I drive 2 hours to and from Melbourne (big city) and Bendigo (rural town) twice a week.  The trip is 150km of uninterrupted freeway.  I’ve been driving this trip for about two years now.  My wife and kid fall asleep, the iPod is barely audible, and I have the entire stretch of featureless black road to think. After driving this trip more than 100 times for over 200 hours, your mind starts to work in abnormal ways.

And that is how this column was born.

One of the simple truths of life is that the universe is infinite, limitless.  We are not alone.  At least not if you consider the greater expanse of the cosmos.  Statistically, its considered impossible that somewhere, somehow, that intelligent life does not exist.  Sorry for you Creationists.  I mean I’m really sorry for you.

But here on Earth?

Yeah, we’re alone.  In fact, its pretty damn lonely.  The closest we are getting to another race of intelligent beings is if the Japanese sex-bot industry takes off.  And I mean really takes off.  They are leading the race for artificial intelligence.  Believe you me, I’m already investing as many dollars as I can.  “Hello, Yumiko.  Nice maid outfit.”

That got me thinking … if I could select a second species to join homo sapien in our sentience, what would I choose from our world to join the ranks of Mensa?

Well … here it goes …

The Micros: Let’s just agree that we are not going to even consider anything from the world of bacteria, micro-organisms, etc.  Too different, too weird.  It’d suck balls to be stuck in morning traffic only to look over and see a four hundred pound amoeba, driving a semi truck while absorbing a McGriddle.  Or having to lose that big promotion at work to a hardworking strand of amino acid.  They are out.

Collectively, we’re eliminating something like 98% of all living organisms.  That was easy.

The Dog: I think the obvious answer would be Lassie, Rin Tin Tin, Hooch, and McGruff.  They are man’s best friend and they already live in close proximity with millions of us all over the world.  The perfect choice, right?  Wrong.  If dogs suddenly became smart, do you think they’d like fetching our papers or licking the jam out of our toes?  And if they did, would we honestly want to hang out with intelligent beings that did?

Do you think dogs would understand their role in the Korean food industry?  I don’t.

Do you think they’d understand our eagerness to cut off their nuts?  Bob Barker would become the canine world’s Hitler.

And most importantly, dogs already fulfill a needed role in our society.  If we made dogs our equals, then we’d lose our faithful, loyal, and most importantly stupid sidekicks.  We use them on rescues, airport security, hunting, home protection, cancer detection, prison rehabilitation, and care of the elderly and the blind.

Plus, there are consequences of giving hounds the same abilities to pursue their secret, weird desires just as humans do now.  Yeah, I’m talking about doggy porn.  Can you imagine the different face of the Internet if dogs could jack it?  I mean dogs can literally lick their own privates already … what in the hell would their smut look like?  I shudder to imagine it.  Oh, the horror.

No, the role of man’s best friend is way too important to give dogs the big boost in brain power.

The Cat: I’m allergic to cats.  Really allergic.  Its more of a sixth sense.  My cat allergy alerts me if a cat has even been in the room in the last twelve hours.  In fact, I’m so allergic that even the cats can sense it.  I spent a weekend in Lawrence, KS with my pal Chris.  He has two cats and he promised that I could sleep in an area that was completely shut-off from the furry, little terrors.  Chris lied.  I woke up with that damn cat resting on my chest, trying to close my lungs, like that little troll from the Stephen King movie with Drew Barrymore.

Because of my allergy, there would have to be special precautions.  I’d hate to be labeled a specist for having to wear a cotton mask whenever I went over to Pussy-Town.  I saw the reaction to the American Olympians that did the same when they arrived in Beijing.  As a white American, I am deathly afraid of being labeled a bigot.

Plus, cats are loners by nature.  They’d probably all hole up by the dozens in their own private communes centered on eccentric, old ladies suffering from dementia.  I can imagine how terrible the smell would be.  Also, how would airport security work if cats had retractable claws?  I’m not sure I would feel safe if I was sitting next to someone with the equivalent of bone needles hidden in each hand.  Almost, like Weapon X except with only the threat of minor skin abrasions.

Lions, Tigers, & Bears: Lets look beyond the obvious of the family pet.  How about lions or tigers?  Or bears?  Or gorillas?  OK, stop right there – I thought of this, too.  Do we really want to introduce a new species of intelligent beings that supersede us in strength, agility, toughness, and speed?  Human beings would be relegated to the WNBA of the sporting world while the real Detroit LIONS would fight the real Chicago BEARS.

Think of it like this.  Right now, we have guns.  We have body armor.  We have bright orange vests.  These animals are still whooping our candy asses whenever they encounter us … AND they are wiping their asses with jungle leaves.  Can imagine if it was an even playing field?  We’d be getting toasted left, right, and sideways.  I’m afraid that humans would be relegated to servitor species to the great bear emperor.

Need proof?  Planet of the Apes I – X, The Ghost & The Darkness, the Jungle Book, the Berlin Zoo.

This is what I think.  First, we need an animal that is not a threat to us if encountered in a dark ally.  Secondly, we need a mammal.  I’d be a little freaked out to meet an reptile men with their double membrane eyes and fangs.  As a cold-blooded creature, you know that they’d pack Miami.  You couldn’t go to South Beach without seeing thousands of scales and tails sunning themselves on the sand.

