It’s Friday.

Which means it’s that time again.  Time for another column, one more of my own personal contributions to saving the world.  And in the spirit of our new leader and the upcoming Superbowl, I am turning an eye to peace making, problem solving, and harmony creating to an area of American culture that is rife with violence, self-aggrandizing, and rampant greed.  I am of course talking about the NFL and its growing collection of derelicts. [Read Column]

VOL. 1: CLOONEY VS. SAVAGE

The truth of celebrity is this – you get everything for free.  And when I say everything, I’m talking about specifically booty.  The big question is how much booty does that entitle you to?  What does a career of sports, music, or blockbusters equate into late night, drunk dials.

Well, I believe that I’ve come up with a full proof formula to predict the Wool Pull on any celebrity.  Using my unique and secret blend of pseudo-science, conjecture, wild hypothesis, wreckless assumptions, and oneiromancy I can actually predict which famous person gets the most pootie.  I present Booty Wars.

If you’re the type of person that chooses Invisibility when asked your choice of super powers, this article is for you.  If you’re wondering who can rise from relative obscurity to join the legendary ranks of the Shag Masters – Sean Kemp, Eazy E, Bob Crane, and Peter Sellers – then this article is for you.

The first battle?  George Clooney vs. Randy “Macho Man” Savage.

NOTE: Remember this a measure only of quantity … not quality.

GEORGE TIMOTHY CLOONEY

Male – 47 years old – Lexington, KY

Gorgeous George started his career in TV, appearing in Golden Girls, E/R (not the one you’re thinking of), the Facts of Life, Murder She Wrote, and Roseanne.  His big breakthrough came with the role of dreamy doctor, Dr. Doug Ross, in ER (yes, that one).

Movie wise he started modestly (Return of the Killer Tomatoes, Return to Horror High, Grizzly II: The Predator, Combat Academy), but with his new found fame in ER, he was able to parlay better scripts and bigger budgets.  Starting with the Tarantino flick From Dusk til Dawn he quickly went through a series of big projects mixed in with Indie films.  He’s widely known for his triple appearance as Danny Ocean in the Ocean series.

Okay, okay.  Enough.  After all, I’m not here to sleep with him – just to figure out how many of YOU have. Let’s see how his booty score stacks up:

• Actor (+5)
• Director (+2)
• Producer (+2)
• Screenwriter (-1)
• Film Performances
  • $100+ Million: Batman and Robin, Ocean’s Eleven, The Perfect Storm, Ocean’s Twelve, Ocean’s Thirteen (+15)
  • $200+ Million: none
• Awards
  • Oscars: Nominated three times, won once for Syriana (+13)
  • Golden Globes: Nominated four times, one once for Syriana (+9)
  • Emmy’s: Nominated once (+1)
• Married: total time of matrimony 4 years.  (-8)
• Sexiest Man Alive: Awarded twice, 1997 and 2006 (+20)
• UN Award: Messenger of Peace (+2)
• Notable Roles: Batman (+1)

Analysis: Clooney has clearly made the most of being an intelligent actor and choosing the right roles.  The ladies go for the sensitive smart guy, though his box office performance is lacking.  He’s also one of two men to be named the Sexiest Man Alive twice, the other being Lyle Lovett apparently.

Despite a nice score, there are areas on George’s pootie resume that could use some attention.  Clooney would make some significant gains in his already impressive booty score by releasing a sex tape, producing some illegitimate children, or developing a meth addiction.

FINAL SCORE: 61

RANDY SAVAGE

Male – 56 Years Old – Columbus, OH

Randy “Macho Man” Savage was one of the early icons of the WWF (now WWE).  He was one of the first top rope performers with his Diving Elbow Drop.  His brother and father were also wrestlers (Leaping Lanny Poffo/the Genius and Angelo Poffo respectively).  He started in the regional circuits, but arrived at “The Show” in 1985 when he signed with Vince McMahon.

Macho was originally a heel (aka bad guy), but rose in popularity due to his screen presence and kayfabe personna.  He boasts one of the greatest matches in WWF history with Ricky the Dragon Steamboat at he Pontiac Silverdome in Wrestlemania III.  This set up his legendary friendship/rivalry with Hulk Hogan during height of wrestling fame.

So let’s pull back the covers and see what Savage did with his Macho Man during his bed wrestling.

• Cool Nickname: Macho Man (+1)
• Dumb Real Name: Randall Mario Poffo (-1)
• Wrestler: (+3)
• Ring Manager: Miss Elizabeth (+5)
• Titles:
  • WWF Intercontinental Title (+1)
  • WWF Heavy Championship Title x2 (+8)
  • WCW Champhionship Title x4 (+8)
  • Pay-Per-View Headliner (+5)
• Baseball: Triple A baseball (+4)
• Drug Scandals:
  • WWE Steroid Era: (+8)
  • Overdose: former wife, Miss Elizabeth, found dead of an overdose of Xanax, oxycontin, HGH, and vodka in Lex Luger’s apartment (+5)
• Sex Scandals: sex with Vince’s daughter, Stephanie, a minor at the time (+15)
• Actor: (+5)
• Musician (+6)
• Married: total time of marriage 8 years (-16)

Analysis: An important aspect of this formula is that in no way are we judging the quality of the girls that jumped into bed with our contestants.  Wrestling is a very shady business filled with drug abuse, steroids, alcoholism, and violence, which is a veritable Redneck Booty Playground.  Based on Macho Man’s behavior, it is clear that he had no problem sticking his ring post into anything that moved.  In addition, he played pro-baseball, acted, and makes music.

He could have made a better case for himself by making a cleaner transition into acting or (again) making a sex tape ala Tommy Lee.  That’s always big points.  The booty score formula would have also given big points if his only wife (Miss Elizabeth) had posed in Playboy ala Kimberly (wife of Diamond Dallas Page) and several other less mentionables … ok I’ll say it, Chyna the “man beast”.

Final Score: 57

We’ve had a very close battle and both contestants pulled out all of the … um … nevermind.  Now on behalf of our committee, its time to bestow our prestigious trophy.