It’s Friday.

Which means it’s that time again.  Time for another column, one more of my own personal contributions to saving the world.  And in the spirit of our new leader and the upcoming Superbowl, I am turning an eye to peace making, problem solving, and harmony creating to an area of American culture that is rife with violence, self-aggrandizing, and rampant greed.  I am of course talking about the NFL and its growing collection of derelicts.

Fear not though Obama-Rob is here to mediate, arbitrate, and defecate all over it.  And at the end of this, I’m going to spill a personal ramble about the drawbacks of the Information Age in regards to politics.  Excited?

Terrell Owens: Throughout his career in San Francisco, Philadelphia, and now Dallas, I have flip-flopped back and forth on whether I like, love, or hate TO.  I’m conflicted for a couple of reasons.

First, most people say he’s a terrible team mate. Can you really say he’s a bad team mate when he goes to a new team with the reputation of being a locker room cancer and then in ONE YEAR divides half of the locker room to his side?  I mean what that hell happens?!?!  Some people are apparently drinking the TO kool-aid and fast.  And this was on TWO separate teams?

Let’s just look at the things that he’s done that people have used as evidence.  #1.  He’s accused Jeff Garcia of being a homosexual.  That’s pretty rough particularly in the ultra-macho environs of the NFL.  But … I’m saying I could see it.  I don’t know if Garcia is gay, but I’m saying I could see it.

I dare you not to find the freakish similarities between Garcia with Bogs from the Sisters of Shawshank Redemption.

Then in Philadelphia, he threw Donovan McNabb under the bus for choking on the final drive of the Superbowl.  Here are three facts – McNabb puked in the huddle, looked terrible, and TO miraculously returned on a bum ankle and had an incredible game (9 receptions, 122 yards).  He also famously beat down defensive end Hugh Douglas, who attempted to intimidate him the Eagles’ locker room.  Defensive end!

Now he’s in Dallas.  Last year, during the annual season collapse, Owens bawled at the final press conference in defense of Tony Romo.  This year … not so much.  He’s essentially accused Romo of collusion with Whitten on cutting him out of the offense.  How does this fall apart in one year?  Well, the reports coming out of Irving are flaming Romo (hehe … flaming Romo) on his lack of focus, poor preparation, and bad leadership.  Hmm.

Now there are idiots that are saying that TO is no good anyway and he should be traded.  Let’s just look at some numbers.  First, he’s SECOND all-time in total TD receptions and he’s still got a few peak years.  Taking in all other stats for his position and he’s top 10 in every consideration.  Sure, his hands could be improved because of numerous drops, but remember that he was playing with broken fingers.

Go ahead, try to catch an NFL missile with a broken digit.  Just try.

Last year, TO caught 69 passes with 10 TDs.  At 35 years old, people want to harken that this is his major decline.  Romo only threw 26 for the season and you can pretty much exclude Brad Johnson’s rotting corpse, down 10 from last year.  Does that mean that Romo is washed up?  Also consider that the most TD passes caught this year was only 12 whereas the year before it was 23.

Here’s my solution for TO.  Get rid of Wade Phillips.  If your team’s NASCAR racer is fish tailing all over the road and finishing last, wouldn’t make sense to look at the driver FIRST before spending money changing all the parts?  Wade Phillips is a fat sack of weepy marshmallows.

TO stays.  Romo stays.  Coach needs to go.  Jerry Jones need to shut up.

Chad Johnson: I’m excited about finding a solution for this player for one big reason … I think he may be washed-up.  It’s hard to say for sure because of how terrible the Bengals are even after a brief resurgence.

The Bengals are funny … they were good for two years, but at the expense of 123 arrests.  Is there a more obvious Satanic “Deal or No Deal” in pro-sports since the Portland Jailblazers?

Ok, back to CJ.  He changed his name to Chad Ocho Cinco, which I want to point out makes his initials Coc.  Hmm.  I just want to call him LeCoc for some reason.

Ok, OK, back to LeCoc.  I think he’s well past being the #1 receiver.  All of his 2008 stats were precipitiously down … in some cases by as much as a third.  Any receiver is completely dependent on their QB and LeCoc honestly needs a place that will appreciate his Marti Gras personality.

Send him to New Orleans and let him catch from Drew Brees.  Fix those damn teeth.  Platinum, fool!

Michael Vick: The day is quickly coming when the Vickster will be free from incarceration and will be showing up with his hat in hand and begging for any.  He’s bankrupt and villified the world over for beating dogs to death for sport (except Korea).

In prison, Vick has been playing on the correctional facility intramural team, playing all-time QB for both teams.  (Hehe … playing for both teams in prison). Joking aside, I can’t imagine a better place to get in shape than a “pound-me-in-the-ass” federal prison.

Wouldn’t it be great if Vick came out of the lock-up a Muslim?  Just like Tyson?  There are is so much to hope for … he’s GOT to play in the NFL.

When he’s eligible, Vick will only be 30 years old.  He’s a freak athlete, cannon arm, struggles reading defenses, and has barely a shred of accuracy.  His biggest asset was that the ATL Falcons were a perennial leader in rushing.  In addition, counting the games he played, Vick has only one losing season.

