David Beckham.  Becks.  Piss Drinker.

Yep, the USA has officially turned on Beckham and Posh.  He is arguably the most recognizable person on the planet.  Japanese teenagers are throwing their Hello Kitty panties at him just as Jamaican witch doctors are asking for his holy blessing on their Santeria altars.  But here in the United States, the country that adopted Bend It Like Beckham as its ambiguously lesbian coming of age movie, the same country that eagerly embraced him as the savior of American soccer … we hates him.

We’re not drinking the Becks Kool Aid no more.  And here’s why …

A few years ago, America’s Major League Soccer (MLS) took a huge gamble on bringing over this footballer that had played at the heights of international soccer with Manchester United and Real Madrid.  Now he was sporting the kit of the anonymous LA Galaxy.  It was widely (and wrongly) reported that he was signed onto a $250 million five year deal.  Of course, that number was hugely inflated with merchandising rights, advertising agreements, and bribes from Satan.

You know that this was a global event, because I routinely spend half of my week in Bendigo, Australia – a country town in rural Australia – and in their Sports Co. were a rack of David Beckham LA Galaxy jerseys.  There wasn’t a single Kobe or LBJ jersey to be had.  And of course, they were grossly over priced.  I mean they were after all LA Galaxy jerseys…  Let me just remind you that proper football is the fourth sport here (Aussie rules, cricket, and rugby).  It’s not like its the #1 sport … in fact, there is the same big football insecurity that Aussie Rules has towards soccer that the NFL possesses.

He came over, injured, and wasn’t able to play.  Immediately, the media pundits jumped off the bandwagon and began killing him in shows like PTI and Around the Horn.  But even when he did play, the Galaxy weren’t any better.  Oh sure, he had a few highlight clips, like the one below:

Truth be told, the goal was not really that spectacular … considering that Becks took a double hop to get it into the frame, but it happens to rarely to catch a keeper out that it makes a good, but not great highlight.  Regardless, the damage was done.  The fabricated TV personalities had created their straw man of soccer savior and then gladly and easily tore him down.

But the soccer faithful stood by him, because we knew that his game would not save USA soccer.  Firstly, USA soccer doesn’t actually need saving.  We’re not the WNBA.  In fact, we’re not even the NHL.  We did recognize that bigger stars and a higher quality of proper football in an American league would draw more viewers.  But we knew immediately before he ever touched a ball on the pitch that his game would disappoint the unwashed, Yankee, soccer illiterati.

Becks is a distributor.  At his ripe, old age, he had no speed or quickness.  His fitness was questionable with his tendency towards injury.  With those limitations and the fact that he played the second half of his career on the wing in Madrid, he would not get a lot of possession.  Let’s be clear, Beckham’s cross is about the most beautiful aerial ball in world soccer.  Driven, in-swinging, and deadly accurate.

But … he doesn’t score goals (see Drogba).  Nor does he break ankles with step overs (see Robinho).  Nor does he score the occasional, inhuman strike (see Gerard).  Nope, he only puts in crosses and mostly on set pieces.  Welcome to America … land of the And1 tapes.

The soccer purists stuck with him.  We defended him against all of the haters, all of the ignorance.  He’s not Vince Carter, he’s Jason Kidd.  Plus, the teenie boppers still gushed as he prowled the sidelines, pretending to look troubled like a British James Dean.  It didn’t really matter that Becks and Posh have the combined mental power of Swing Blade.  Not really.

Then Italy swept in like a dirty, diseased harlot putting her hands all over our Becks.  First, it was an Italian head coach that broke the Becks ban on the English national team.  Then it was AC Milan offering to let him play in the off-season to keep him match fit.  Italy – Beckham.  The ultimate match of superficiality super-ego.

He loved it and made it clear that he expected to stay.  Ole Davey boy proceeded to poo poo on our soccer to the international media using the spacey, girlie voice that has graced international soccer for more than a decade.  Well … too bad for Becky that the LA Galaxy didn’t sell him.  They didn’t release him.  His ass was coming back to Los Angeles.

This is where it gets bloody.  Mr. USA Soccer, Landon, blasted him a tell-all book.  Bad team.  No commitment.  Bad captain.  Lazy runner.  Aloof and superior.  He all but called him a poof.  Becks denied it, tried to take the high road, but put Landon under the boss by omission and again acted as if he was above the petty dramas of the USA media.

Here’s the thing about us Yankees.  We’re naturally xenophobic, but we hate hate hate English snobbery.  Blame the Revolutionary War … or the War of 1812 … but we like our Brits like Tony Blair, Monty Python, or the Beatles.  When Beckham came back with his holier than thou attitude, we turned on the Benedict Arnold faster than eating a double whopper with cheese.

Already he’s had two confrontations with fans … in his HOME stadium.  One of the fans was wearing an English jersey.  And like a true professional, he jumped the barrier and tried to run into the stands.  Of course, security was conveniently available to pull him back so that he looked tough and hood without actually having to get his royal pommie arse in any danger.

So here’s where we are right now:

• Beckham is stuck here until AC Milan ponies up more money
• USA fans delight in torturing arrogant queens which means this is only going to get worse
• USA fans already think that all soccer players are mommy’s boys
• Posh is borderline hot and ugly, just depends on how much she vomits that day
• Becks is 47 years old – can’t run or play without popping out his hip
• He’s alienated the only relevant USA player over 20 years of age
• David will continue to skip overseas as Capello calls him up to underachieve for England
• He’s the face of USA soccer just as we peaked at the Confederations Cup
• … and he’s still on the hook for several million US dollars that could have been used to get some other over-the-hill, aging, foreign soccer player … like Romario or Batistuta.

David Beckham, I hate you.

I hate you.  I hate you.  I hate you.

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