Are you having a bad day?  Life not treating you kindly?  Perhaps you find your current circumstances unfair?  There are times when you try your best, but due to blind misfortunte or serendipity only failure results?  Well, well … on those days when you are feeling low, I want you to remember the story of a man named Kakhaber Kaladze.

Kakhaber Kaladze was born on the 27th of February, 1978 in Samtredia, Georgia, formerly one of the Soviet Republics.  Mr. Kaladze is also an international soccer player and was voted Georgian Footballer of the Year in 2001, 2002, 2003, and 2006.  He wears the #4 shirt and plays either center back or left back.  Indeed he is the captain of his national team.  Sounds good so far.

Before I continue, let me first explain something about soccer defenders.  There is one cardinal sin that a defender can make, a sin that is unforgivable.  No, the ultimate sin is not allowing a defender to score.  In fact, that most deadly sin is not allowing a striker to achieve a hat trick.  These are horrible mistakes assuredly, but the job of defending as well as goal keeping pays a heavy price for any lapses in concentration.  The job of defending provides no glory, little money, and all the scrutiny of losses.  The defender’s karmic spirit is indeed an old French whore.

No, the worst thing a defender can do is to score an own goal.  This is where quite simply you kick the ball into your own net.  There is no equivalent of an own goal in American sports, but let me try to put this into context.  Firstly, scoring in soccer is a huge event – the culmination of an entire team’s focus and will.  The equivalent in baseball would be for an infielder to stop a ground ball and then throw it over the outfield wall for a double TWENTY TIMES in a row.  Or in basketball, the point guard accidently hitting NINE 3 POINTERS on his own basket.  Football?  How about the half-back running the length of the field and out of his own end zone on every snap for the ENTIRE FIRST QUARTER.  Starting to get the picture?

Let me take it a step further and introduce you to another soccer defender who had a bad day – Andrés Escobar.  Escobar played defender for Columbia in the 1994 World Cup in the USA.  Against the host of the event, Escobar attempted a sliding clearance and put the ball into his own net past his keeper.  It turned out to be the decider as the USA scored the biggest upset in their WC history to that point with a 2-1 victory over the very team that Pele had predicted to win the entire tournament.

Upon his return to his home country, Andrés Escobar was shot to death.  Reports indicate that for each of the 12 bullets fired into Escobar’s body, the assassin yelled “GOOOOOL!”  I’m honestly not making this up.  If I were to make it up, then I’d say that the assassin after completing his hit, pulled his shirt over his head and ran around the dead body of defender with his arms flapping like a bird.

Now let’s go back to Kakhaber Kaladze.  Yeah, as you guessed it by now poor Kaladze did indeed score an own goal.  And to make matters worse, it was against his national team not his club team.  And to make matters worse, it was in a World Cup qualifier against Italy for the 2010 tournament.  And …

Yeah, that’s right – it actually gets worse …

He scored on his own team … TWICE.  Twice in the same match.  In fact, he was the only goal scorer of the game.  This poor, dumb bastard, once Mr. Georgia Soccer, is now the epitome of a monkey humping a football.  How in the hell do you score on your own team twice in a single game?  It’s un-fucking-believable.

Just in case you needed proof … and are desperate to feel better about yourself … here are both own goals via Youtube.  Enjoy.

After the match, Good Ole Mr. Kanish apologized profusely.  I think I would have taken a different tact.  I would have executed the entire Italian football team ala Kaiser Soza and then faked my own death in a fiery blaze on the Georgian team bus.  There is no way … and I mean NO WAY … that I would ever return to Georgia.  Call me Jason Bourne from now on as I tour Europe with set of fake passports and a beat up Volvo.

Now don’t you feel better?