I started playing soccer when I was fifteen years old.   Even for Stillwater, Oklahoma, that is a late start. I had no foot skills, no positional awareness, no passing touch, and no aerial or striking ability.  My mom got me a $15 pair of Umbro plastic cleats that didn’t fit.  To make matters worse, this was my first foray into organized athletic competition.  In fact, it was truly my first foray into ANY type of athletic competition.  I was lacking even the basic skills of running, jumping, and injury avoidance.

In soccer, when you have no skills, no speed, no strength, measure in at 5′ 8″ and 130 pounds, you get stuck at defense.  And to make matters worse, you’re put at right outside defender.  This is the position that requires the least amount of skill, experience, or intelligence. I’ll explain why in just a few paragraphs.

And Stillwater soccer was atrociously bad.  My first year, our goal differential for an 12 game season was 110-1.  We scored 1 goal and it was on a penalty kick.  A penalty kick that was retaken because the goalie jumped early.  Our girls team got beat 25-0, which led to league legislation for a run rule that is still in effect this day.  I think they call it the Pioneers Rule.

As I got older and a little better (key word – little), I started moving up the field until now I moonlight as an attacking midfielder or even a striker.  Since I have toured most of the positions on the soccer pitch, let me give you a quick insight into the psychology of the position and my own contributing thoughts at the time I was playing each.

Wing Back (Right): This position traditionally requires the least amount of physical ability or soccer skill unless you play for Brazil and specialize in overlapping runs, etc.  Here’s why this is the position for TIMMY!  Odds are that the most talented forward will be right-footed and will play on the opposite side of the field, leaving me to guard the second best forward.

In our high school formation (4-4-2), there were four defenders in the back.  One wing back for each side.  The stopper attacked the ball as soon as it entered the defensive area and the sweeper played clean up behind everyone.  So even marking the second best forward, I still had a safety net behind me.  At the time that safety net was a guy named Mike (Moore or Thomas).

As a Stillwater wing back, you don’t see the ball except when the striker is running at full pace down the sideline.  Your job is basically 1) delay until the defense can recover, 2) kick the ball seventy five yards out of bounds, or 3) worst case foul outside of the box or center of the field.  Pretty simple, right?

Most of the game, I was praying that no one came down my side because I was so terrified of being exposed as a complete schmuck with my thumb up my butt.  My first game, I was playing my treasured wing back position.  It’s the second half and we’re already losing 3-0 against a team with two girls playing on it.  The forward stops and kneels with the ball at his feet just in front of me.  This was my first game and I was thinking he was doing something official – like calling a timeout, resting, calling for medical treatment.  No idea.  My mind was racing on what he could possibly be doing.  My sweeper, Mike, yelled at me urgently “Get him!  Get him!”

So … I ran right at him and proceeded to get perfectly braziled.  That’s when he taps the ball on one side of you and runs around the other, letting your over commitment completely take you out of the play.  Now I know he wasn’t signalling a time out or pausing for a moment of reflection for world hunger.  Nope, he had found his bitch on the soccer pitch and was setting up his highlight reel.

Stopper: After a few years of horrid losing I began to play a little in the center of the field in club and intramural soccer.  The stopper plays at the top of the defensive diamond and his goal is to challenge any opposing player that comes down the center of the field.  Again his responsibilities are fairly simple – delay, disposses, or damage.  The sweeper is the great eraser of the defense and can correct most mistakes.  Again the sweeper was played by a guy named Mike.

I was excited about playing stopper, because my growing abilities gave me a false sense of confidence.  When we’d array out into our formation before the game, I’d proudly call out “I’m a stopper.”  I got to see the ball more, though I did not have it at my feet, I was defending against it.  This time, though when I booted the shit out of the ball, it was more likely to stay in play as I was kicking it from the center of the field.  Thus, I could pretend that when it landed near one of my players that I was starting the fast break.

I also loved being able to attack the ball in the air.  I am short, can’t jump, but because of my pal Mikey Moore, I got a fascination for heading the ball.  Watching pro soccer it was the one thing that the defenders could do on either side of the field better than the attackers.  Of course, I didn’t realize that those players were also 6′ 2″.  Whatever.  In my heart, I was Alexei Lalas.

