Not sure if you heard, but Michael Jackson died this month.  A lot of news has surfaced since his passing about the King of Pop.  For instance, apparently he was whiter than Lily Tomlin.  And apparently other than little tufts of peach fuzz, he had less hair than Dolly Pardon.  And apparently his arms and legs were covered in more track marks than Amy Winehouse.  And apparently he had the lung capacity of the Marlboro Man.  And he used to dress as a woman sneak out of Neverland Ranch to have gay sex with men.

Hey, I’m not saying that any of this is true, but its all stuff I’ve seen on morning TV in Australia.

Regardless of MJ’s public foibles and dalliances with criminal charges and civil suits, one fact remains.  He was the greatest performer of my generation.  The only others than can compare (Bing Crosby, the Beatles, and Elvis) were so far before me that I can only appreciate as an historical onlooker whereas I actively participated in Jackson’s meteoric rise to fame.

One thing that I’ve heard was that in the Michael Jackson’s private vault, next to the Necronomicon and the Illuminati weekly newsletter, are hundreds of unfinished, unreleased songs.  And that got me thinking … if done correctly, the posthumous King of Pop album could be the best ever made.  And here’s how I’d do it.

First, let me give you Exhibit A on why Michael Jackson is the greatest entertainer of my generation.  This is essential to understanding why this album could be the biggest ever.

Exhibit A.  I present to you the Motown 25th Anniversary Special.

There are a couple of things that I want to point out about this performance before we get started.  First, Thriller is the best selling album of all-time.  It has sold 103 million copies.  Let’s just put that into perspective for a moment.  If you add up the entire careers of the following artists, Thriller has beaten each of them: Tupac, Eminem, Metallica, Billy Joel, Bon Jovi, Cher, and yes the Jonas Brothers.

And of that album, Billy Jean is undoubtedly its crowning glory.  Billy Jean was the first video by an African American to ever be shown on MTV.  Ever.  Apparently, before that MTV had an exclusive contract with the KKK’s greatest hits.  Then there was the Thriller video, where Michael Jackson openly professed a belief and endorsement of the occult.  And every kid pretended he was the headless zombie breakdancer at the end.

In total, MJ has sold over a 750 million albums.  Add in the Jackson 5 and that is another 100 million albums.  I listened to an interview with Chris Connelly (former MTV correspondent) and he said that Michael Jackson was the last artist expected to actually sing and dance at every show … and he did.  Now artists like Britney Spears are dancing to lipsynced lyrics while freebasing jelly roles backstage.

So with that in mind, here is my step by step formula for taking those lost songs and creating the Greatest Album Ever Created or the GAEC.

1. Producers.  Bring me Quincy.  I’m not talking about Jack Klugman as the Los Angeles County medical examiner.  I’m talking about the Quincy Jones.  If there is one fact in life, whether you are Latino, white, Chinese, or Oompa-Loompa … get yourself a black producer.  And if you can choose then pick a name out of this hat: Quincy Jones, Dre, Quik, Timbaland, the Neptunes, Will.i.am, Swizz Beatz, Jermaine Dupri.  The list goes on and on.

Here’s the honest truth – the age of the white man in music producing crashed and burned a horrible, roadside death thanks to Phil Spector, aka Afro Skeletor (see picture below).

It seems to be a strange result of power that manifests itself differently between white and black celebrities.  And just so you know – Warning! – this is a blatant stereotype.  White guys start referring to themsleves in third person, buy a lot of guns, and end up living the wet dream of Clockwork Orange whereas black guys just get really, really high … and in the case of Rick James do enough cocaine to kill a waterbuffalo.

And as we all know from every musician ever featured on Behind the Music, drugs make for hella great albums.

2. Collaboration. It’s time to bring in the big guns.  When this project gets greenlighted, I am sending the A-Team to the hollowed volcano lair in Argentina where Tupac is currently hiding and bring him back to the United States.  It’s time for him to get back in the studio and release his 27th post-death album … but this time, he’s going to collaborate with Michael Jackson.

But that’s not all … I’m going to dig up James Brown’s dead body, prop him on an airport luggage dolley and stand him next to MC Hammer for a superstar, music video dance off with Jacko.  It’s Hammertime vs. the Moon Walk, winner takes all.  I’m gonna get Clay Aiken … just because he might be the only man in American that could make Michael Jackson seem butch.  After I’m done, MJ will seem like Wolfman Jack on Viagra with penile implants.

And let’s throw in Justin Timberlake … just because that Hansel’s so hot right now.

3. Joe Jackson. Somehow, someway we’ve got to get this crazy bastard involved.  Even if its just him reading poetry over some of the end of CD instrumentals ala Jim Morrison or do a cover of the Scatman.  This guy is pure money gold like it drips in a trail while he walks like a puppy with dysentry.   Too much?

4. LaToya Jackson. See above.

5. Album Launch. When the album is just about to be revealed, we’ll OJ out of prison to drive around LA in a painted bus pimping the album and threatening to kill himself with the master tracks as Al Cowlings drives 5mph.  On top of the van, Courtney Love makes heroine booty time with Mark David Chapman.  And finally if we can get Tipper Gore to label the album trash, obscene, and un-Christian just as Luke of 2 Live Crew uses it as a toilet seat.

Bing.  Bang.  Boom. 1 Billion albums sold.  You’ll see.