I’m 32 years old.  And that is saying something. It’s quite an accomplishment considering where I’ve been and what I’ve done.  For example, I was voted ‘Most Likely to be Arrested in a Drug Cartel Raid’ by my middle school.  To make matters worse, my mouth has written so many checks that my ass can not cash that I’ve had to declare Glutus Chapter 11.

Most males in my family have a habit of shuffling off the mortal coil by their mid-fifties – either by heart attack, by cancer, or by train.  So its safe to say that if I haven’t already entered my middle years then its fast approaching.  And with middle age comes the mid-life crisis where men leave their wives, date teenagers, and buy phallic monster SUVs.  So with that in mind, let’s start making some plans on how I’m going to wig out.

Here’s 30 ideas to recapture my youth and mourn the sad, pathetic direction that my life has taken.

1. It’s time to put away my DJ Quik, MC Hammer, and Technotronic albums … and by albums I mean illegally downloaded songs off the Internet sorted by artist on my MP3 player.  From now on I will only listen to Lady Gaga, Soulja Boy, and Kelly Clarkson.  If I want to punch myself in the face when I first hear their music, then it’s for me.

2. I’m already preparing my early entry admissions forms into Ninja School.  It’s one of those dreams that I let the Man take away from me.  Just like being a false eunuch in a Turkish harem.  Or being the starting center on the Vietnamese National Basketball team.

3. Right now I drive a sensible Honda CRV Sport, complete with all the safety features and child seat.  I’m turning that in and getting an H3!  Oh wait, the H3 is the SUV of choice for the sorority queen?  And Hummer has been sold to a Chinese consortium?  Shit balls.  Ok, I’ll buy a Prius.

4. When I was young every self respecting young man wore pants five sizes too large, sagging around their junk and crack.  Now?  I’m going to wear Euro-trash, pegged jeans three sizes too small with over-sized vintage Jordans or the closest Chinese knock-offs that $10 can buy.

4b. Also, put me down for the Cristiano Ronaldo greaser mullet.  That Ronaldo’s so hot right now.

5. I’ll start a blog on the World Wide Web.  That’s cool, right?  Hello?

6. Maybe it’s time to start checking out the commercials for the Advanced Medical Institute on late night, Australian TV.  I DO want a Stronga, Longa, Donga!  I do, I do!

7. Instead of ruining my knees playing Saturday soccer … I’ll instead ruin my knees mastering the Crip Walk.  I’m almost there … all of my Asian friends tell me so.  And I can still use my blue suede Sambas.

8. I’m going to create a huge vat of Nair, the hair removal stuff, and just lay down in it.  Marinate for 15 minutes and then rinse.  Repeat as necessary.

9. When the big summer movies come out which is winter Down Under, I’m gonna be first in line and talk incessantly during the movie as the #1 super-fan.  I’m gonna make stupid jokes and throw popcorn at other patrons.  I’m gonna complain that they’ve broken canon with Star Trek or Wolverine and back-up my points with detailed references to out-of-print graphic novels.  Shit – I already do that.

10. I’m going to stop drinking Corona and start taking whippets and X.  Let’s get this party started!  I can’t wait to flip out on a dance floor, covered in sweat and delusional as if I were in a rave in Ibitha, only to collapse in my own piss and vomit while my friends debate which dumpster to hide me behind to avoid getting in trouble.  Man, I can’t wait.

11. One word – Sexting.  I may have to break out some Nantz-isms.  The Quail.  The Heartbeat.

12. This is a hard one for me … I will … gulp … no longer proclaim Jordan to be the greatest basketball player ever.  I will tell everyone that it is … Lebron … Ok … how about a tie instead?

13. I will stop quoting movies from before 2000.  Which completely eliminates Cool Hand Luke, Excalibur, Ace Ventura, Day of the Dead, Raising Arizona, Jaws, Good Will Hunting, and A Time to Kill.  Alright, alright, maybe one last time.  “Yes, they deserve to die and I hope they burn in HELL!”

14. Sign me up for WoW.  I insist on being a Troll Healer that only uses a magical dirk.

15. Here comes the South Beach Diet and a raging case of bulemia.

16. Time to develop an encyclopedic knowlege of Gossip Girl, the Hills, and Road Rules Challenge.  That Heidi is such a bitch.  Seriously.

17. I’m going to engineer a make-over.  My new look will be a combination of David Beckham and Zoolander.  Now if I can only convince my wife to go for a mix of Posh and Lil Kim.

18. I’m not balding (yet), but its all about preventive medicine.  I’m going to start freebasing Rogaine, Propecia, and just for kicks let’s through in some Lipitor as well.  Maybe I’ll even try smoking it through a glass pipe just like Pookie.

19. Implants.  Pec, calf, penile.  You name it I’ll try it.

20. Maybe I’ll take a seven year, soulful sojourn in Tibet exorcising my white guilt.  If I do, I promise not to make a shitty movie about it.

21. I’m going to start a new breed of organized crime families.  We’ll focus on the international distribution of DVD bootleg copies of German porn.  My recruitment will focus exclusively on washout NFL players.  Meet my consigliere, Michael Vicko.  Also, I feel bad for the Inuits, so we’ll put them in the family, too.

22. Time to start pretending that the G-8 and international banks are the true face of evil.  At the next economic summit, I’m going to dress like the Grim Reaper holding the effigy of a banker hung by a noose and throw hardened horse turds at riot police while covering my mouth with a wet scarf to fight off the tear gas.

23. Let’s continue my fight against prostate cancer by increasing my activity levels back to once a week.  Hmmm.  Maybe every other week.  This one is gonna be hard, I already have tennis elbow.

24. Metrosexualism.  I’ll need to tap my gender-bender friends for advice on moisturizers, cuticles, etc.  I have shaved my legs in the past, but I get razor burn in the most uncomfortable of places so maybe I’ll leave that off the list.  TMI?

25. I will start dreaming in l33t.  “O bb, O bb, u r tha bst!”

26. I’m going to download and install every application for the iPhone and Facebook that I see.  It doesn’t matter the purpose or the cost.  My goal is to get so much SPAM and to bog down my system so much that I can’t even make a call without the iPhone smoldering with sparks.  Put me down for ring tones, as well.

27. Is being fat cool yet?  It’s so much easier than abs.  I figure by season 9 of the Biggest Loser it will be.  I’m not fat, but if I focused on it for a calendar year, I’m sure I could be Orca fat.  Or at least Janet Reno fat.

28. To beat the trend, I predict that the new pop culture fad to replace black urbanism will be rural Maori.  I’m gonna be rocking my tribal tats and grass skirt at the club starting this Saturday.  Let’s nose kiss, baby.

29. I’m going to re-enroll as a college Freshman.  Instead of going back to OSU, I’m going to put the following colleges onto a dart board and throw for my new destination: UCLA, Tulane, Miami, and UNLV.  I will then start a gambling ring, join another fraternity, and major in Home Brewery.

30. I am going to buy one ticket out of the Las Vegas airport that will allow me through security and then I will just live there like Tom Hanks.  Then whenever I see a celebrity if B-level or higher, I will try to hang out with them, buy them drinks, laugh at their jokes, and desperately try to join their entourage.  In only two layovers in LV, I saw Vince Vaughn, Kenyon Martin, and Erik Estrada (Poncherello).  I’m telling you – this could work.