It’s an often joked about concept, but one that every red-blooded male secretly holds in his heart.  The Man Crush.  Its a combination of ravenous jealousy mixed in with diligent worship and desperate emulation.  For the last nine years, my Man Crush was clearly and solely focused on William Bradley Pitt.  My growing fixation started with Se7en (1995), but was firmly cemented with Fight Club (1999) and Snatch (2000).  But its 2008 and I’ve just turned 32 years old.

It’s time that I said it:  Brad, I’m dumping you.

Let me first say, it’s not you, it’s me.

The Oceans franchise has been very entertaining and I’m really looking forward to the Tarantino flick Inglorious Bastards (2009).  You’ve done some unconventional typecast-breaking roles and some indie films that were appreciated, such as The Assassination of Jesse James (2007).  Also, big props for being born in Oklahoma, but not as much for immediately moving to Missouri or joining the rival maffia fraternity, the Sigmachi’s. It’s also cool that you’re tight with George Clooney and the other golden boys.

But we’re in different places right now and I just need something else that you’re unable to give me anymore. I have to admit that I fell into Team Aniston during the big breakup for a couple of reasons.  First, I think Jen is hotter despite that fact that she is six years older and nearly forty.  Notice how I call her “Jen” like I’m a Hollywide Insider?  There is something about Angelina’s lips that creep me out.  My wife, inexplicably, sided with Jolie.  Also related to this, Brad, is that ever since you started with Jolie your celebrity weirdness has really grown.  How many kids do you have now?  I think you’re rivalling Sean Kemp.

Second, despite a few goods movies, there have been some not good ones.  Troy?  Really?  My wife appreciated the gratuitous ass scene, I can assure you, but this is my Man Crush and not hers.  Didn’t really go for Babel (2006) either.  Maybe a better name for this movie would have been “A Series of Unrelated Events that Makes Me Actually Start Seeing How Far I Can Flick My Finger Nails Across a Darkened Movie Theater.”  With all of that being said, I think its time to move on.  See other people.  Do different things.

I’d like to still be friends, though.

With Brad now out of my life, my void at Man Crush is ready to be filled.  I’ve got some sports-related flings that are blossoming with Adrian Peterson of the Minnesota Vikings, the only professional athlete that I would nominate as surrogate father for my next child, or Steven Gerrard of Liverpool FC (aka Captain Fantastic).  BTW, his wife is h-o-t, HOT HOT HOT!!!

For my vote, she easily displaces aneroxic Posh in the best member of the WAG (wives & girlfriends) of the English national team.  Also, Andy Roddick is on there, but until he wins another Slam it’s hard to put him past drunken one-nighter.  But … no sports figure can fully be my true Man Crush.  There just aren’t enough opportunities for athletes to fire machine guns, do martial arts, and deliver quotable one-liners.

So I’ve done my best to compile a short list of candidates that I can devote myself to with a wall poster, Trapper Keeper, and jean jacket with back steam press.  Let’s meet the nominees:

Matt Damon: Right off the bat, Matthew Paige gets a big bonus because he’s born one day after mine (today in fact).  He’s married to a non-US born person, one Luciana Barroso (an Argentine), as I am (Vietnamese-Australian).  Plus, he’s been in a lot of badass movies, including the Ocean francise with Bradley, the Bourne movies, The Departed (2006), and Syriana (2005).  I like the fact that he’s got a close bunch of friends, such as Kevin Smith and Jimmy Kimmel.

He doesn’t take himself too seriously, I’d like to think he’s Catholic as he is from one of our North American strongholds in Massachusetts, and he’d be a perfect actor to play the lead in the Life of Tom Brady.  Here’s where it gets dicey.  Matt Damon’s closest friend is bottled puke.  Ben Affleck.  I hate this clown more than I hate AIDS.  This has to factor in my Man Crush.

One more good point about Damon.  Check out this interview on Sarah Palin:

In particular this quote: “I need to know if she really thinks dinosaurs were here 4,000 years ago.  Because she’s gonna have the nuclear codes”.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone so eviscerated in 1:42 from completely extemporaneous speaking.

Luke Wilson: You knew that someone from the Frat Pack would make it into the my list.  It couldn’t be Vince Vaughn, he walks around like the day after a hard night of drinking in a cheap country western bar ALL THE TIME.  I know, I was on the same plane with him from LA to Vegas one time.  He looked like Nick Nolte’s younger, fatter brother.

It can’t be Owen Wilson – combination jacked-up nose and desperate suicide attempt over floozy Kate Hudson.  It can’t be Ben Stiller.  I feel like Jews and Catholics could be dedicated sibling rivals, like Miami and Florida in college football.  We had our initial salvos with Mel Gibson, now we just need Jerry Seinfeld to make some really nasty pope comments and its on.  I think it would be good for both sides.  And Will Ferrell is simply a fat, hairy guy … really funny, but not Man Crush material.

So that leaves Luke Cunningham Wilson.  He’s funny, but in an understated Wes Anderson sort of way, which sometimes works for me (The Darjeeling Limited) and sometimes doesn’t (The Royal Tenenbaums).  Old School was a seminal movie for the 00s, just like Animal House.  I also like the fact that the Frat Pack does shameless cameos in each other’s movies such as Ron Burgundy.  AND he’s Catholic!

Here’s my problem with him, I don’t trust his judgment on movies.  I don’t want to have to apologize a lot for my Man Crush being in shit films … such as Idiocracy (2006) or Blonde Ambition (2007) or My Super Ex-Girlfriend (2007).  I just get the feeling that either his star isn’t bright enough … or more likely that he’s mailing it on some of these movies just for a paycheck.  And I’ve seen some interviews where he seems completely stoned out of his mind.

Ryan Reynolds: Another October birthday and he was even born in the same year as I was.  Not hugely crucial, but its good that he’s young.  He’s married to Scarlett Johansson.  Very nice.  He’s funny, he’s ripped and he’s queued up to play Deadpool in the next Wolverine movie.  He’s had some good movies in there, but nothing I would call great.  Certainly, nothing on the scale of Luke Cunningham or Matthew Paige above.  I don’t think he’s had his ultra-star breakthrough yet.

Ok, now for some downers.  First, he’s Canadian.  That’s not really a strike against you, but I’d prefer my Man Crush to not have to wrestle polar bears and drink Molson.  Also, he dated Alanis Morissette for a really, really long time.  Even going so far as to get engaged in 2004.  She strikes me as the type of girl to not shave her legs or her pitters.  I had my own daliance with the non-hygenic girlfriend (different area … I’m not writing about and you should thank me) early in college and I don’t want to go back.

The other thing is that he’s a Green Bay Packers fan.  Eeeh.  I went to school at Marquette for a year, which is in Milwaukee or milee-wah-kay “the good land”, and I got real sick of cheeseheads real quick.  Plus, I hate the accent.  Watch Fargo, you’ll understand.

That’s my top three.  I don’t feel super compelled on any of them.  I’m conflicted.

I also considered Shia Lebeouf (too young.  Also read this article), Barack Obama (I’m setting myself up to get hurt again by falling for a politician), Jack Black (too fat and kinda strange), Christian Bale (firstly, he’s Welsh and secondly, he’s just not my type), Leo DiCaprio (hehe … ok, not really), Johnny Depp (too indie), and Jason Statham (did he ever make another movie after Snatch?  Really?).

Any suggestions?