If you’re like me, then your childhood was defined by Terminator, Rambo, Thundercats, He-Man, GI Joe … and Rocky Balboa.  The Italian Stallion.  God bless the 1980s.  At the same time, I’m a big boxing fan.  Unfortunately, boxing is so corrupt and watered down that I’ve been forced to turn to another lover and that lover’s name is MMA. And ever since Mike Tyson lost to Buster Douglas, the premier division of the sport, the big boys, has been a complete disaster.

But for the time being, let’s revisit one of the noble and pure things from my youth, a perfect nexus of everything that is cool – boxing, 1980s movies, Russians, and THE Apollo Creed.  I present Creed Vs. Drago.

The great thing about all Rocky movies is that from each fight you can grab TWO full rounds of boxing action.  From those two rounds we can compare these fighters to other historical equivalents and other greats, such as the Fight (aka Hagler vs. Hearns).

The even GREATER thing is that the exhibition match between Apollo Creed and Ivan Drago shows the entire fight, which ends in dramatic fashion in Round 2.  With this data, we can compare this fight (in future columns) to Balboa vs. Clubber Lang I and II, Balboa vs. Creed I and II, etc.

Let’s get started …

Apollo Creed vs. Ivan Drago

First, I present the full fight in its HD entirety on Youtube for your viewing pleasure at just under 6:30 minutes.  Sorry, I did not include the James Brown dance around in the pre-fight hype.  Enjoy!

First, let’s review the CompuBox punch statistics.

ROUND 1

• Apollo – [Thrown 24, Landed 19 - 7 Jabs, 12 Power]
• Drago – [Thrown 23, Landed 23 - 0 Jabs, 23 Power]

Before we get into the analysis of what these numbers mean, I need to first say that this round lasted only 1:29 of actual film time.  Well, it WAS an exhibition, but its rare, in fact VERY rare, that as part of the pre-fight negotations that one camp would request that the standard round be reduced by one minute, thirty one seconds along with a no standing eight count, for instance.

So its safe to assume that if we were to adjust these numbers for a full 3-minute round, we’d get the following:

• Apollo – [Thrown 48, Landed 38 - 14 Jabs, 24 Power]
• Drago – [Thrown 46, Landed 46 - 0 Jabs, 46 Power]

ROUND 2

• Apollo – [Thrown 8, Landed 0 - 0 Jabs, 0 Power]
• Drago – [Thrown 24, Landed 24 - 0 Jabs, 24 Power]

And adjusted x2 as above …

• Apollo – [Thrown 16, Landed 0 - 0 Jabs, 0 Power]
• Drago – [Thrown 48, Landed 48 - 0 Jabs, 48 Power]

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?

After an awkward stare down in the center of the ring, Apollo starts out dancing, popping his left jab with flash and at moments he looks like his old self at the height of his powers.  Other than a brief slip, Creed looks like he is going to completely outclass his vastly under-experienced Russian opponent.  Apollo’s most effective punches are his 1-2 combo and a right hook.  Though his hands are quick, the champ’s punches do not seem to be effecting his considerably larger adversary.

Right at the mid-point of the round, Drago unleashes a devastating overhand right.  Apollo for his part was caught completely off-guard, which is strange considering that Drago’s trainer bellowed for the assault to begin like a Joe Cocker fog horn.  After that, Apollo throws eight more punches (unadjusted) in the entire fight and does not connect with single one.  Clearly, he was rocked and in serious trouble.

Even more amazing, the Russian apparently does not possess a jab in any form in his arsenal.  Nor does he need one.  He throws 47 total punches (unadjusted) and all of them are power punches and ALL OF THEM connect.  Yep, he connects with an astounding 100% strike rate. Apollo gets beaten to death while Rocky debates on whether to throw in the towell to stop the fight.

Hey, it could have been worse. Adrian could have been ringside telling Rocky how shitty he is.  Couldn’t Drago throw a few uppercuts her way?

IF THIS WERE REAL LIFE …

Apollo would either be alive (round 1) or Drago would be in jail (round 2).  Here’s why …

Let’s just assume that the fight is not stopped, which is a stretch.  A real stretch. For the last 30 seconds, Creed looks like a drunk Pinnochio whose got no strings to hold him down.  He feebly tries to tie up Drago and even gets flung across the ring.  That would have been a point deducted or at least a warning, by the way.  This is not WWE, this is supposed to be boxing.

More importantly, at the end of round 1, the bell sounds and the Russian in his full Tsaric blood fury keeps beating the capitalist pig without mercy.  Not just one punch, which could cost a point or a DQ.  Not two.  Not three.  This is like the Count from Sesame Street.  SIX FUCKING PUNCHES.  HA HA HA.

Ring the bell.  Turn off the lights.  The fight is over.  The Russian gets DQed immediately.  Apollo lives, but speaks with a stuttering slur for the rest of his life (sorry Razor Ruddock).

Assuming that the stoppage does not happen, let’s move to round 2.  The beatings continue where the Kurgan left off.  I can make a weak case that the fight would not have been stopped early as Apollo threw a few punches (none connected), tried to tie up, and even had the presence of mind to speak to his corner even though his nose and mustache were hanging off of his face.

But … the ref does step in to separate the fighters.  Being generous he’s going to give Apollo a standing eight count.  Being realistic, he’s going to prep Apollo for surgery.  Here’s where Big Ivan goes to jail.  The Russian actually grabs the ref and throws him out of the way to continue fighting.  At that point, it ceases to be a boxing match and starts to be a felony.

You can insert your reverse racism joke about a European tourist visiting Las Vegas and beating up a black guy here.  I wouldn’t stoop to such lows.  You bastard, you.

YEAH, BUT DEATH?

Yeah, probably.  Apollo is hanging out with Chubbs in sporting heaven, reciting Thanatopsis.  There are two factors to consider in his cranial deconstruction.

First, even though this is early in the movie, before the Russian is able to double his punching power via a concoction of HGH, Steroids, and Water Buffalo giz in a single syringe, he’s still laying down 1850 pounds per square inch of punching power compared to 750 pounds of power for the average heavyweight.

1850 psi.

I got the following piece of information from Cancer.org.  I’m a god on Google.  Check this out:

Bone itself is very hard and strong. Some bone is able to support as much as 12,000 pounds per square inch. It takes as much as 1,200 to 1,800 pounds of pressure to break the femur (thigh bone).  Source

So if my math is right …. 1850 > 1200 … thus every punch that Drago delivers would be enough to break the strongest bone in the body, the femur.  Sheee-it.

Basically, it’d be like Joe Pesci’s cornfield scene in Casino where his face intersects with a bat a few times.

Secondly, let me tell you briefly the story of Benny Paret.  He was a Cuban fighter that had a feud going with Emile Griffith.  He even went so far as to call him maricon, which is Spanish for … um … Carson Kressley.  Well, Emile took it personally.  He stunned Paret and then proceeded to punch him 29 straight times, 18 times in just six seconds.  Paret was clearly out on his feet, but was pinned in the corner ropes and unable to fall.  He died in a coma nine days later.

I am not going to post it on my site for obvious reasons, but if you want to see it, you can watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ED2UBDMRBZ

Personally, I think that referee in the Paret fight should have been charged, because the beating that kid took after the first few punches looks like a mugging in Brooklyn.  Gee-ZUZ!

So … clearly Apollo absorbed WAY more punishment than Paret and would have been in just as much trouble.  The reason that Rocky had to fight in Russia, I’m sure, was because he skipped bail and was avoiding extradition.

Til next time fight fans.