1. I was born in Oklahoma in 1976.  The pro-sports wasteland.  Sure, we’ve got the Thunder now … but for 200 years prior to that we had zilch.  Nada.  Nothing.

2. My dad was Army and we moved throughout the Southwest to various bases.  In fact, I’ve moved so often, even after the second separation, I wondered if it was a federal mandate that my family become migrant workers.

3. Both of my parents were high school nerds.  They had no sports passions to pass onto me.

All of these factors have contributed to the fact that I am a Free Agent Fan.

The only sports team that was embedded in my childhood was The Oklahoma State University Cowboys.  When I wasn’t moving around the continental United States, I was with my grandma and she lived 2 blocks from campus.  I fondly remember walking my dog through the bush gardens and Theta Pond even when I was in elementary school.  Every family member went to OSU.  My mom taught Sociology at OSU.  I got two degrees from OSU … and still owe them several thousand dollars in student loans … wanna call it even?

I was just little too young to enjoy the Barry Sanders, Hart Lee Dikes, Mike Gundy, and Thurman Thomas era (1983-85).  My dad was out of the picture at that point (not that it would have mattered, but that’s another column) and there were no male role models to get me vested in sports.  I was in second and third grade at the time.  But I fully remember the second half of the Pat Jones years (18-45-1).  And the entire Bob Simmons reign (30-38).  In fact, in 1991 we did not win a single game. Well, this has galvanized me on one big thing about sports.

I hate losing.  I hate losers.

I’ve forgone the American tradition of cheering for the underdog and instead I pull for the heavy favorites.  I love domination.  I love blowouts.  I love dynasties.  I’m sure that I would have paddled my Benedict Arnold ass back to England during the Revolutionary War.  You know why?  Because I’ve been cheering for the underdog my entire life.  Your OSU Cowboys!  We’re not rebuilding, we’re retreating.

There is no such thing as the lovable losers.  There are just losers.

When I’m flipping around the TV to watch a team, I don’t want to cheer for ineptitude.  When I watch March Madness, I cheer for UNC or Arizona or Kansas, because I can feel confident that they will win.  (I still hate Duke though).  I have no emotional investment in any of these teams, so why pick a team that sucks?  Why should I suffer through their droughts of suckitude?  I already do that with my alma mater.

The best way I can convey the feeling to others is how it feels when you first pick a European soccer team to cheer for.  How many people from New Jersey randomly decide that Wigan Athletic is their team, rain or shine?  Mostly rain.  Lots of rain.  No, you find a team that is good.  You find a team that has good players.  That’s why all of Asia loves Manchester United, Liverpool, Chelsea, Real Madrid, Barcelona, etc.  If asked, I will tell you I am half-Brazilian, half-German, half-Italian, half-Argentine, and half-Zinedine Zidanese.

It doesn’t help that the only teams that we got to watch in Oklahoma were the best teams anyway.  We normally get the national fed.  Which means I was alternatively a Celtics fan, a Lakers fan, a Bulls fan, a Rockets fan, etc.  I was on the front-line of the front-runners, I was the pole vaulter of the bandwagon jumpers, cheering my newly adopted heroes and idols … until they lost, got old, or started sucking.  Then it was a quick departure onto the next Big Thing.  Lebron, here I come.

Yet …

I’ve decided that to truly enjoy sports, I’m going to have to pick a team and stick with it.  Most Oklahomans have done what I’m about to do.  They picked a team that was awesome at the time they started watching sports and have stuck with them ever since.  Case in point – my fraternity roommate BJ, a diehard Detroit Pistons fan.  Born and raised in Duncan, Oklahoma … I’m sure that if you like the Bad Boy Pistons with Lambeer and Isaiah means you also cut yourself with a razor like Michael Bien in the Abyss.

Anyway, I’ve filled up my Fan Roster with one exception.  And I’m asking for suggestions.

But first …

Football: Other than the previously mentioned NCAA allegiance, my grid iron team is the Buffalo Bills.  Yep.  I’ve never been to New York.  I’ve never been within 200 miles of New York.  In fact, I’ve never met anyone from Buffalo.  I don’t like Buffalo wings.  I have no predilection for Bill Cody (the real Buffalo Bill) or Jame Gumb (the Silence of the Lambs Buffalo Bill with his peter tucked between his legs).  And I think the Juice was guilty … both times.

This one is simple though.  I like the Bills because 1) when I first heard about them they were in the Superbowl against the Redskins.  That made them WINNERS!  And 2) they had Thurman Thomas as their starting RB, which connected me back to OSU.  Little did I know that despite being the most WINNING team in the 1990s with HoF players and coaches, they would become a long standing joke of ineptitude.  Imagine my disappointment when I endured two more losing Superbowls with my cackling friend, Trent, a Dallas Cowboy fan sitting right next to me.

But I had decided, they were my guys.

