Etymology. In German, it means “whale’s vagina.”  Oh sorry, that’s San Diego.

No, no.  That’s just silly.  Etymology is actually the study of the roots and origins of words.  By the way, the ETYMOLOGY of the word etymology is from the Greek words etumon “true sense” and logia “study of”. Thus etym-ology is the study of the true sense.

By the way, I have to confess that because my wife’s last boyfriend before she met me (and her first serious one in her lifetime) was GREEK, I am naturally biased towards items of that ilk.  And thusly, my stomach turns whenever I encounter anything that is Greek.  No offense, Leonidas, but excuse me while I throw up in my mouth just a little bit.

Etymology.

This just occured to me.  If logia means ‘the study of’ does this mean that the actor Robert Loggia actually means the “study of Robert”.  Can I start calling him Robertology?  Put me down for one of those.

I studied Latin in my short career at a Jesuit college under the prime discipleship of Magister Stephen Bealls as well as history at the agricultural epicenter OSU under the strict Fascist rule of Doktor Bischoff, so I have some experience in Etymology.  And it strikes me funny as some of the words in English and where they actually came from.

The biggest word that I wanted to share with you is CAESAR.  It is the Roman “king” and has lent itself to German (kaisar), Russian (tsar, czar), and a rundown casino in Vegas.  Caesar was actually the cognomen of Gaius Julius Caesar, famously murdered by Jason Robards and Richard Johnson.  It was shared by his adopted great nephew Octavius, later known as Augustus.

After two of the greatest Roman emperors, Caesar became common for the ruler to adopt to tie themselves through smoke, mirrors, and histrionics to the “noble” bloodline of the Julians.  But here’s the rub – what does Caesar mean?

Well, well, I’m glad you asked.  There is some debate over this, but apparently it means “curly hair”.  Yep.  Now if you’re putting two and two together like I did, when you call someone “curly hair” because they actually have short, curls on their head, rather than sarcastically for being bald (see Curly of the Three Stooges), in today’s parlance you’re calling them Pubes.

There was this kid from my high school, Matt Einsley, who had short curly hair and we alternated between calling him Screech and Pubes.  He was a big, tall, goofy sunabitch.  I don’t mind pointing him out because he ratted me out in Dr. Defee’s history class and I had to sit at the back of the room for the rest of the semester.  Oh how the hidden coals still smolder.

So my bet is that Julius Caesar’s family was actually known in Roman times as Pubes.  And now that term has transcended into a universal term of king.  It could be worse, I read once that Queen actually means anal discharge.

Here’s a case of a false etymology.  It has been widely and wrongly reported that the word SHIT actually came from English shipping lore.  Crates of manure that were crated across the waters from mother England were in great danger of getting wet and releasing a build-up of methane gas in the hold of the ship.  If any poor limey swab were to wander below deck to engage in some Phelps bong hits, BOOM!  There goes the ship.  So it was proposed that the acronym S.H.I.T. was marked on each of these crates, short for Store High In Transit.

My revolutionary war history professor told us that story and I was so eager to tell everyone I knew.  Guess what, wikipedia now claims that it is untrue.  Dammnit.  Why is everything that is so beautiful, so fake – like Pamela Anderson’s breasts!  Why!  Why!

Apparently, the word shit comes from an actual person.  One of Dick Cheney’s ancestors or something.  I read that on Google somewhere.  Don’t quote me.

Now let’s talk about my name, Robert. It’s a Germanic, coming from the root words hrod and beraht.  I was surprised that my name did not mean “colossal” and “man parts”.  I could have sworn that was the original translation from Finnish or Norwegian or something.  Nope.  It literally means “bright light”.

Crap.

You mean to tell me that my name is coincidentally the only words that Gizmo the Mogwai said during the entire movie of Gremlins?  Bright light!  Bright light!

I feel like I just sat on my balls while riding a ten speed.

…

So what’s new in your world.  You stay classy, San Diego.

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