The Wiggles started in 1991 with three guys at Macquarie Uni in the early education program. Apparently, they were the only 3 dudes in a class of 600 women. Go figure. Anyways, as part of a class project, they put together a CD of children’s music. A few of them had roots in a successful Australian pop band, known as the Cock Roaches.  Not exactly what I would have chosen … maybe the Ebola Viruses would have been better.

Anyways, they needed a keyboardist for their project so Anthony Field contacted his former band mate, Jeff Fatt.  And, as they say Down Under, Bob’s your uncle.  The Wiggles were born.  They have become the most successful Australian music act, netting over $50 million annually with tours, merchandise, theme park additions, and even foreign country Wiggle team franchisees (the Vàng Wiggle?).  Strangely enough, the Wiggles of all things have been spared the Australian reaction of the “tall poppy syndrome” and they are now apart of Aussie legend.

Not all has been smoothing sailing.  In 2006, the Yellow Wiggle (Greg Page) was diagnosed with a health disorder and he stepped down, allowing the new Yellow Wiggle (Sam Moran) to take his place.  And this got me thinking – the remaining original Wiggles are all over 45 years old.  It is clear that they want their enterprise to continue … so what are the Wiggles going to look like in 2015?

I’m glad you asked.

The Purple Wiggle: The oldest of the remaining trio is the purple Wiggle (Jeff Fatt).  The Purple Wiggle is particularly important because he’s the token wiggle, the only nod towards cultural diversity.  Jeff is in his mid-fifties and based on how often he sleeps during their performances is clearly past his active years.  He’s my first candidate to be replaced by the second member of Generation Part Deux of the Wiggledom despite the mystic Chinese ability to ignore the effects of aging until reach the age of 85.

Now let’s look into the Magic Eightball and figure out who will be the next Wiggle …

Most of the Purple Wiggles roles in the songs is playing the keyboard, so our replacement has to have some musical chops.  All of them actually play instruments, but Jeff is always behind a keyboard or holding an accordion, and to make an understudy swap into the team with minimal effort, he’ll need to carry the load of his predecessor.  Um, that sounded bad.  When I say ‘load’ I don’t mean … ah forget it.

For the the Sleeping Wiggle let’s go all the way to real stardom.  None other than Pharrell of the Neptunes.  Based on the last ten years has there been a hotter producer?  Hell nah!  And instead of Jeff bouncing up and down behind an electronic keyboard, Pharrell will be behind some turn tables if he’s not crip walking to Hot Potato.

Welcome to the team, Pharrell!

The Red Wiggle: I’ve been watching Murray pretty closely and his dancing has dropped off considerably since 2007.  He has mastered an art that even most white men struggle with … the ability to dance without moving your hips.  Murray sways his legs back and forth, waves his arms about, but his hips are frozen in place as if on an invisible axis.  It’s actually quite amazing.  I think its his knees.  Which is why he’s my next candidate for retirement.  Murray, the King of Guitars, take your final bow.

Who is his understudy?

When Greg had to hand over the yellow shirt to Sam it was televised and posted on their website.  The goal was to make it a learning experience.  And by learning experience, they mean a way to soften the blow to the mothers and fathers that had grown attached to Greg.  As we all known, the little kids scarcely realize if they’ve dropped a deuce in their diaper, let alone the facial differences between two black-haired, yellow-wearing, singing guys on TV.  I’d be surprised if my son even knew that Sam and Greg were different people.  Let’s call this gestalt wiggle Smag.

So I think Murray’s retirement can be used for another learning experience.  Remember the Muppets did the same thing … they used a a trans-gender Muppet.  My only knowledge of trans-genderness is extremely limited.  I can basically only draw on Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs.  Instead of a Muppet maybe we should call it a Tuck-it.  It puts the lotion in the basket.

I feel that the Wiggles should follow the same example.  Consider it an extremely, in-depth learning experience.  And that’s why the next Red Wiggle will be a trans-gender being … or at least someone could easily pass for one for the purposes of the in-show dramatic segment.  Who else could fill this roll other than the magical Amy Winehouse.  No one says learning experiences like the track marks in her arms, tramp stamp, and the endless miles on her face.  And to think she’s only 25.

Congratulations, Amy!

The Blue Wiggle: What most people don’t realize is that the Blue Wiggle (Anthony Field) is really the brains behind the show.  His brothers serve as producers, managers, and assistant song writers.  His mother is even in charge of all of the floral decorations for the shows and tours.  Anthony directs their stage performances and produces their music from Hot Potato Studios.  I don’t see him retiring for some time without an injury or ailment.  He has lost considerable weight, maintains a strict exercise regiment, and eats very healthy.  Not to mention he’s got top and bottom, fluorescent white veneers.

I know this because I’ve mastered Google and Wikipedia.

More importantly, the Blue Wiggle is the emcee, particularly after the first Yellow Wiggle retired.  So we need a vibrant personality.  He plays the drums, as well, but that’s hardly a consideration when all of the other stuff is weighed in comparison.  We need a larger than life personality.  Someone accustomed to performing in front of huge crowds and that possesses the physical abilities of the Blue Wiggle.  I present Jeff Hardy from World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE).

Can you imagine the explosion from the crowd when Wags just barely struggles his beaten and broken form to the turn buckle to tag in Jeff Hardy who explodes from the top rope to give Dorothy the Dinosaur a triple back flip pile driver into a steel chair!  Think about the plot twists as a hard-core rules feud develops between Hardy and Captain Feathersword.  Jeff Ross may actually explode if he got to announce it.

Jeff Hardy, ladies & gentlemen!

The Lost Wiggle: As an extra bonus to this article, I’m predicting that the Wiggles expand to include a Fifth.  We call him the Lost Wiggle, but he is officially known as the Black Wiggle.  Sounds ominous.  This Wiggle also embraces a learning opportunity, a message about mental problems.

Without further ado, I present Joaquin Phoenix – the Black Wiggle!

I love the idea of the Wiggles dancing around the stage, singing Hoop Dee Doo, while the Black Wiggle curls into the fetal position and weeps softly.  Or the dramatic segment where Joaquin drives the Big Red Car into a Big Brick Wall after drinking too many Wiggly vodka shooters.  It could be magical.  It could be special.

I present you with GenII of the Wiggles – Pharrell Williams, Amy Winehouse, Jeff Hardy, Joaquin Phoenix.  And Sam.

I’m not sure I can wait til 2015.