Basketball: This one was tougher, because its much easier to cheer for players rather than teams in the NBA.  For example, I’m an MJ disciple.  You could sooner convince me that you can produce grape Shasta out of your colon and even get me to drink it than tell me that he’s not the greatest basketball player ever.  I don’t care if he gambled, I don’t care if he sucked at baseball, I don’t care if he voted for Ralph Nader.  Screw Wilt.  Screw Kobe.  Screw Le… um … let’s hold off on King James for a bit longer.

When I was a kid, my grandma took in borders, Asian international students.  And one of them was a Japanese martial artist named Kuo.  I saw him practicing kicks in the upstairs kitchen as he loosened up to go fight a bunch of rednecks that were picking on other Asian students.  I found his screw embedded morning star in the hallway closet that he used in said honor duels.  He was involved in illegal, underground, street wars.  Just like the movies.  And that … was … awesome.

Kuo, being an Asian exchange student, was also a free agent fan.  And he liked Larry Bird.  So he watched the Celtics on our large-screened, wood paneled, floor model, analogue TV downstairs.  So I inadvertently chose them as my team.  Plus, they were similar in their logos to the Fighting Catholics of Notre Dame.  Plus, as a white man, I know that its my obligation to love Larry Bird, just as it is to defend the legacy of Marciano.  So it all worked.

But … there were other teams that I liked.  Because of players.  Like the Phoenix Suns because of Kevin Johnson, Dan Majerle, and Sir Charles.  Or the Philadelphia 76ers because of AI, Chocolate Sexy Aaron McKie, Eric Snow, and Raja Bell.  And I lived in Dallas for about 3 years just when Nash & Dirk Diggler were getting good.

And did I mention Lebron?

Or D-Wade?  You know I did go to Marquette for a year, so I’d be okay in making Miami my team, right?  Oh wait, they suck.  Nevermind.

With all of this distraction, I found that I always kept an eye on the Boston Celtics.  Plus, they won the title last year.  They’ve got KG, they’ve got Pierce, and they’ve got Jesus Shuttlesworth.  So … they are my team.

Soccer: It’s not that I don’t love soccer (proper football) the most out of all the sports (read here, here, and here), but in Oklahoma … and without the invention of the Internet … there was no way to watch it, follow it, or anything.  So I arrived pretty late to the party in looking around for a European team to follow.

My first instinct was to follow Juventus out of my love for Roberto Baggio (high-lighted for my Okie eyes in WC 1994 USA).  But … I soon discovered that all Italian players are whiny, pre-Madonna, crybaby, greasy haired, Euro-trash.  And that was just not what I was wanting from my fandom.

Then I thought of the Germans.  I’m an 1/8 German (my grandfather’s middle name is Wolfgang for example), so I was naturally willing to look past the Nazi/Commie thing for the sake of picking a team from the Bundesliga.  I liked Klinnsmen and Bierhoff.  I loved Beckenbauer … I play defender, its a requirement.  But … their league got the least amount of exposure of the four great leagues.

Which leaves La Liga and the EPL.  Every Tom, Dick, and Harry were jumping on the ManU and Real Madrid bandwagons at the time.  So I looked another place.  In said WC 1994 USA, there was a new, amazing English talent.  He had scored one of the great goals of the World Cup.  Michael Owen.  And he played for Liverpool.  He was small, fast, and if you squint … with one eye closed … spinning in a circle … he kinda even looks like me.

Done and done.  Liverpool is me club, mate.  Plus, it helps that Gerrard is a soccer stallion.

Hockey: If the league hadn’t folded a few years ago, I’d have picked the Colorado Avalanche … not because they won Stanley Cups.  But because in NHL ‘94 on Sega Genesis, the old Quebec Nordiques had the coolest uniforms.  When they moved in 1995, my heart went with them.  Too bad for the league though …

What?  They still play?  STFU … they do not.  Really?

Which leaves me with my final roster spot …

Baseball: My natural inclination of course is to pick the Yankees.  And for every reason that other non-NYC Yankee fans get made fun of for.  Yeah, I want to cheer for a winner, so what.  But, I don’t like A-Rod.  I don’t like Hank Steinbrenner (son of Darth George).  And there is no way that I’m cheering for the Boston Red Sox.  Firstly, I’ve got the Celtics already … and my admitted mancrush on Tom Brady (he’s a Catholic, you know).  Plus, I think Red Sox fans are the most annoying fans on the planet … second only to UT fans.  Longhorns.  Ugh.

So … I’m wandering who I should choose.  Can you help me?

I was thinking about the Cleveland Indians … for Major League I and II, but not III.

How about the Atlanta Braves?  They’re a well managed franchise and are always relevent.  Remember, I don’t want to cheer for a loser.

But that makes me think that maybe the biggest losers, the Chicago Cubs, are due … like the Red Sox were in 2004 … and if I start cheering for them now, particularly since they are threatening to break their own curse, then I won’t look like a front runner when they win one.  Right?

Send me your ideas – only USA teams, no Japanese, only MLB, no AA or AAA or AAAA or whatever.  All suggestions are welcome and will be considered.  My tenure as a Free Agent Fan is nearly at an end.