Its fast approaching the holiday season and what says a festive Thanksgiving and Christmas more than marshmallows and gingerbread?  Add in a batch of spiked egg nog and I’m ready to sing Grandma Got Runover By A Reindeer until I’m so hoarse that I sound like Kathleen Turner after her willy was chopped off.  In our latest version of match-up, I’m going take these two iconic goodies and put them into Ludicrous Speed, Supersize Them, and slap them on the jumbotron.  We’re American and if there is anything worth doing, its worth doing BIG.

So … I’m proud to unveil the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man vs. Mongo the Gingerbread Giant.  Booyah, bitches.

Quick Note: Normally, the Internet – so friendly and welcoming – was a fickle mistress in giving up her bounty for this article.  Firstly, there are approximately 355 idiots out there that are convinced that one combatant is actually named the State Puff Marshmallow Man.  Do they not see the words clearly written on his cap?  Secondly, apparently no one can spell marshmallow.  It’s not marshmellow.  Third, why does no one have a fan site for the great (late) Mongo?  Plenty of people love Gingy, but no one loves his gargantuan, coffee-addicted, retarded little brother?

I probably spent more time on this picture than the actual article itself.  I’m also going to tell you that spending so much time mining for images has colored my opinion on who should win this little contest.  I hope you appreciate all my work, but I wouldn’t want to digress.

It Just Popped In There. Back in Sumerian times, Gozer the Destrutor, Gozer the Gozarian was worshipped by essentially a antiquity Doomsday Cult.  Let me first mention that Sumer and Babylon were some ass-shitty times to be alive.  The weather systems apparenlty had not stabilized like we were used to before Global Warming kicked up a hornet’s nest.  There was so little understanding of the natural world and science that man lived in constant hear of titanic hurricanes, bleaching drought, and earthquakes.

To make matters worse, the Geneva Convention was still 10,000 years away.  Conquering generals would flay the flesh off the bodies of their victims and then carry them to the next city-state for conquering and post them on a great obelisk to create fear and panic.  I’m guessing that it worked, worked well.

So for whatever reason, Gozer did not like the world and desired to destroy it.  This is actually quite common among the pantheon of Babylon and Sumer, i.e. the legendary Tiamat.  Gozer wanted to kill everything.  Hence the name the Destructor, though in ancient Sumerian I believe its actually written RUMS-FELD.

When Gozer reappeared as the lithe and spritly Slavitza Jovan at the top of the Dana Barrett’s apartment building, she/he/it was confronted by the Ghostbusters (Drs. Peter Venkman, Ray Stantz, & Egon Spengler, and new addition Winston Zeddemore).  In their confrontation, Gozer challenged her/his/its attackers to choose the form of the Traveler.  The Traveler will be the tool in which Gozer uses to destroy the world.

Instead of appearing as one of the pre-chosen forms, such as a large and moving Torb or a Giant Sloar, Traveler took a new form.  Well, he appeared as a giant marshmallow man, rampaging through downtown New York like a Mitchelin Man-King Kong combo meal. The form was chosen by Dr. Ray Stantz when he tried to think of something harmless and innocent from his youth.  It’s the Stay Puft Marshamallow Man.

We’ll there’s something you don’t see everyday.

As the demonic juggernaut for Gozer, Mr. Stay Puft is cruel, vicious, and largely indestructible.  His fat, boisterous face formed into a natural smile is twisted and convorted into endless rage and villainous mockery.  He’s incredibly strong, thickly built, and makes great smores.  I’d have to say that his full range of powers, other than his super-size and strength, was unexplored.  The Ghostbusters did try to roast him with their nucleur-powered proton packs, which he absorbed and then sent back up the side of the building in a fiery backlash.

According to Ray Stantz, as well as movie insiders, Mr. Stay Puft measured in at 100ft tall and weighed probably as much as a battleship.  He easily crushed cars and buses, stepped on a church, and punched through buildings.  The Traveler was only destroyed when the Ghostbusters crossed the stream in front of the planar gate that housed the entrance into Gozar’s quasi-dimensional rift.  The resulting backlash covered the entire city block with scrumptious gobs of melted marshmallow, but still very, very evil.

It’s Alive! Times were sad and dreary in Far Far Away.  Prince Charming was pretending to be Shrek in order to steal the hand of the ogrish Fiona.  Shrek and his comrades were trapped outside of the castle and had only hours to rescue Fiona or she would be forever ensorceled with a love potion to the tool-shed Charming.

They were up Chocolate Creek without a Popsickle.

So they did the only thing that they could do, they paid a visit to the Muffin Man, the Muffin Man who lives on Drury Lane.  He’s the same guy that created Gingy.  Together with a whole lot of flour, they cooked up, baked up, and frosted Mongo the Gingerbread Giant, little brother to Gingy.  He’s big, strong, and uses the generic Godzilla roar from the old Japanese destruction movies.