Sweeper: This position was created by Reichstadt legend, Franz Beckenbauer, and has become one of the favored formations in world soccer.  He is known among the football faithful as the Kaiser.  I guess that is the Teutonic in your face to Pele being known as El Rei.  The sweeper is a thinking man’s position.  They have to keep an eye on the three defenders in front of them and then commit when the defense starts to break down.

This is not as simple as it seems, because its really a threat assessment scenario.  The player with the ball might seem like the biggest threat, but really its the attacker streaking through the box looking for a cross or a through ball that presents the most danger.  This is the most tactical position in the defense and rivals the center midfielder for control of the field.  The sweeper has to vocalize, organize his defense, and as the last obstacle before the keeper, has to commit to sure tackles.

I probably started playing Sweeper after about five years of playing.  I still had almost no foot skills or on-ball composure, but I was slowly learning how to pass to space and positional tactics.  Of course, the single area of my game that was developed was my heading ability.  I was like a 5-year old kid that had the arm of hairy sailor.  That type of soccer dysmorphism in talent perfectly describes players coming out of Oklahoma.

Outside Midfielder: This was as close as I came to center midfield.  Traditionally, center mid is the most difficult position to play because you have to have strength to hold the ball, excellent passing touch to start the attack, foot skills to navigate through traffic, an endless motor to support the defense or the offense, field vision, and positional awareness for every position on the field.

So I played on the sideline.  Basically, you track the other outside midfielder on defense and then stay on the sideline looking for a switch or an outlet pass.  Then you can either feed it back into the midfield or bring it up the side of the field.  Rarely you might get to take a shot on goal.  Defensively you could get away with making a weak challenge or marking space without the weight of the game on your shoulders.  It was freeing of the pressure of mistake free football.  Very intoxicating for a guy with no composure on the field.

This position was the most exciting so far.  I had no idea what I was doing and found myself drifting back into the defensive third more than I should.  I did have a good motor (still no speed) so running up and down the sideline was fine, but I lacked a good cross.  This is an aerial pass that needs to be a bending, driven ball into the box to create volley or heading opportunities.  To this day, I cannot cross the ball with any consistency.  This is one reason why David Beckham is a world celebrity.

Attacker: I started playing this position out of frustration.  As I got older and no longer in college, I stopped playing organized soccer.  All of my games were pick-up scrimmages with random people.  No one plays defense in those games.  For someone that has a little defensive pedigree, it is frustrating as hell to defend against a  6-1 break away.  So selfishly, I said screw it, I’m playing attack.

And I loved it.

Attack is for the people that do not feel guilt over being selfish, me-first, or that get hung up on screwing up.  The next time I get the ball, I’m shooting regardless if I just shanked 15 shots 45 feet over the goal.  You also get addicted to the glory and the ability to embarass less talented players (see my wing back story above).

I’m not the mercurial striker with the ball on a string ala Cristiano Ronaldo.  I’m not the long range threat like a Wayne Rooney.  I’ve got good aerial ability, but nothing like Oliver Bierhoff.  The best way I can describe my attacker style is a combination of Van Nistelrooy (an opportunitist that has a lot of ugly, tap-in goals) mixed with a Joe Cole (contentious scrapper with flashes of misleading brilliance).

From playing a lot of indoor soccer or pick-up games on very small street hockey courts, I’ve got decent passing skills in tight situations.  I can normally pick out my strike partner to put him in a good spot or I’ll pull out a random dribbling move that so surprises my defender because I never attempt any razzle-dazzle shit that I sometimes get free.  My shot varies from surprising to pathetic, depending on the day.

The strange thing is that I have chronic knee injuries to the point that I play without pain in either or both knees maybe 1 out of 4 sessions.  But somehow I normally find myself either scoring goals or in great opportunities every game.  Of course, if I had to play the offsides rule I might set a record outside of Mexican soccer leagues for offsides.

I’m not saying that I am great, good, or even average at soccer.  I’m just saying that I’m Lucky.