Everyone has heard the statistic – over 50% of marriages end in divorce.  Fifty percent.  But as with all statistics, that number is easy to manipulate, to misconstrue.  Here’s the truth about that 50% – most divorces are like a Lays potato chip, you never just have one.  If four couples get married, and one gets divorced three times should that really mean 50% of all marriages fail?  Or should the more accurate statistic be that 25% of people are narcissistic, self-loathing bastards?

I’m married and I’m Catholic.  Which means that for better or worse, the Lucky Girl is my only girl until one of us dies.  This despite that fact that she ‘accidentally’ locked me in our garage for three hours. We are quickly approaching our 4-year anniversary this year.  With the last one of my high school buddies to recently get engaged, I’ve been thinking on how best to give advice that will give them the best opportunity to succeed.

Ladies and gentlemen, brides and grooms, I present you with the Marriage Contract.

By simply honoring these simple steps, you can guarantee that will be stuck with that your significant partner forever.  Forever.  So before you look meaningfully into the eyes of your chosen soulmate, be careful what you wish for.

The Rules of Fighting:

• Man: I promise not to hit, shove, grab, tussle, tossle, intimidate, threaten, pull, push, or yell at you during any of our arguments.  I reserve the right to swear at you under my breath when you leave the room and then deny it if you happen to overhear it.
• Woman: I promise not to make comments about the size of your penis, your proficiency in the bedroom, your success as a father, or about your mother.  At least to your face.
• Man: I promise to let you have the last word, otherwise our arguments will never end and quite frankly I’ve already forgotten what you were mad about.
• Woman: I promise to create a mental database of everything you’ve ever done in our marriage, everything that you’ve ever done while we were dating, or even just stories I have heard about you from random strangers, and recall them with Pentium speed and efficiency until the end of your life.

Date Night

• Man: I will proactively learn what you like, make plans and arrangements without help, and take you out on a real date at least once a month even if it includes movies with a lot of crying or dancing.
• Woman: If I am not efficiently operating the remote control, then I will surrender it upon first asking by my husband, because I know that for him this is more important than foreplay.
• Man: I will not flatulate or scratch body hair in public.  I will wait until the nearest men’s restroom.  Or until we are in the car.
• Woman: I will not talk or ask questions during the movie.  I will pay closer attention or I will wait until I get home to read the movie summary on wikipedia.

PMS

• Man: I will hide in a bunker for three to ten days each month.
• Woman: PMS is a biological cycle that produces a hormonal reaction that effects my energy level, my patience, and my mood which is beyond my control.  Despite this … I will still apologize to husband when its over.
• Man: I will not blame your bad mood on PMS … unless I maintain a careful astrological calendar and Excel spreadsheet proving that you are indeed entering the pre-menstrual cycle.  Then its not chauvinistic, its science.
• Woman: I promise not to have a “state of our marriage” talk during PMS.
• BONUS:  Man: When menopause finally arrives, I will let loose a Mardi Gras, Carnivale, World Cup block party and celebration with my closest 10,000 friends where I engage in eighty seven straight keg stands.

The Past is Past

• Man: I promise not to ask about your previous boyfriends.  If I do, then my punishment will be hearing about your past boyfriends and the eternal mental stain that is inflicted forever on my ears and brain.
• Woman: I promise not to share about my previous boyfriends.  Ever.

The Bedroom

• Woman: I will give my husband four coupons for romance-free, no talking, no foreplay sex each year.
• Man: I will endeavor with listening, conversation, and foreplay to never have to use one of those sex coupons.  By endeavor, I mean try really hard for at least half an hour.
• Man: What happens in the bedroom, stays in the bedroom.
• Woman: I will brag to all of my friends about my husband’s prowess in the boudoir … even if I have to lie.

Respect

• Man: I will never let anyone disrespect my wife.  Not even our children.
• Woman: I will not talk bad about my husband to my friends.

Sports

• Woman: If my husband plays in an organized league that has at least one paid referee, then I will attend at least 25% of his games.  If we have a son, I will proactively point out daddy every five minutes and brag about his athletic powers.
• Man: If I injure myself playing sports, then I deserve to be lectured on my responsibilities.  If I am hurt, then I promise to let my wife veto my sports activities despite my willingness to tough it out.
• Woman: If I am better at sports then my husband, then I will not bring it up in his presence.
• Man: If my wife is better at sports than me, then I take solace that my kids will at least have one side of good genes.

Stress Management

• Man: I will listen to my wife talk about her day, despite not really knowing who or what you are talking about and not having the right mental capacity to actively listen.
• Woman: I will give my man at least thirty minutes of playing on the computer, video game, reading the newspaper, or just staring off into space without talking.
• Man: When my wife tells me her problems, I will try to be sympathetic and understanding rather than trying to fix them.
• Woman: When my husband tells me about his problems or worries, I will show my affection for him with food.

Til Death

• Woman: If I die before my husband, then I still want him to be happy.  Which means only after a suitable time of crying, throwing himself on my gravestone, and watching sappy love movies that I liked.  After five years of grieving, he has my permission to find someone new.
• Man: If I die before my wife, then I still want her to be happy.  Which means her growing into a lonely old crone with pictures on me on every wall or joining a convent.

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