Things are a bit different in Australia.  Maybe its too much sun, too little ozone, too much salt water, too much beer … whatever it is things are different.  For instance, we have rednecks, they have boguns.  We have Al Capone, they have Chopper Read (pictured).  We have a Puritanical Founders.  They were founded by the chorus line from Cell Block D.  We drink too much beer, they … well, somethings are the same.

With the drought of original ideas and stories coming out of Hollywood, Bollywood, and Asian porn, you’d be surprised to find that a great deal of movies released into Australia from the States have their names changed.  As if this quick smoke-n-mirrors changeroo will actually change the box office totals.  Or maybe its because they fear that Australians, who have 23.5 hours of solid Law & Order reruns on public television and this crazy new invention called the Internet, won’t catch the subtle Americanish references.  For instance, should they have renamed Shaft (2000) to One Bad Mother-Rooter?

Here then are some movies that were inexplicably released under different titles Down Under and my guesses as to why.

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Mission in Action 2: The Beginning (1985)

Another glorious Chuck Norris epic.  Better than Delta Force, but short of Invasion USA.  It’s a prequal.  I’m actually waiting for one of the genius scriptwriters to come up with the idea of a juxqual, it doesn’t happen after the first movie or before, but at the exact same time in a parallel dimension.

The premise is very straight-forward.  Tyrannical, imperialist U.S. soldiers are being held by the people’s liberators and are being gently guided into confessing their crimes against the Northern Vietnamese people by the benevolent leader, Colonel Yin.  Or something close to that, I forget.

They even have a traitorous black guy, Nester, that sells out to the Vietcong in order to get nice Hanoi accomodations and help torture his former squad members (Uncle Tuan?).  This is the same actor that played the highway patrolman in Blues Brothers.  I wonder if he’s famous for any roles in which he is not a jerk off?

So … Missing in Action 2.  The Aussies called it Battlerage!  Why?  The first MIA movie was released and so was the third.  I can only imagine that some 12-year old kid with a man crush on Chuck Norris is desperately searching for that missing middle installment of his beloved MIA franchise.  Did the ad wizards think that the prequal concept would confuse the audience?  Or maybe the idea of a bunch of tortured, Vietnam vets going into murderous post traumatic stress would be more entertaining.

I have no idea.

As a random side note, Chuckie, another product of Oklahoma, did have a notable contribution to the black-white buddy film with Firewalker (1986).  I’m fairly certain that it had nothing to do with Chuck and everything to do with his roundhouse kicks to the skull and Louis Gossett, Jr.  I don’t know what it is but I could watch LGJ’s beautiful, bald head all day long.  How has he not been cast as Destro yet?

13 Going on 30 (2005)

This was a knee slapper.  I can still remember how hard I laughed throughout this entire film with its crazy ensemble of vivid characterizations and wild twists in the plot.  If you’re picking up my sarcasm, I’m laying i on pretty thick.

Basically, its Big with boobies and less jokes.  I can’t think of a better way to describe it.  Can we all agree that Jennifer Garner was a made for TV actress that cashed in her last check of coolness when she married Ben Affleck?  Exhibit 1. Elektra.  Did I mention that I wanted to puke when I saw the Thriller dance number?

The merits of this movie aside this movie was released as Suddenly 30 in Australia.  Suddenly 30?  Oh, I get it!  The main actress is “suddenly 30!”  Genius!  Well, that certainly makes the plot 15x easier to understand.  It’s as if they felt that the blokes over here wouldn’t catch the implication in the first title.

And if that is true, then why stop there?  Why not rename Jaws as Large Shark That Eats People.  Or the movie Armageddon more appropriately named as Big Stone Hurtles Towards Earth.  The Crying Game? How about Bloke’s Got A Wanker.

Lucky Number Slevin (2006)

Another flat performance by Josh Harrnett in a pseudo-admirable script.  A surprising appearance by two heavy weight actors looking for a cheap pay day (Morgan Freeman, Sir Ben Kingsley).  And Bruce Willis.  I really love the new phase of his career where he plays loveable scumbag losers, Die Hard 3, 16 Blocks, Grindhouse, Sin City, Hostage, etc.  It’s like he knows that he’s old, perhaps a little grizzled/crusty, and has decided to run with it.  Now if only someone could work with Nick Nolte to start acting how he looks.

