And now ladies and gentlemen, the 2009 edition of the Dick Cheney Universal Altruism Award as selected by LuckyRob.com.  Our last recipient was none other than Kevin Siembieda, owner and designer of the Palladium Megaverse as well as a colossal Dick.

I reserve this award for people that really inspire a certain emotion from me.  The same emotion that the former Vice President and current polygamist, Cheney, elicited.  Call it an equal mix of loathing and terror.  This particular year’s award is special because I’m presenting it to a worthy candidate from my newly adopted homeland – Australia.

So without further ado I present to you Kyle Sandilands.  Congratulations, Kyle, you’re a Dick!

This year’s winner is probably completely unknown to American readers, so let me spend a little time to introduce him.  Here is a recent photo of Kyle Sandilands:

Just by the look of him, you can probably already tell this guy is a Dick.  And you’d be 100% right.  Kyle made his claim to face as a morning radio shock jock.  He was loud, brash, and moronic, but advertisers liked him because he appealed to a younger audience.  Kyle with his on-air partner, Jackie O, was also consistently in the #1 spot in Australia.  For these efforts he earned an annual salary of 2 million AUD with bonuses for being in first place that could add up to another 800,000 AUD.  That’s real money.

I’m not hatin’ on Kyle for making a good living on the radio.  My beef comes in just a bit …

With his success on morning radio, Kyle was able to parlay that to a spot as a judge on Australian Idol.  He was the mean judge that talked about being able to sell an image rather than having any input on musical talent … because he has none.  Let’s be realistic – his claim to fame is moronic broadcasting to hoons all over Australia, not singing, not strumming a guitar, not making a record, not even designing the cover art for the album.  No, his talent was talking shit on your morning drive.  For this gig, he added another 1 million AUD to his pockets.

Still, I’m not drinking the Hatorade yet.  If a guy wants to be an asshole, fine.  Someone has to be the jackass and it might as well be Kyle.  By the way, just to give you an idea of his money in terms of US dollars, we’re looking at about $3 million or after the huge tax burden from Down Under, $1.5 million after taxes … just for being a pompous twit.

Call it a dream job.

So morning radio and Australian Idol – the career of Kyle Sandilands.  This is why he is the 2009 Dicky winner.  Kyle had a bit on his morning radio show with the following premise: bring on a fake lie-detector, strap up a 14-year old girl, and ask her questions about her sex life in front of her mother.  That was the bit.  Already, any lawyers that are reading this can see the potential pit falls.

Well … it gets worse.

So the beginning of it starts innocently enough considering the circumstances.  The girl is there.  Her mom is there.  Kyle and his cohort, Jackie O, are there.  They identify this girl by name.  On air.  Finally, the big question arrives.  He asks her if she has ever had sex.  The girl quiets for a moment, thinking that she is genuinely attached to a lie detector, and then says feebly, “I was raped when I was 12 years old …”

Holy shit!  Stop the show, punch your producer in the fame, apologize to the listeners, call Dr. Phil, and give this poor girl a hug.

That’s not what happened.  Kyle kept going, asking questions intent on embarrassing her further, until his co-host pulled the plug on the bit and the show was stopped.

The good news?  He has since been dismissed from Australian Idol, suspended indefinitely from his radio show, and subject to public ridicule from sponsors, advocacy groups, and in general all of Australia.  How appropriate.

So, Mr. Kyle Sandilands … Congratulations, you’re a Dick!