If you’re like me, then your childhood was defined by Terminator, Rambo, Thundercats, He-Man, GI Joe … and Rocky Balboa.  The Italian Stallion.  God bless the 1980s.  At the same time, I’m a big boxing fan.  Unfortunately, boxing is so corrupt and watered down that I’ve been forced to turn to another lover and that lover’s name is MMA. And ever since Mike Tyson lost to Buster Douglas, the premier division of the sport, the big boys, has been a complete disaster.

But for the time being, let’s revisit one of the noble and pure things from my youth, a perfect nexus of everything that is cool – boxing, 1980s movies, Russians, and THE Apollo Creed.  I present Creed Vs. Drago. [Read Column]

I’m a 32 year old that has subsisted off of nearly 29.7 years of junk food, chocolate, and sleep deprivation.  Father Time is ticking off the seconds of his stop watch like a Chinese gong right over my head.  The bad thing is that I still look like I’m 23 and I feel and act like I’m 12.  In other words, I am the incarnation of Josh Baskin.

I’ve put together a list of symptoms that every young male that has self-delusions of immortality can look forward to.  Consider it the Handbook for the Soon-To-Be Middle Aged Man. [Read Column]

Some people can say that they’ve sailed through life … or danced through life … I’ve even had people say that life is a marathon not a track meet (thank you Ice Cube).  The way that I’d equate my life’s journey is stubbing my pinky toe on the bed post while creeping through a dark house on the way to the crapper.

But that doesn’t mean that I’m not qualified to give you 50 pieces of cheap advice.  I do after all watch Dr. Phil.

My life lessons boiled down into 50 easy guidelines and tips.

1. When it comes to food, there is no 3-second rule in public places.  Just let it go.
2. There’s always one guy in the group that annoys everyone else.  Don’t be that guy.
3. Under 30 – if your drinking ends in vomiting twice in a row, you must learn to master your booze or else your booze will master you.
4. Over 30 – if your drinking ends in vomiting EVER, its time to grow up.
5. Never tell your in-laws what you are really thinking … it will only come back to haunt you.
6. Choosing a major in college is the most over-rated thing you can worry about.
7. Choosing your wife is the most important decision you’ll ever make.
8. Every day do each of the following things: laugh out loud, dance, and sing.
9. If you can’t talk calmly and rational about your beliefs and values, you should become a radio talk show host.
10. Every personality can be attributed to a character in Star Wars.  Be like Chewbacca.
11. Laughing at people getting hurt in real life is bad.
12. Laughing at people getting hurt on Youtube is sublime.
13. Go someplace where no one else is like you and make friends.
14. Every man, woman, and pet should master the game of beer pong.
15. Learn how to take a compliment, learn how to accept a gift.
16. Profanity is like paprika.  It always adds flavor in the right amount.
17. If your wife ever jokes about your proficiency in bed, its okay to call her fat.
18. The best friends you’ll make are the ones that you treat the worst during Mario Cart.
19. Get a hobby.  Anything on a PS3, WII, X-box, PC, or Mac is NOT a hobby.
20. Mouth breathers need love, too.
21. It’s okay to be scared.  It’s not okay to squeal like a little girl in the movies.
22. Every man should own a dog.
23. If you didn’t vote for Barack Obama, don’t worry.  You have many years left in your life to make up for your terrible mistake.
24. Learn how to take a punch.  In the face.
25. The best way to get a girl is persianwives.com.
26. If you travel overseas, no one wants to hear about how great America is … trust me.
27. Learn to speak another language … or at least master the Scottish accent.  That’s just as good.
28. If you don’t like you, then I’m sure as hell not going to.
29. There is nothing finer than the smell of freshly cut, green grass.
30. Witty comebacks only end arguements in the movies.  A kick to the groin works everytime.
31. Peeing outside is a gift from God.
32. Learn all the words to Slick Rick’s La Di Da Di.  You’ll be surprised how often its relevant.
33. When you play a sport, learn how to cheat without getting caught.  It’s called gamesmanship.
34. Men – never talk about your bedroom activities with your wife.
35. Women – go tell everyone you know.
36. If you watch chick movies with your lady, then make her watch you play sports.  Quid pro quo.
37. Karma is a dirty, dirty whore.
38. The best way to not feel self conscious about your weight is to wear an elastic waist band.
39. Pluck your uni-brow.  It’s 2009 for Christ’s sake.
40. Every man should know how to drive a standard.  It’s in the handbook.
41. Learn how to take a shot of the hard stuff without making the bitch face.
42. Life’s essentials: one pair of comfortable jeans, suede indoor soccer shoes, a laptop, a warm mug of anything, and a good pillow.
43. Make your free throws.
44. I wish everyone could have the feeling of holding your newborn baby.
45. Learn Chinese.  Eventually, they will be the overlords.  It’s just a numbers game at this point.
46. You must either choose the Beatles or the Rolling Stones.  Only one, but choose carefully.
47. Only white people need to wear sun screen.  But we hardly ever get cold.
48. Clothes are over-rated.  Being in shape is the best way to look good.
49. Tall people get more promotions, more girls, and more respect.  Short people hide better.
50. Spontaneously clapping your hands is not a good way to hide the fact that you just accidentally farted in public.

