Some people can say that they’ve sailed through life … or danced through life … I’ve even had people say that life is a marathon not a track meet (thank you Ice Cube).  The way that I’d equate my life’s journey is stubbing my pinky toe on the bed post while creeping through a dark house on the way to the crapper.

But that doesn’t mean that I’m not qualified to give you 50 pieces of cheap advice.  I do after all watch Dr. Phil.

My life lessons boiled down into 50 easy guidelines and tips.

1. When it comes to food, there is no 3-second rule in public places.  Just let it go.
2. There’s always one guy in the group that annoys everyone else.  Don’t be that guy.
3. Under 30 – if your drinking ends in vomiting twice in a row, you must learn to master your booze or else your booze will master you.
4. Over 30 – if your drinking ends in vomiting EVER, its time to grow up.
5. Never tell your in-laws what you are really thinking … it will only come back to haunt you.
6. Choosing a major in college is the most over-rated thing you can worry about.
7. Choosing your wife is the most important decision you’ll ever make.
8. Every day do each of the following things: laugh out loud, dance, and sing.
9. If you can’t talk calmly and rational about your beliefs and values, you should become a radio talk show host.
10. Every personality can be attributed to a character in Star Wars.  Be like Chewbacca.
11. Laughing at people getting hurt in real life is bad.
12. Laughing at people getting hurt on Youtube is sublime.
13. Go someplace where no one else is like you and make friends.
14. Every man, woman, and pet should master the game of beer pong.
15. Learn how to take a compliment, learn how to accept a gift.
16. Profanity is like paprika.  It always adds flavor in the right amount.
17. If your wife ever jokes about your proficiency in bed, its okay to call her fat.
18. The best friends you’ll make are the ones that you treat the worst during Mario Cart.
19. Get a hobby.  Anything on a PS3, WII, X-box, PC, or Mac is NOT a hobby.
20. Mouth breathers need love, too.
21. It’s okay to be scared.  It’s not okay to squeal like a little girl in the movies.
22. Every man should own a dog.
23. If you didn’t vote for Barack Obama, don’t worry.  You have many years left in your life to make up for your terrible mistake.
24. Learn how to take a punch.  In the face.
25. The best way to get a girl is persianwives.com.
26. If you travel overseas, no one wants to hear about how great America is … trust me.
27. Learn to speak another language … or at least master the Scottish accent.  That’s just as good.
28. If you don’t like you, then I’m sure as hell not going to.
29. There is nothing finer than the smell of freshly cut, green grass.
30. Witty comebacks only end arguements in the movies.  A kick to the groin works everytime.
31. Peeing outside is a gift from God.
32. Learn all the words to Slick Rick’s La Di Da Di.  You’ll be surprised how often its relevant.
33. When you play a sport, learn how to cheat without getting caught.  It’s called gamesmanship.
34. Men – never talk about your bedroom activities with your wife.
35. Women – go tell everyone you know.
36. If you watch chick movies with your lady, then make her watch you play sports.  Quid pro quo.
37. Karma is a dirty, dirty whore.
38. The best way to not feel self conscious about your weight is to wear an elastic waist band.
39. Pluck your uni-brow.  It’s 2009 for Christ’s sake.
40. Every man should know how to drive a standard.  It’s in the handbook.
41. Learn how to take a shot of the hard stuff without making the bitch face.
42. Life’s essentials: one pair of comfortable jeans, suede indoor soccer shoes, a laptop, a warm mug of anything, and a good pillow.
43. Make your free throws.
44. I wish everyone could have the feeling of holding your newborn baby.
45. Learn Chinese.  Eventually, they will be the overlords.  It’s just a numbers game at this point.
46. You must either choose the Beatles or the Rolling Stones.  Only one, but choose carefully.
47. Only white people need to wear sun screen.  But we hardly ever get cold.
48. Clothes are over-rated.  Being in shape is the best way to look good.
49. Tall people get more promotions, more girls, and more respect.  Short people hide better.
50. Spontaneously clapping your hands is not a good way to hide the fact that you just accidentally farted in public.

Peace.