With the over commercialism of American movies (thank you Star Wars), we’re able to recreate this scene by using a variety of officially licensed Shrek 2 toys, manufactured by child labor in Singapore.

One of the big drawbacks to Mongo is that he is incredibly stupid.  I’d have to say that Sloth from the Goonies is a Mensa member compared to Mongo.  During their assault on the palace, the Cookie Giant gets distracted and tears a building ornament from Farbucks Coffee that looks like a paper cup and tries to drink it.  As you’ll see later, if there WERE a hot beverage in said container, it probably would have killed him by melting his face like Major Toht from the Lost Ark.

Riding on Mongo’s shoulder, Shrek and Gingy besiege the front gates of the castle using molten marshmallow buttons as napalm.  Even though they are able to traverse the gates, Mongo is quickly defeated when hot milk is poured on his arms, leaving him a large sticky mess slowly sinking into the moat like Son of Kong.  His last words “Livin’ the Vida Loca!”

Shrek (in human form) and Gingy were able to ride on Mongo’s shoulder as he rampaged through the city.  With a size comparison to the surrounding characters and buildings, I’m going to estimate the Mongo is 50ft to 60ft tall.  While he is extremely strong, Mongo is very thin.

The Results: This battle is unfolding in downtown London at the Cadbury Confectionary headquarters, the largest distributor/producer of candies in the world.  To sweeten the deal (get it … sweeten), the loser will be eaten by Homer Simpson and Rush Limbaugh.

The two battlers start at either end of the avenue ready to charge like raging, candied bulls.  Mongo lets loose his faux-Godzilla roar as he beats his marshmallow buttoned chest.  On the other end, Mr. Stay Puft digs his fat, oversized pillow feet into the asphalt.  As they prepare to wage war, their respective side kicks are cheering on the sidelines – Gingy the Gingerbread Man for Mongo and Wade Phillips for Mr. Stay Puft.

The war begins as they break into full charges (+2 attack, -2 AC).  The blob of white dough collides with the crusty cookie construct.  Before we talk about what happens let me make a few points.

1. Size: I mentioned before that the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man is 100ft tall, while Mongo is 60ft tall.  SP is a big fat blob and Mongo is skinny.  Here’s a relative size comparison.  I labeled them because I thought it was too difficult to tell which was which by their body shape.

2. Powers: Both are large and receive the appropriate benefits for such a trait, including resiliency to human-sized weapons, super strength, etc.  Because Stay Puft is larger than Mongo in every dimension, I’m going to give him the considerable nod in all of these attributes.  I have to also think that Stay Puft is smarter, because Mongo did try to drink from a building ornament.  In terms of physical vulnerabilities, SP was able to absorb the proton accelerator beams and redirect them back, whereas Mongo was melted by warm cream poured over the castle walls.

3. Availability: I was very happy with myself in coming up with this odd-ball match-up that is EXCLUSIVE to LuckyRob.com.  Then I spent the next two hours drawing blanks for any type of graphical representation of Mongo on Google.  I even tried to take movie stills from video streaming, which were so low quality that I was considering abandoning my quest to pit these two stocking stuffers against each other.  Finally, I took Gingy and made him look angry and declared him to be Mongo.  Needless to say, it was a 3.5 hour excercise that I would like to have back.

4. Crews: I recently wrote an article on the best Bar Crew, so it got me thinking – who is the Black-Up for Stay Puft and Mongo?  See below.

The Shrek Crew below.  I’m not including the Dragon as she is the wife of a friend, which is two-relationships away.  If I get into a fight, I’ll be hard-pressed to call on the friend’s husband for instance.  Boots, Donkey, Shrek, Fiona, the Three Pigs, a transvestite wolf, and a knob-nosed woody.

Mr. Stay Puft’s crew includes Gozer, Zuul, and Vinz Clortho.  Remember Zuul is hot.  I like her because she sleeps above her covers – FOUR FEET above her covers.  She barks, she drools …

I think its pretty clear that Mongo’s ass is cooked. Personally, this is the type of extra-dimensional, HP Lovecraft voodoo shit that I want popping up when I’m about to throw down.  You’re not sure if I’m gonna jack your wallet or feast on your soul.  Are you the keymaster?  Hell yes I am.

In the SDF-1 vs. Unicron match-up, the ant beat the lion (primarily because it used Lynn Min Mei as a weapon, but hey).  Not this time.  The king of the cookie monsters is Mr. Stay Puft.  Wade Phillips dancing in wild celebration, flipping his man-tits in all directions under his size XXXXL polo, and mewling like a school girl on sloppy joe Friday.

And aftewards, Rush Limbaugh is eating Mongo’s gingerbread balls.  Doh!