Here’s a quick summary of other animals that are disqualified:

• Rabbits – After watching Watership Down, I’m convinced that all rabbits are Schizophrenic Agoraphobics.  Every last one of them.
• Elephants – Apparently these creatures never forget.  I don’t need to be reminded of all of my mistakes meticulously cataloged.  I have a wife for that.
• Rats – No explanation needed.
• Cows – All of India would come crashing down if the cows actually WERE special.  Cow cults everywhere.
• Horses – Every story about horses is that they are obstinate and dumb.  Can’t pull a horse from a burning barn … Can’t let them loose on a big pile of food or they’ll explode their stomach … etc etc.  Isn’t the world full of enough dumb humans already?
• Birds – If a bird was suicidal, I’m worried that they would purposefully fly into a jet turbine
• Fox – Disney’s Robin Hood has proven that foxes are all lying thieves
• Insects – watch Men in Black and then get back to me.

The Verdict? It’d be great to have an animal with some personality that would give us an indication of what they’d be like culturally should they become smart.  But not enough personality that we’d miss them as animals – like said dog.  So I am voting for the Pig.

Quite frankly, pork is over-rated as a meat.  And if you knew what hot dogs were really made of you wouldn’t eat them.  One of the benefits of being American is that most of our food is unidentifiable.  If your hot dog actually looked like pig sphincter, the ball park frank would never have existed.  Besides if pigs were smart, then I’m sure we’d naturally have found an alternative food source.  I’m suggesting Canadians.  We could still use the term Canadian Bacon.  So no loss there.

Plus, factor in all the pigs in the movies or on TV and you’ll already get a warm fuzzy – Charlotte’s Web, Babe, Green Acres, The Muppets, Porky Pig, Piglet from Winnie the Pooh, Razorback.  OK, scratch that last one.  He was a giant, killer boar that terrorized trailer trash all over the southwest.  For us Oklahomans … it was too close for comfort.

The Pig is a clear winner.  They’d fit right in with the fat, over-indulging American consumer.  Welcome, swine, welcome.

But …

The Oceans: Am I am being too land-focused?  Wouldn’t it make sense to have an animal companion that lived in a part of the world that we essentially had no access to?  What about a water dwelling species?

Part of me feels bad choosing another intelligent species from the lakes and oceans, which has essentially been mankind’s toilet since the start of the Industrial Age.  But I am super excited to see what kind of tools and technology an entire species forced to use flippers would develop.  It reminds me of the famous Gary Larson cartoon, “Cow Tools”.  What would they look like?  How would they work?  In fact, what would they even do?

There are four species that are up for consideration in my book from the ocean depths.  The shark.  I saw Jaws as a young kid, probably no older than 4 years old and I’ve been psychologically scarred for life.  In fact, growing up, we were so poor that we didn’t get a shower until we moved in with my grandma.  We were forced to take baths … and I just knew that Jaws would break through the bottom of the bathtub and kill me.  So I’d lie and say that I did.

Yeah … actually … I guess I WAS that kid in 3rd grade.  The stinky one.

Sharks are out.  I’d have to wear a Depends undergarment all day long because I’d piss myself every time I ran into one.  The drive thru at Long John Silvers.  The dentist.  The pool lifeguard.

Next are whales.  Just like in Star Trek when the Enterprise flies around the sun and rescues a humpback whale, brings it back to the future, to prevent the cosmic black dildo from destroying planet Earth.  For me, whales are the equivalent of lions, tigers, bears, and gorillas except in the water.  Plus, I’d hate to have to deal with the Green Peace “I told you so!” crap for the next two hundred years.

Consider this – whales eat plankton.  Lots of plankton.  If they were intelligent, then their population would explode as they found ways to overcome their environment and mortality risks, such as Japan.  Entire sections of the ocean would be set aside for plankton farming.  Um … inconvenient?  Yeah.

Plus, whales are huge.  There would have to be double facilities for everything.  Damn, I accidentally wondered into the whale men’s room and copped a yellow shower.  Nasty.

Plus, whales are huge.  I want to make sure I emphasize this properly.  I’d live in constant fear that my wife would discover the whale bone.  Geez, look at their names already – Sperm Whale, Humb Back Whale, Free Willy.  Let’s do the menfolk a huge favor and nix the whale.

Third?  The octopus.  This one is interesting, because they stretch, change color, have eight legs, and sleep in discarded pickle jars on the ocean floor.  But I’m going to veto them, because of one simple fact.  I saw Popeye when I was just a kid.  You know, the live action one with Robin Williams?  There was an Octopus in that movie … and I’m sure that the director never thought that it was supposed to be scary … but I was terrified of the beastie.   It’s a Jaws thing (see above).

The Verdict 2: And that leaves us with my fourth consideration, the dolphin.  They are friendly, agile, and not too big to be threatening.  Everyone says how smart they are already, but not smart enough to actually do anything cool except flips out of the water … which the Orca can do well enough already.  If Sea World did not have the dolphin, not a huge loss.  Plus … just think about it … if the dolphins WORKED there as animal handlers, they would be able to train aquatic animals that we would never even dream of.  Imagine the artistry of a man-o-war jellyfish leaping from the water to grab a fish from the mouth of a human spectator.

Beyond performing, dolphins already work closely with man performing vital tasks.  For instance, they are helpful by delivering depth charges and mines for the Navy SEALS and Al Qaeda.  Don’t believe me?  I know its true – dolphins are a unit in Red Alert 3.  They wear sonar amplifiers that can destroy ship hulls.  Now don’t you feel foolish?

And they have plenty of movies, such as Flipper and the two good dolphins that save the heroes in Jaws III: 3-D.  I just wonder how they would talk to us.  I’d have to think that Dolphin would be taught in primary school along with Spanish.  Imagine, forty 1st graders squeaking in unison in a supersonic frequency.

eeee-aeeee-aeeaaeee … “Good morning”

aaeaaiaiaia-aeraeraaa … “May I have more fish?”

I think the choices are clear.  For me its either Pigs or Dolphins.  What do you think?