This one is named The Wrong Man in Australia, which sounds like a cheap Robert Wagner Sunday night movie.  Charles Bronson co-starring.  I’m not sure why they changed it.  It’s not like Lucky # Slevin had any bearing on American pop culture.  It was the name of the horse at the racetrack, nothing more.  An odd coincidence in a carefully orchestrated plot of revenge.  Watch the movie you’ll understand.

And I can’t give points for creativity either.  The poster has clearly the tagline, Wrong Day.  Wrong Time.  Wrong Number.  Thus, we’ll call the movie The Wrong Man. I believe the name change also takes a little bit of the mystery/twist ending out of the film in exchange for a blandly bang-bang, shoot em up alternative.

The Rundown (2005)

This movie stars The Rock (aka Dwayne Johnson … I can see why he goes by the Rock instead) and Seann William Scott.  Apparently, his parents thought that Sean wasn’t good enough, the single N would hold him back from his dreams and potential.  Best to add another N for Seann.  Weird.  Call me Lucky Robb.

It’s a buddy movie were they trek through the Amazon.  The Rock is a bounty hunter and Scott is his target.  Dare I say manhunter?  On the reverse, Stiffler is the wise cracking, troublesome archaeologist.

The Rock is a big guy that beats people up.  Insert extras.  I will say that there is a surprising cameo appearance from one of my favorite little ass kicking kung fu gods – Ernie Reyes Jr.  Remember him?  He was the cute kid with the bowl cut in The Last Dragon and Red Sonja.  But as a boxing fan, the exchange between Dwa … The Rock … and Reyes, in which they examined the fantasy match-up between Ali and Tyson was woefully underthought and poorly delivered.  It’s like saying in Jurassic Fight Club, “the T-Rex will clearly beat the Megaladon, because the Meg cannot walk on land.”  Gee, thanks Cossel.

This movie is called Welcome to the Jungle in Australia.  I can’t tell you how lame I feel this change in title is.  I almost feel like they got the movie mixed up with a Guns-n-Roses reunion tour instead.  I guess this name was inspired by the attack of ear humping, spermicidal monkeys.  Going with the theme above, they could have called Former Wrestler Makes B Movie.

Another reason I wanted to point this out – did you know that the working title (even in the USA) before it was released was Helldorado?  EEH!  What movie do you envision when you hear Helldorado?  I think you could safely append the word Leprechaun to the front of it.  Something like, “Spring Break was never so terrifying, it’s Leprechaun VII: HELLDORADO!  Coming this summer to Blockbusters everywhere!”

Last one, I promise …

The Boys Next Door (1985)

Here’s the tagline for this movie: Young.  Handsome.  Desirable.  Deadly.

Hmm.  I didn’t realize that “Carlos” Sheen was making pornos with other boys.  I’ll bet that Rob Lowe makes an appearance.  By show of hands how many people have ever heard of this movie?  Of those people (and I don’t believe anyone that raised their hands in the first place), how many liked this movie?  OK, my point has been proved.

This movie is about spree killers, joy killers, etc.  I’d be able to tell you more about it, but I would have to saw off my own hand using the Rolling Ruler had I endured watching it.

I bring this movie because the arsenic wit of the Aussies has come through in how this movie was released.  The movie was renamed No Apparent Motive upon its release Down Under.

Perfect!  Succinct!  I can’t think of a better sumation as to why this movie was even made in the first place.  No Apparent Motive.  Do you think that the Aussies ever get pissed that the Direct to DVD stinkers actually get released in the theaters over here?  It’s like Australia has become the repository for the world’s shittiest movies, just like China where any movie with guilos acting in it will suffice.

You’d think that their standards would be higher with all of the movies being made over here and in New Zealand.  They’ve got Hugh Jackman, Hugo Weaving, Mel Gibson (sorta), Russell Crowe (sorta), Nicole Kidman (sorta), and Eric Bana.  Personally I can’t wait for Tom Williams (see below) to make the crossover to the States.  He can star in the upcoming GI Joe movie, which will be released back here as Blokes With Guns.