With so many horrible teams in the NFL, there has got to be someone willing to jump on the PR grenade that is south of Canada.  While it would be particularly apropos for Vick to play for the Cleveland Browns, whose mascot is in fact a bulldog.  Every time they play “who let the dogs out?” Vick should be forced to mount the rape stand.

But Cleveland does not need a quarterback with Brady Quinn and Derek Anderson.  So I say send him to a place where the fans #1. already hate their quarterback and #2. are so bitterly cynical that the PR fallout will be hardly noticeable.

Vick goes to Philly.  If AI played there, Vick’s golden.

By the way, I found this on the Internet and I think its pretty funny.  I know some people will hate this, some people will love it.

Donovan McNabb: You knew that if I was sending Vick to Philly, McNabb had to be on the move.  I really feel for this guy.  He’s a great quarterback that has overcome substantial injuries and the worst fans in professional sports (sorry Sheffield) to remain consistently a top 10 player at his position.

There was never a point in his career from the day he was drafted and now 5 conference championship games later, when the city embraced him.

People don’t realize how much abuse these athletes go through (yes, yes, I know they make millions of dollars).  I know for a fact that any ultra-competitive person that I know thrown into that highly critical forum would self destruct by choking out a fat, burger-eating sports writer in the first year.

Somehow these guys, particularly McNabb, have amazingly thick skin.  I just get the feeling that had he been drafted somewhere else, he would have had a drastically different career and public image.

McNabb would be a terrific fit for either Chicago (great defense) or Minnesota (great defense, great run game).  Both have vacuous brainbusters playing at QB.  Since I had an hour long discussion with my boy, Johnnie, who hails from Chi-Town, I’ll relent and say this:

Send McNabb to Chicago and let the honeymoon begin.  This is the same city that suffered multiple seasons of Good Rex/Bad Rex.

And last …

Adam “Pacman” Jones: In the picture to the left, doesn’t Pacman look like some sort of religious figure?  Like he’s a Rastafarian scientologist or something?

This guy is a trip.  After a short career with the Titans loaded with legal troubles, fines, and suspensions, he was brought to the Cowboys.  At this point, he went to a party held by Luda and then beat up the bodyguard that was supposed to protect him.  He beat him up while he was taking a pee pee.

He’s got more legal troubles that are coming up that will probably get him some jail time.  But the solution is actually pretty simple …

Enjoy the Surreal Life and say hi to Ron Jeremy.

That concludes our tour of the NFL Les Miserables.  I wanted to rant for a second on the nature of the digital / information age.  Barack Obama has become President.  As part of the age that we’re living in everyone with an Internet connection and a keyboard feels the entitlement to share their opinions.  That’s quite unfortunate, because intelligence has ceased to be even a minor requirement or consideration.

Here are some of the statements that I’ve read online in blogs, chat rooms, and bulletin boards.

Idiot #1: Obama said anything to get elected!

Gee, you’re right.  No OTHER politician ever played to the crowd, kissed babies, and said things that were nice to hear.  I clearly remember George W. Bush promising not to be a jack-ass during his second term.  I feel lied to.

Secondly, the campaign was running when the economy was “okay” … but he was elected when the economy is puking yellow vomit because of the Ebola virus.  Let’s put this in another perspective.  Let’s say I promise my kids a pony for Christmas.  Well, December rolls around and daddy has been laid off and mommy has run away with the plumber.  Guess what, kids?  Suck it up.  No freakin’ pony.

Idiot #2: I’d rather have eight years of Bush than eight years of Clinton and four of Obama.

This one irks me in two regards.  First, it’s DAY THREE of the Obama presidency.  Unless your screen name is n0stradamu5, then you need a warm glass of shut the hell up.  Can you see the future?  Have the first 72 hours been so bitterly disappointed that you’re already bailing?

Second, Bush initiated two foreign wars (Afganistan and Iraq), bankrupted the country with the war effort, and oversaw the worst financial crisis since Hoover (the President, not the vacuum … though both suck).  Oh yeah, he’s a winner!  At some point, the conservatives are going to have to say for their own credibility, “Ok, that was a pretty fucking bad presidency.”

Idiot #3: My guy didn’t win, so I want Obama “to fail.”

I’m surprised that this idiot could even say this without a drug-induced slur through his fat jowels, because it was none other than radio pundit Rush Limbaugh.  Saying you want an American President to fail during the worst financial crisis is saying that you want AMERICA to fail.  Man, I’d love to kick this guy in his shrunken, undescended man berries.

Idiots #4 – 6: Obama is a fag! | Barack Hussein Obama is a terrorist | Obama is a ******

These people are known as Trolls.  They basically prowl chat rooms writing incendiary comments to get the room worked up.  They are also very often 12 years old.  Get some pubes and get back to me.  It’s unfortunate that the anonymity of the Internet has given normally cowardly, unvoiced tools the forum to be amazingly myopic, racist, and xenophobic.

Since this is my website and I can say anything I want, I’m going to say the first thing that comes to mind to these idiots: blow me.

Peace + Soul.  Seacrest OUT!

2 comments