I’ve gotten a lot of feedback through my life from people telling me that I appear full of myself, arrogant, cocky, condescending, prideful, and I talk as if I know everything. I’m not sure but there is something about the first time people meet me that gives them this impression.  Or the second time.  The third.  Hell, even the twentieth time I come across like a horse’s ass.  At least that’s what my wife gleefully tells me.

To be honest, this was basically my modus operandi (MO) in high school.  Standard operating procedure.  My motto was the same as George W. Bush – preemptive strike, take no prisoners, target the fat chicks.  I think I backed off of my wanton meanness in college a little bit for more of a sense of bitingly sarcastic.

I felt and still feel that I was misunderstood.  Hey, no one knows Lucky Rob like I do and take it from me, I’m a helluva nice guy.  I’m Mr. Rogers with a better haircut.  Maybe its the natural look on my face, a sorta half-smirk, half-disgust.  Or maybe its my way of using long-winded explanations on every topic, even on ones that I have no knowledge about.  Whatever it is that causes this misconception … I’ll tell you one thing:

It’d be a helluva lot easier to be humble … if I weren’t so Awesome!

Just stick with me on this one.  I know that I have an ERA with girls on par with Chien Ming Wang.  I know that I’m 5′ 8″, white, and blessed with the same athletic ability as a paraplegic Tibetan yak.  I know that the one thing that makes me truly exceptional is the rancorous odor of my flatulence.  And of course I know that I eat cereal loudly.  Very loudly.  Very slurpy.

You might ask yourself what could Rob be so cocky about given his obvious shortcomings and profane idiocy of which this website is sustained evidence.  His upbringing was more akin to feral wolves than a family.  His parents had as much money as Mortimer and Randalph AFTER they were duped by Billy Ray Valentine.  And his family moved around from military base to military base like an Army funded Grateful Dead concert.

But despite all of this … I can tell you in concrete terms why I am freaking stud.  After this list of 25 items, I’m sure you’ll agree that I’m not just Lucky, but a B.A.M.F.  And I don’t mean a teleport from Nightcrawler, I mean a Bad Ass Mutha … shut yo mouth!

Here’s proof that even someone like me can find reasons to boast, to be cocky – even if these reasons are slightly … um … manufactured.

1. Video Game God. OK, so I like to play my video games on the Easy level.  This includes C&C Tiberium Wars, Streetfighter II, and Madden ‘08.  This allows me to wrack up ridiculous stats, such as the time R. Curtis #7 RB of the Buffalo Bills ran for 18,000 yards in a single season in Franchise mode.

2. Super Athlete. When I play co-ed or even against children – I play full bore, man.  When you sign up to play against the Bull, you’re getting the horns.  I don’t care if you are only six.  Cowboy up!

3. Physical Perfection. When I go to the gym, I wait for all the Hulks to clear away from my equipment.  I only want chicks and geeks in my lift zone.  And of course I only work my calves, which have inadvertently become above average from chasing misplaced soccer balls that sailed 50 yards wide during shooting practice.  That way when I flex in front of the mirror, I kinda look good.  Yeah, feel the burn.

4. Chess Strategist. Some people would say there is something wrong with using Chess as a means of bonding with Alzheimer patients.  I’d tell those people to mind their own damn business.

5. Master Chef. There is no one on this planet that can match the way I make my cocoa crispy cereal.  NO ONE I tell you!

6. Jeopardy Quizlord. My answer rate is in the high 70% … but I have a rule.  I only answer $100 questions.  Hey, that’s how I roll.

7. Michael Jordan. Beware my slick moves at the top of the key and my pull-up in your face jumper.  BAM!  Two points!  You may not have seen me at the Colvin Center that much because I was at the far end of the gym, court #4, playing with the Chinese exchange students.  They feared my cross-over.

8. Internet Guru. This blog and my dozens of visitors a week can attest that I have mastered the WWW.  In fact, by even using WWW I have proven my pedigree in the land of HTML.  I’ve applied my extensive online marketing knowledge to my blog and in the first day of adding Google AdSense to my website, I cleared $0.32.  Hey, just a few more hours and I can buy a postage stamp.  Impressed?  Kinda?

