his week in beautiful Melbourne, Australia (where I live), the Homeless World Cup is taking place.  Homeless people from all over the world, 56 teams of 8 players to be exact, have gathered to play “street soccer” rules for your viewing pleasure.

If you’re like me, then you cannot wait to watch these bearded crackheads with crotch crickets and mange square off like pit bulls for food scraps.

Lordy, Lordy!  This is entertainment!

That’s Entertainment: I’m not sure which marketing genius thought of this penultimate exhibition in human competition, but I haven’t been this excited since BumFights.com.  This the Running Man for real!

So the rules are pretty simple.  There are 56 participating countries.  Each one sends a team of 8 soccer homeless people.  To qualify, they must be homeless or have been homeless sometime since Dec 2007 and now. I’m not sure if all of the Lehman brothers are representating the USA, I’ll have to check.

They play street soccer rules, which I guess equates to prison ball.  Anything goes.  I can’t wait to see Hobo Joe do a double-cleater to someguy’s berry sack.  I was also thinking about what happens if you have a player freaking out on the field … you know, like talking to one his personalities.  Delay of game?  Too many players on the field?

Winners & Losers? I’ve spent approximately 20 minutes on the Homeless World Cup website and I haven’t seen any prizes for the winning team.  It makes me wonder if these homeless blokes are just playing for the enrichment of their corporate sponsor overlords.

So I thought I’d come up with a list of suggestions:

• Two for one plasma donations.
• Deluxe park bench with hideaway mattress, liquor cabinet, and syringe disposal.
• The winning team gets to go on a drug-induced murderous rampage with the Burmese army.
• Final soccer ball loaded with balloons of crack.
• High scorer of the tournament adopted by Brangelina.
• Awarded life-time jobs as medical test subjects.
• Life-time supply of Natural Light.  Mmm, taste the goodness.
• All-star appearance on homeless Fear Factor with Tyrone Biggums.  “There’s something you don’t know about me, Joe Rogan.  I smoke crack rock!”
• Lyndsay Lohan.  Take her or leave her.

At the same time, to make sure that these guys are playing as hard as possible, maybe there should be consequences for not winning.

• Second place team has to live in Detroit for six months or death (whichever comes first).
• Gun safety instructor for Plaxico Burress.
• Life-time supply of Zima.  Zomething Different.  (That’s on you, Jasko)
• Steven Gerrard gets to kick each loser in the groin.

Not Your Father’s Hobo Anymore: As I was preparing to write this article, I started thinking about the costs involved with fielding 56 teams from around the world.  Australia is just about as remote a place to travel as any place in the world.  Round trip airface is in the $2k range per person.  Also, the tournament lasts a week, so let’s assume that room and board, medical staff, gear, smack, and all of the items necessary to field each of the players comes to a modest $50 per player per day.  That’s not including marketing, venues, bribes for the Italian referees, translators, hookers, and security.

So far the price tag on this gala is $1.05 million.  Minimum.  Now that makes me think.  There are really different types of homeless people.  There are first-world homeless people.  They hang out at the air conditioned mall, eat leftover Big Macs and Awesome Blossoms, and get hand me down 1997 Jordache basketball sneakers.

Then there are third-world homeless people.  They have had their huts burned by juntas powered with child soldiers looking for new properties in the slave market.  They are forced to dig for blood diamonds while being turked by muslim extremists.  I’m just saying that all homeless people are not created equal.  There seems to me to be a broad stratification between soccer teams and their life struggles.

For example, just imagine that Mbemda, a homeless African, that was trained in accounting with one hand missing from the brutalization of a tribal warlord, goes to the refreshment tent for the athletes and meets Draino, a meth addict and petty criminal in VCRs and car stereos.  Do you think he wants to get the Fairplay Award for the tournament should he play this team?  Or do you think he may want to get medieval on this wastoid’s ass?

So much for that 35 cents per day can provide food and vital life-saving medicine.  No, for this tournament we’re spending nearly $2,500 on each homeless person.  I’m was wondering if it would just be better to put them money into some of these third world countries, like Zimbabwe or Sudan, building water pumps, clinics, immunizations, or hell even passing out condoms, rather than flying over lazy Americans, Germans, and Japanese bums to engage in fun and sun.

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