I just read on CNN.com, my daily news source, that the latest recruiting video released from Al Qaeda Productions is styled as a slick, Jihad reality show with an overt hip hop flavor.  You down with AQP?  This time its not Afghanistan.  Its not Iraq.  Its Somalia.  And its personal.  Their fearless leader?  An American Muslim (who looks white or at least whitish) named al-Amriki of Al-Shabaab is their public face and actually raps on the video.

Don’t believe me?  Here’s the link to the original story.

I had a few other columns lined up this week, but I quickly pushed them aside to devote proper attention to this breaking news item.  When I read this story, I literally poured battery acid into my colon to dislodge the sinking feeling of the end of the world.  I can’t believe that the MTV Generation has now intersected with Blackhawk Down.  Are we to expect a new crop of raw, street rep rappers banging the hoods of Mogadishu?

So Al-Shabaab is basically a white guy with a cro-magnon brow and a Quest for Fire beard.  You know … the kind of beard that the Muslims secretly fear that they’ll get if they don’t get good chin coverage?  You know … the beard that has no neckfur … only jaw tufts?  I keep expecting him to start grunting with a few chest beats while groping Rae Dawn Chong with one hand and holding a burning twig in the other.

Here’s the other thing – this dude is white.  Sure, he may be an Arab or Egyptian, but his skin color?  He might as well be from Mayberry.  If I grow a beard (too itchy, I tried) and wore a turbin, that doesn’t make me any darker than my pseudo-Latino skin already appears to be.  It’s just accessorizing out of your whiteness, but unsuccessfully so.

Which makes me wonder – the white guy is recruiting in the black neighborhood – so he naturally tailors his message with rap and hip hop.  Apparently, even the Holy Jihad is tainted with racial stereotypes.  Maybe Al Qaeda should offer sports scholarships.  I can see Bin Laden consulting with the rest of the Pentaverat (the international circle of evil) in their concrete bunker in North Korea, playing cards with Hitler’s cryogenically preserved head.

Stalin: “I am now dealer.  Ante up, bitches.  I’m talking to you, Mao, you cheap bastard!”

Mao: “The People’s Poker Hand will raise the ante by seven thousand yuan.”

Himmler: “Vas ist das?  Dat is like 14 American cents, you cheap bastard!”

Mel Gibson: “So … Osammy, how’s the war against the Jews going, mate?”

Bin Laden: “It goes as well as can be expected.  We’ve working with a new marketing firm, the KeyMaster, on a new Google campaign for Bulgaria.  What’s the name of the guy we’ve got down there now?  And how will we know when we’re getting some results?”

Vins Clorfu: “Gozer the Traveler.  He will come in one of the pre-chosen forms. During the rectification of the Vuldrini, the traveler came as a large and moving Torg! Then, during the third reconciliation of the last of the McKetrick supplicants, they chose a new form for him: that of a giant Slor!  Many Shuvs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Slor that day, I can tell you!”

Bin Laden: “Right, right …  Anyhoo, now we want to get more Africans involved in the slaughter of the Great Satan.”

Himmler: “Ja, Ja, ve also recruited the schwarz-mensch for ze Reichstadt, but wit little success.”

Mel Gibson: “I’ve got some connections with the black community.  Want me to call Danny Glover?”

Dick Cheney: “Just be careful … you bring Them in, make Them feel welcome, and then They betray you for the first black presidential candidate to pop up.”

Ann Coulter: “Ooh, ooh!  I have an idea!  Have you tried the booty-grinder music?  You know … like … that Soulja Boy?  Or Little Bow Wow?”

I think I’ve heard the same hard pitch with the Army Recruiters when I was back in high school.  Some high school dropout, shorn scalp and head shaped like a lump of old Play-doh, rolling over to me with this: “Hey, there, youngster.  You like to rock and roll?  How about shelling a civie village with high explosive, uranium rounds at 2000m from an M1A1 Abrams Assault Tank.  You’ll never feel more alive.”

Maybe the Mormons should change tactics as they ride their bicycles through South Central.  “DJ John Smith in da house!  He’s real modest, he’s real quaint … but have you heard of the Latterday Saints?”

The Somali group putting out the recruiting video is named Al-Shabaab.  Just a quick note, why do all Muslim jihadis always have names that sound like you could order from a barbecue restaurant.  “Give me, the pork Al-Shabaab with extra sauce and chopped onions.” And another thing, why do I want to break out into Barbara Ann by the Beach Boys whenever I say their name.

Al-Amriki, or simply Abu, is rhyming about living in Somalia and what he plans to do to the Christian world.  You know, the staples of rap lyrics.  I believe KRS-1 started it all when he wrote the definitive IED ballad in 1984.  Here is an actual sample of lyrics taken from the video, which runs about 18 minutes.

“Mortar by mortar, shell by shell, only going to stop when I send them to hell.”

Let’s hope that this was free-styling … because quite frankly he’s not going to advance in I Want to Work for Diddy.  Even Dizzee Rascal spits better shit than this … and not even other British people can understand that dude.  Our boy, Al-Shabaab, definitely needs to update his rap rolodex.  I can see heavy influences from Coolio ala 1995.  Check this verse out from Gangsta’s Paradise and see if you can find Waldo:

Power in the money, money in the power,
Minute after minute, hour after hour,
Everybody’s running, but half of them ain’t looking
It’s going on in the kitchen
But I don’t know what’s cooking.
They say I gotta learn
But nobody’s here to teach me.
If they can’t understand it, how can they reach me?

Do you see it?

One year, I rewrote holiday classics into raunchy limericks for a fraternity Christmas party with better success than this – Deck the Halls, Jingle Bells, you can imagine.  But for what its worth, apparently its working.  Somalis all over the USA are saying that back home there is a growing influence of fundamental, extremist Islam growing like crazy.

This only proves one thing – Somalia’s hip hop IQ is the equivalent of MC Eiht and Gerardo.  I can only imagine what the message will be like if Al Qaeda gets a hold of K-Fed’s latest abomination.  Christendom shudders at the possibility.

I’ll finish the rant with this … the video has got me thinking.  Apparently, the production quality of the video is getting better, which means that old ass Bin Laden and their pals are calling in the 13-year old, porn-addicted Jihadis to help them edit it on the computer.  What other types of videos might be released?

• Workplace Safety – the proper handling and operation of dynamite vests in the workplace.
• Continuing Education – now that you’ve mastered Shoe Throwing, its time to enroll in Stinger Dodging
• Survivor XIV: Tora Bora
• The Tony Montana School of Cash Crops: The Poppy Edition
• Cooking Halal!  on today’s menu – dirt cakes and rain water
• Best of the Iron Sheik
• Proper Hygiene, Vol 1: Braiding Your Back Hair
• Proper Hygiene, Vol 2: Maintaining Your Pubic Beard
• Keeping Up with the Kardashians – Uncut
• The Chris Brown School of Romance
• Avoid Sexual Harassment – if one of your co-workers is mistreating a female employee, be sure to stone her to death immediately

By the way, congrats to anyone that found the Ghostbusters and So I Married Axe Murderer references in this column.  Ciao.

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