9. Elite Endurance. When I run, I blow past the grandmas in their pink track suits or the recovering medical patients as if to say I’m so far above you, you shouldn’t even be on my track.  When a real runner shows up, I feign injury and limp off the field.

10. I Need No Wingman. I’m such a stud and smooth talker that I don’t need a wingman.  What’s funny though is how many lesbians I’ve inadvertently encountered at singles bars.

11. Michelangelo. I draw ninjas.  My ninjas kick ass.  Recognize.

12. World Traveler.  I’ve been to Mexico (Cancun), Vietnam, Australia, and once had a layover in New Zealand where I saw the All Blacks rugby team board a flight.  Coming from Oklahoma that makes me the equivalent to your Uncle Traveling Matt.

13. Dancing Machine. I wrote a column awhile ago about how I was called White Chocolate.  But I’ll take it a bit further, I’m a chocolate bar with some nuts.  Almonds.  Big ones.

14. Idea Man. I’ve got tons of ideas.  I’m a visionary.  Too bad most of them involve converting 80s cartoons into successful real-time strategy games.  Can you imagine Command & Conquer: GI Joe vs. Cobra?  I know!

15. Smooth Operator. I can talk with the best of them.  In fact, my job interviews always go swimmingly.  I’ve never had an on-site interview that I have not come away with a job offer.  Ever.  Of course, I’ve had plenty of job interviews that centered on the shittiness of my college transcripts that didn’t go so well.

16. Casanova. I’ve got skills that the Kama Sutra had to censor.  Half of the Indonesian porn industry considers me their dalai lama.  I’m so skilled at the bedroom arts that my wife only permits such activity once per fiscal quarter.  She spends the rest of the quarter peacefully sleeping.  Wait a second …

17. Pele 2009. Everyone in Melbourne recognizes the skills on the pitch.  That’s right.  No one and I mean no one wraps their knees in fourteen layers of tape, gauze, and support braces like Lucky Rob.  You can write that one down.

18. Geek King. Depending on my audience, this could be seen as particularly and genuinely awesome … or horribly condemning and nerdy … but I’ve ‘acquired’ every D&D product ever created … that’s 1000+.  It’s a labor of love.

19. The Next Eminem. And by the next Eminem, I mean over-eager white guy that wants to fit in with black people except without the lyrical skillz.  My pimp hand is mediocre to below average.

20. Sudoku Samurai. Untouchable in the arts of numbered boxes, rows, and columns.  Of course, I create mock grids on Excel and then shade out the cells as I experiment with numbers in a multi-variable equation which mainly involves guessing, praying, and a lot of cursing.  My last puzzle took me just under 92 hours.

21. Sexy Hair. My only grooming techniques I stole from watching Bo Boatright style his hair with American Crew pomade in college and I recently got my hair cut by an Asian woman in Bendigo moonlighting as a hair stylist.  I believe that she actually used cattle shears on my head.  I am also deathly afraid that I have a receding hairline.  I check it every day in terror.

22. Perfect Smile. I don’t even have the heart to write anything here …

23. Rambo’s Immune System. I never, ever, ever get sick.  Healthy as a horse.  Unless you count severe grass, ragweed, and tree pollen allergies as sick.  I don’t.  Sure, I may look sick and sleep for 28 hours at a time, but its just natural.

24. Friend to All Animals. I was running laps at my soccer field when I was in high school when a dog miraculously cleared the chain link fence and ignored everyone else to nearly tear my imitation Umbros completely off my body in a rabies fueled rage.  Chrispy was there, he witnessed the whole thing.  Actually, I have this effect on most people.

25. Mind Like A Steel Trap. The only things that I can reliably remember is 1) people that piss me off, 2) movie quotes and dick jokes, 3) the perfect recipe for hot chocolate, and 4) to raise the lid when I urinate.  Ok, maybe just those first three.

And that ladies and gentlemen is why I kiss myself in the mirror every time I see myself.  Cheers!