Peace.

Etymology. In German, it means “whale’s vagina.”  Oh sorry, that’s San Diego.

No, no.  That’s just silly.  Etymology is actually the study of the roots and origins of words.  By the way, the ETYMOLOGY of the word etymology is from the Greek words etumon “true sense” and logia “study of”. Thus etym-ology is the study of the true sense.

By the way, I have to confess that because my wife’s last boyfriend before she met me (and her first serious one in her lifetime) was GREEK, I am naturally biased towards items of that ilk.  And thusly, my stomach turns whenever I encounter anything that is Greek.  No offense, Leonidas, but excuse me while I throw up in my mouth just a little bit.

Etymology.

This just occured to me.  If logia means ‘the study of’ does this mean that the actor Robert Loggia actually means the “study of Robert”.  Can I start calling him Robertology?  Put me down for one of those.

I studied Latin in my short career at a Jesuit college under the prime discipleship of Magister Stephen Bealls as well as history at the agricultural epicenter OSU under the strict Fascist rule of Doktor Bischoff, so I have some experience in Etymology.  And it strikes me funny as some of the words in English and where they actually came from.

The biggest word that I wanted to share with you is CAESAR.  It is the Roman “king” and has lent itself to German (kaisar), Russian (tsar, czar), and a rundown casino in Vegas.  Caesar was actually the cognomen of Gaius Julius Caesar, famously murdered by Jason Robards and Richard Johnson.  It was shared by his adopted great nephew Octavius, later known as Augustus.

After two of the greatest Roman emperors, Caesar became common for the ruler to adopt to tie themselves through smoke, mirrors, and histrionics to the “noble” bloodline of the Julians.  But here’s the rub – what does Caesar mean?

Well, well, I’m glad you asked.  There is some debate over this, but apparently it means “curly hair”.  Yep.  Now if you’re putting two and two together like I did, when you call someone “curly hair” because they actually have short, curls on their head, rather than sarcastically for being bald (see Curly of the Three Stooges), in today’s parlance you’re calling them Pubes.

There was this kid from my high school, Matt Einsley, who had short curly hair and we alternated between calling him Screech and Pubes.  He was a big, tall, goofy sunabitch.  I don’t mind pointing him out because he ratted me out in Dr. Defee’s history class and I had to sit at the back of the room for the rest of the semester.  Oh how the hidden coals still smolder.

So my bet is that Julius Caesar’s family was actually known in Roman times as Pubes.  And now that term has transcended into a universal term of king.  It could be worse, I read once that Queen actually means anal discharge.

Here’s a case of a false etymology.  It has been widely and wrongly reported that the word SHIT actually came from English shipping lore.  Crates of manure that were crated across the waters from mother England were in great danger of getting wet and releasing a build-up of methane gas in the hold of the ship.  If any poor limey swab were to wander below deck to engage in some Phelps bong hits, BOOM!  There goes the ship.  So it was proposed that the acronym S.H.I.T. was marked on each of these crates, short for Store High In Transit.

My revolutionary war history professor told us that story and I was so eager to tell everyone I knew.  Guess what, wikipedia now claims that it is untrue.  Dammnit.  Why is everything that is so beautiful, so fake – like Pamela Anderson’s breasts!  Why!  Why!

Apparently, the word shit comes from an actual person.  One of Dick Cheney’s ancestors or something.  I read that on Google somewhere.  Don’t quote me.

Now let’s talk about my name, Robert. It’s a Germanic, coming from the root words hrod and beraht.  I was surprised that my name did not mean “colossal” and “man parts”.  I could have sworn that was the original translation from Finnish or Norwegian or something.  Nope.  It literally means “bright light”.

Crap.

You mean to tell me that my name is coincidentally the only words that Gizmo the Mogwai said during the entire movie of Gremlins?  Bright light!  Bright light!

I feel like I just sat on my balls while riding a ten speed.

…

So what’s new in your world.  You stay classy, San Diego.