I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the advice and lessons I plan on teaching my son as he goes through life.  Things that are universal in their truthfulness and patently useful in their frequency.  Right now he’s just 13 months old, so I’ve got some time to refine this list to make sure that its perfect.  I can already picture myself sitting down with my son on a fishing trip, just like Ward Cleaver.

And this is what I’ll say:

Sports

1. Learn the art of the jump shot.  Your knees may go, your quickness may leave you, your endurance may be gone, but by simply being able to shoot the mid-range jumper, you’ll be relevant on a basketball court into your 50s.

2. There are three types of softball players.  The clueless, the great fielder, and the power hitter.  Don’t be the power hitter that is only fat enough to hit a long out.  Either trim up or get really fat, choose one or the other, don’t suck at both.

3. Never lunge-in.  In every sport that has man on man defense, if you commit before the other guy, you’ll become a clip on his personal highlight reel.

4. It’s better to be Charlie Hustle than The Natural.  Trying your hardest every time translates better to other sports and, most importantly, to life.

Politics

5. No one cares about your opinion.  People only talk politics to A) find people that already agree with them or B) argue irrationally.  Either way you’re not changing anyone’s mind.

Religion

6. See Politics.

Women

7. Never, ever marry the first girl you kiss.  It never turns out well.

8. Women need to talk.  But you don’t always need to listen.

9. Don’t ever disrespect your mother.  There is not another person alive that will love you more.

10. Finding the right woman to be your wife is like hitting a baseball.  There is that right pitch waiting for you to hit a home run.  But … sometimes just getting on base is good enough.

11. Getting a hot girl has everything to do with what you say and nothing with what you can do.  If you are not a smooth talker, then get rich.  Very rich.

12. Rejection is like dog poop.  Everyone has stepped in it, but its still funny when it happens to other people.

13. Lift the seat.  This little act will not win you awards, but the first time you forget to do it, you’ll know what Hell feels like.

Friends

14. It’s okay to have one dumb ass friend.  It’s not okay if that’s your only friend.

15. Make sure that your brothers and sisters are friends as well as siblings.  They will be the only people with you for your entire life and the only people that will truly understand where you came from.

16. If a friend lies to the police to cover up something that you did, you cannot suddenly change your mind and turn yourself in.  Particularly within 30 seconds of the lie being told.  Yes, I am talking from personal experience.

17. Join a fraternity.  Yes, you are buying friends, but its a good investment.

18. Men and women can be just friends … so long as the girl is ugly.

Becoming A Man

19. Memorize every verse to the Gambler.  You can read every word written by Aristotle and Socrates and still not find better advice.  Consider it the Gospel of St. Kenny.

20. Its NOT okay to cry.  The only people that will tell it is are pushovers and women.  If you’ve been hit by gunfire rescuing POWs with only a combat knife, then you’re allowed a single tear … if no one is watching.

21. Your worthiness as a man will be judged publicly by the quality of your lawn.

22. If another boy beats up one of your younger siblings, you’re not welcome back in my house until you deal with it.  You’re nothing if you don’t stand up for your family.

23. There are a lot of ways to determine when you’ve become a man.  The surest way is the first time you go to buy a car by yourself.

24. When you grow up, you’re going to have to leave behind a lot of the juvenile antics of your youth.  But that does not include using a golf club to pitch dog turds into your neighbors yard at midnight.

25. Whenever you meet another man, quickly determine who would win in a fight. I guarantee you, he’s doing the same to you.

26. Never talk in anger.  Wait until you cool off enough to be sharply sarcastic.

27. Hold your alcohol.  If you are sick or hung over, do not tell everyone else that you’re afraid that you’re dying.  You will NEVER live it down.  Also, never pass out in public, even among friends.  Drunk people cannot be trusted.

28. If you get kicked in the nuts – don’t panic.  Just breathe deeply.  We’ll get through this together.

29. Get your son a dog.  It will teach him everything he needs to know about loyalty, friendship, life, and death.

30. The best stories of your life will be the ones that happen when you least expect it.

31. Always say yes to a road trip.  Remember, its not the destination, its the journey.  You’ll never be disappointed.

32. Never experiment with drugs, particularly those that you inject, swallow, snort, or cook.  Never smoke cigarettes.  You’ll appreciate it most when you’re 40 and your smoking friends hack up a tar-covered lung after taking the stairs.

Becoming A Father

33. The bathroom is your Fortress of Solitude, the toilet your throne.  Your poop smell will keep the others away, so learn to enjoy it.

34. It’s okay to secretly hope for a son to be born first.  It’s not as okay to tell your female relatives.

35. Every man should have The Chair.  A piece of furniture that is exclusive to you and that has been molded to the exact form of your ass cheeks.  You’ll know immediately if its been violated.  Guard it at all costs.

36. Make sure you’re right with God before your wife goes into labor.  You will never feel like you are gambling with more at stake then if something goes wrong.

37. Naming your children after your own parents is the best tribute to their success in raising you.

38. The first three months of parenthood are the best and worst three months you’ll never remember.

39. If you do your job right as a father, then the biggest punishment you can give your son is by saying “I’m disappointed.”

40. The first time your son sees you seriously hurt yourself, do your best to suck up the pain.  He will worship you for the rest of your life and brag to all of his friends.

41. Your child will be just as much a hellion and cause you just as much grief as you did.  It’s called Karma.

42. It doesn’t matter what your kid watches on TV or in the movies.  It matters what he watches you doing.

43. You’re the Dad, which means you will have to play the bad guy when he gets into trouble.  He’ll resent you, he may even hate you, but he’ll always respect you.  When he’s a dad, like you are now, he’ll understand and love you for it.

Old Age

44. As a young person, you will laugh at old people with hairy nostrils or sagging ears.  When you’re old, you will realize that you stopped caring about how you looked when you got married.

45. Old age is the results for how you lived your life.  If you did a good job, you’ll be surrounded by your children and grand children.  If you did a bad job, you can always buy a cat.

46. Children like money or toys as gifts.  Peanut brittle and cookies are just expected.

47. Its okay to ignore every rule or guideline that your adult child gives you for babysitting your grand kids.  Its your job to spoil them rotten and then return them as sugar-buzzed monsters.

48. The velocity of your pee stream is in direct correlation to your age.  When you are young, you could have used it for sand blasting.  When you are old, you’re just happy if it even comes out.

49. My grandparents sat in retirement villages, slurping pudding when they were older, listening to AM radio.  But don’t worry, you will be playing HALO and Twittering with retirees in China.

50. And finally … when your last day comes after a long and happy life and you finally pass on to the other side, whatever that may be, you can be sure of one thing.  I’ll be the first person waiting there to see you.

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