Barack Obama.

Half black / half white.  Unity.  One America.  One people.

What?  Oh, I’m sorry I didn’t get the memo from Fox News.  Barack H. Obama is now officially 100% black, which I guess explains why Colin Powell (also black) endorsed him prior to the election.  So if it wasn’t for the blacks and the Jews … and the Hispanics … and women and people under 30, Obama would never have been elected president.

Here then is my open letter to the soon-to-be POTUS.  Mr. President, Here I Am.  Please please please let me roll with your Presidential Posse!

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Mr. Obama,

It was a historical election in several regards.  Twenty one months of campaigning and $5.3 billion in advertising and cheap lawn signs marks it as the longest and most expensive campaign ever.  In addition, there was the first female presidential candidate, but ultimate she was unsuccessful.  Better luck next time, Christopher Dodd.  In addition, Wasila’s finest and first dude burst onto the scene.  My prediction is that Palin is set for a Hustler cover spread in the next 16 months to finish the flameout on her 15 minutes.

Political analysts are asking what will this historic election mean for the country – other than China asking for two additional forms of identification the next time the USA tries to borrow money and the national debt being borrowed in the name of Sasha Obama.  But whatever the ramifications, I’m ready to throw my hat in the ring and join your entourage.  Consider me a smarter, less mouthy Turtle.

Some cabinet positions that I’d be perfect for:

• Ambassador to FIFA
• Airforce-1 MC
• Guantanamo Bay Detention Camp Activities Director
• White House Wigga
• United Nations L33t Speak Translator

Before you make a decision let me first tell you how supremely qualified I am.  First, I have a degree in History, albeit classical and medieval European from THE Oklahoma State University.  Well, if you judge the completeness of your degree on class attendence, then I’ve really got a 10% History degree and a 90% Budweiser Black Belt.  It’s not my fault that classes are scheduled before 1pm.

Second, you love the Internet.  You built the most successful political organization and volunteer infrastructure on the information super highway.  You collected millions upon millions of dollars by reaching out directly to Joe the Plumber Argyle the Limo Driver for $20 and $50 donations.  In Pennsylvania alone, your team knocked on 1 million doors on pre-election day Monday.

I love the Internet.  I download borrow movies and D&D supplements.  I write on a blog that is read by thousands dozens of readers each week.  I was an online marketing strategist finding the best methods of tricking grandma and grandpa to accidentally install spyware and adware onto their machine to serve them an endless supply of unsolicited Cialis banner ads.  We’re kindred spirits.

I’ll pretty much do anything to join your team.  I’ll mow the white house yard.  I’ll be the the guy that cleans up when the new puppy takes a Donald Rumsfeld on the carpet.  I’ll be the the Palin Campaign Expense IRS auditor for 2012.  I’ll even TiVo Friends reruns.  OK, just kidding.  Here are some other positions that you should consider for my candidacy:

• White House Hot Chick Frisker
• Mixed Martial Arts Federal Commissioner
• Amazing Ball Whacker Guy
• BET Press Secretary

The War on Terror is still a vital part of the defense of national security.  The Middle East is rife with Muslim extremists and Al-Qaeda.  I’ve got connections with Wu-Tang, allow me to be Beardface Killah.  Most of my years on this planet were formed with snarky comments and pointed insults.  How would I not be perfect for the sit-downs with Vlad Pootin’ and the Rhythm Nation?

To further round of my qualifications, here is a bulleted list of other skills that I know you’ll find extremely useful in the governance and leadership of the free world.

• The ability to burp complete lines from the Exorcist.  “Karras!”
• Endless euphemisms for male or female genitalia
• Typing speed of 300+ words per minute
• The ability to perform a perfect soccer rainbow at least 1 out of 4 attempts
• The ability to speak 3 or more words in 17 different languages
• Complete domination in Japanese Ichi (beer chugging)
• Encyclopedic knowledge of 1980s slasher/gore films
• Perfect immitation of Big Boss from the cartoon Cops
• The ability to sleep anywhere at anytime
• Beer foam projectile vomiting
• I’m the #1 ranked website for Hang Gliding Monkey

If you did bring me onboard, be confident that I come with as a well spring of tri-partisan thinking and a ton of ideas.  That’s really my forte, you see I’m the Tina Fey of anonymous bloggers.  I’m half-sassy, half-smart and a whole lotta sexy.  Just to give you a taste of my agenda for the first term:

• The Chicago Bulls would be renamed the Chicago Bad-Ass Motherfuckers
• The Secretary of State would be appointed to Samuel L. Jackson
• The inauguration would be hosted by Dave Chapelle
• Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe would finally “chill the fuck out”
• Condileeza Rice & Clarence Thomas would be black again
• Sarah Palin would be on exhibit at the NYC Metropolitan Zoo where curious onlookers could feed her raw meat for a quarter
• James Earl Jones would be appointed the Press Secretary
• Mayonnaise would have a special 500% increase on sales tax
• The presidential limo would have rims and hydraulics
• The hurricane season will include tropical storms Tamika, Jaqui, and Lamar
• The new general in charge of Iraqi Freedom would be Hollywood Cole
• The National Anthem would be reimagined by Earth, Wind, & Fire
• Presidential security managed by the Wayans

As my last point for your consideration, I recently dumped Brad Pitt as my man crush.  I am willing to push you to the top of the list.  Don’t make a decision right away (unless its yes) … give it a little while to sink in.  I’ve great with Aussies.  They’ve only asked me to leave their country three times, which is less than former PM John Howard.  Just remember: Yes, I can.

Kind Regards,

Lucky

P.S.  I’ve been thinking of ways to make the next election more exciting.  I think this culminates in the conventions when the primaries, i.e. dry humping, are finally over.  Here is a short list of items for each party:

Republicans

• Michael Moore to be sacrificed by Mula-Ram
• Sarah Palin and Cindy McCain swimsuit and evening gown competition
• Abu Ghraib the Musical
• Barbara Bush issues impromptu Strong Man challenge in parking lot
• Anne Coulter found in drunken lesbian three way with Condileeza Rice & Mary Cheney

Democrats

• The unveiling of Hillary Clinton’s satanic birthmark
• Proposal of winnable war with Narnia
• White House to be redesigned by Nate Berkus
• Joe Biden mask removed to reveal Colin Powell
• Celebrity meteoroligical service forecaster: Bill Ayers

P.S.S.  This whole column has got me thinking.  What would have happened had Jackie Mac, Insane in the McCain Brain, had actually become President.  I leave you with this:

• The movie Apocalypse Now would be shown before each State of the Union Address.
• Benefits for senior citizens over 150 years of age would increase 3000%.
• A rocking chair would be added to the White House front porch for daily nap-time.
• The presidential wardrobe would include stretchy waistbands that pull up to the arm pits.
• He would appoint as Secretary of the Interior his brother, Skeletor
• Sarah Palin would be on exhibit at the NYC Metropolitan Zoo where curious onlookers could feed her raw meat for a quarter
• Vietnam would be conquered and added as the 51st U.S. state
• His personal assistant would help remind him to give speeches with his dentures in
• A new series of disturbing the peace laws targeting juveniles would be unleashed, titled “God damned young people these days!” judicial reforms
• The Marine One presidential helicopter would be wheel chair accessible
• During trade negotations, foreign diplomats will hold a mirror under his nose to see if he’s still breathing
• McCain dedicates national memorial to his young friend that passed early, George Burns
• Night restraints would be used to prevent his violent Hanoi flashbacks
• His adult diaper would be declared a national disaster area
• He’d challenge Vlad Putin to a match of stand-up, Irish fist-o-cuffs

Peace.