A lot of news has recently come up over a young lady … um … young person named Caster Semenya.  Basically, there is a dispute over the South African sprinter’s gender after she/he/it dominated in the 800m in the 2009 World Championships in Athletics.  During the championships, other sprinters claimed that Caster Semenya was … wait for this … a dude.  I’ve got some thoughts on this and like Sherlock Holmes, I believe I can solve the case of the missing baton with deductive reasoning.

Here’s the problem.  I’ve actually delved into this topic once before with the case of Andreas Krieger.  Gender tests are not as simple as dropping trow and inspecting the bits below the belt.  Firstly, there is surgery that can lop the willy right from his perch and put an appropriate vessel in its place.  To my knowledge you cannot transplant the ovaries and uterus, but I hear the French are working around the clock on that project.

It gets worse.  It gets infintisimally more complicated, because as Lady Gaga can assure you some people are naturally born with bits of both.  I am of course talking about the legendary hermaphrodite, the only person in the world that can actually go screw themself.  Would you classify this being as a he, a she, or a shim?

And that’s just on the anatomical level. Going a step further …

What about people that born with female and male chromosomes.  Females have two X chromosomes (XX), while males have one X and one Y (XY).  These chromosomes represent 5% of all DNA in women and 2.5% in men, clearly indicating that gender plays a vital role in the genetic development of an individual.  But in instances where human beings are born with XYX, known as Klinefelter’s Syndrome, are they male or female?

What about XYY?

What about ( * )( * )?

Exactly my point.  Who the hell really knows if Ryan Seacrest points or squats.

1. The Empirical Evidence: Firstly, let’s examine the performances on the track.  In the 2008 World Junior Championships, Semenya ran a 2:04.23.  Then in the 2009 African Junior Championships, Semenya ran a 1:56.72.  The IAAF intervened at that point sensing that an improvement of over 7 seconds in the 800m in less than nine months (and 25 seconds in the 1500m) was a bit far-fetched for a woman.  They requested a gender test.

This is indeed a dramatic improvement, but it doesn’t necessarily state that Semenya is a man.  In fact, when I was turning 18, I didn’t have a sudden burst of cheetah like speed – even in relativity to my slow whiteness.  I am surprised that they didn’t instead expect her of PEDs.  Wouldn’t that be a more natural conclusion?

2. Behavioral Insight: If I could conduct a short evaluation of Semenya under psychological pretenses then I believe we could compile more evidence.  Here is a sampling of the questions I would ask:

• Which do you prefer:
  • A) Lifetime Channel
  • B) the Lumberjack World Championships
• When I see large breasts, I think:
  • A) Awesome!
  • B) That bitch!
• I show affection to my friends by:
  • A) Buying scented candles
  • B) Holding them down and farting on their head
• When I use the toilet and the seat is raised, I think:
  • A) Whoa, these things raise up?
  • B) That bastard!
• When I order a steak and it arrives rare, I say:
  • A) Blood makes the grass grow, KILL KILL KILL!
  • B) Icky

3. Lucky’s Deductions: By using my highly scientific mind, I believe I can deduce some facts that may have previously escape public attention.  I believe that clues may lie in the name of this athlete.  Let me light up my pipe and put on my detective hat.  Let’s begin, shall we, Watson?

Her name is Caster Semenya (last name pronounced SEMEN-YAY!).  Let’s focus on her first name – Caster.  Is this not the name of a man?

Let me explain.  Consider the sport of fly fishing, truly a manly endeavor as popularized by Brad Pitt and Tom Skerrit.  To fly fish you go into the wilderness.  You’re at the river with your “rod” and you are “casting” it into the waters to collect fish.  Hmm.  Someone with a rod would be a Caster, right?

Aha.

Diagnosis: Unfortunately without further testing, the truth is that we may never know fully as the line distinguishing between men and women is a too fine to measure.  If indeed Caster Semenya is a woman, then I feel particularly bad for her that such a claim was made.  It’s basically saying – “well, she is quite mannish.”

Ultimately, I’ll turn it over to you, the reader, to decide.  Comment and cast your vote.

Below is a picture of the South African sprinter.  Dude?  Or Dudette?