholic school girls and their cute outfits.  In an attempt to keep this article PG-13, I won’t go into a lot of details.

But … I found a great joke that I’m posting here in this theme:

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.  St. Peter asks the first girl, “Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?” She giggles and shyly replies, “Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.”  St. Peter says, “OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate.”

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, “Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?”  The girl is a little reluctant but replies, “Well once I fondled and stroked one.”  St. Peter says, “OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate.”

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.  When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, “Lisa! What seems to be the rush?”  The girl replies, “If I’m going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her ass in it.”

God bless us, God bless us everyone.

9. Our biggest Catholic Country is cooler than yours. The biggest Catholic nation is Brazil, dominated with 141 million stark, raving Catholics.  That means that our king country is better at fighting (Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu) and partying (Carnivale) with more hot chicks per capita than anywhere else in the world.  Which brings me to my next point …

10. If the world religions held a soccer match, the Catholics would win 11-0. If there was a run rule in international soccer, it’d be used.  But there isn’t, just ask American Samoa (0-31 vs. Australia).  Here’s who we’ve got: Brazil (74% Catholic), Italy (88%), and Argentina (90%).  If you’re doing the math and I have … that’s 11 World Cup titles or 61% of the time the Jules Rimet Trophy is going home with the Pope.

In case you’re thinking about baseball … we’ve got the Cubans, Dominicans, Mexico, Nicaragua, Panama, Puerto Rico, Venezuela, Columbia, and more.  Add up all the dominantly Catholic baseball countries and we’ve got 190 players, not including the second generation that grew up in the states, such as A-Rod.  Did you know know Derek Jeter is Catholic, too?

Football?  We’ve got Tom Brady!  We’ve got Tom Brady!

If you want to find a different sport to fit your religion … Protestants dominate NASCAR, Hindus dominate cricket (not really, Aussie Aussie Aussie!!!), Buddhists dominate table tennis, and Sunnis dominate buzkashi.

On a side note – can we get Pele incardinated?  Who do I need to talk to on getting this done?

11. We believe in Exorcism. When it comes to Satan, Azazel, and Linda Blair, we don’t mess around.  We’re superstitious and jumpy.  I need an old priest and a young priest.  When your sister is spitting blood, spinning her head around on an acid trip, and cursing like a trucker in the infernal tongue, do you really feel confident going to your Methodist preacher to ask him to do battle with the Prince of Darkness?  Nope, you want the Gotti boys of Demon Fighting dressed in their cassocks, crucifixes, and stoles armed with holy water and the Rite of Exorcism.

12. We started terrorism. Oops!  Maybe I shouldn’t have mentioned this one.  OK, it was us.  Our guy, Pope Urban II, launched Europe into a series of several pitched wars against the infidel from the desert for the sole reason that they … were infidels … from the desert.  You’d think with this sound logic and reason to fight, we’d have won more often.

Apparently, the progeny of Saladin haven’t forgotten about it … ever.  It’s still a sticking point and one that has earned us the moniker Great Satan.  Don’t they know that the United States wasn’t even created yet?  Or was that because of the whole Israel-Palestine thing?  I get confused.

13. We’re just as funny as Jewish and Black People. This is a big statement, I know, especially considering the Jews have Seinfeld, Billy Crystal, Larry David, Rodney Dangerfield, Jon Stewart, and more while black people have Richard Pryor, Dave Chapelle, Eddie Murphy, Martin Lawrence, Bernie Mac, etc.  But here’s our roster of comedic all-stars:

• Jim Carrey
• Dan Aykroyd
• Steve Carrell
• Stephen Colbert
• Dane Cook
• Danny DeVito
• John/Joan Cusack
• Kevin Federline (he’s hysterical!)
• Chris Farley
• Bob Hope
• Bill Murray
• Matt Damon
• Owen Wilson (that Hansel’s so hot right now)
• Vince Vaughn
• George Carlin
• Whoopi Goldberg (we count half Caths, too)

I think its clear.  God loves Him some Catholics.  And we love being Catholic.  What other religion could you go to church only twice a year and still be a good person?