When I was a kid, after seeing Tim Burton’s Batman (1989), I had this novel idea to be a costumed crime fighter.  That’s right, I thought that with a combination of training, Eastern philosophy, and a shitload of guns I could stalk the mean streets of New York looking to do good deeds and bring criminals to justice … or at least delivering such a beating that would leave them too scared to commit future crimes.

Now don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t envisioning myself running around with tights with my underwear on the outside.  I was cool enough to see myself more as a Punisher figure, wearing biker leather, with a Zorro cape.  Okay, so I wasn’t that cool.  I was 13 years old at the time.

I’m now 33.  Unfortunately, my world view is now completely and drastically changed.  I don’t think that my desire to be the altruistic, non-profit superhero is nearly as strong as it once was.  In fact, its completely fucking dead.  Other than getting a teary eye watching RSPCA (aka Humane Society) video of abused circus bears, I have developed a strong sense of apathy for the rest of the world at large. The only uses I can conjure for my proposed superpowers is to rip off the stock market or in some other way become incredibly rich with little or no effort. Or maybe effect the outcomes of sporting events by using telekinesis to alter the flight of a football.  Or make people I hated in high school develop Irritable Bowell Syndrome.

It’s funny that the older you get, the closer you get to the dark side of the Force.  Luke, give into your Malox.  So let’s just embrace the fact that I’m past my hero days and I’m full bore on the sinister, wise cracking, pimp daddy, world conquering, smart ass Super Villian.  Deez Nuts.

The powers that I’d have are largely irrelevant.  Whether its a super-cranium, hyper-invention, magnetism, invisibility, psionics, Punk’d, or whatever … the nature of the powers shouldn’t really matter.  What DOES matter are my goals.  What would they be?  What tyrannical plots would unfold from my dark, twisted mind?  My powers whatever they may be would only serve to further these goals.

Here are the 10 plots, schemes, and scams I’d perpetrate all over Planet Earth if I were a Super Villain:

1. ESTABLISH A SECRET BASE

Always important to have a place called home.  I mean I can’t use TiVo just anywhere, right?  The hollowed volcano is a bit tired.  Same goes for the underwater lair and a lunar base is hugely unpractical (have you seen a successful fire drill on the moon?  not pretty).  So I’m thinking of basing myself someplace nice as an incentive to my henchmen and minions, yet that has the overwhelming ambiance of evil and greed with easy access to hookers.  Vegas, baby, Vegas!

It could be a themed casino/hotel with a penthouse suite armed with laser cannons and extensive subterranean torture chambers.  You know what – my casino is going to be a tribute to Bond villains, a combination Volcano, Underwater, Lunar headquarters, but with 5-star chefs and valet parking.  And of course, I’d book out Wayne Newton and Celine Deon for the entire year.  Maybe even make them do a duet.  Oooh, evil.

2. BUILD AN ARMY

Quite frankly, I’ll be far too busy to bust up every late payer in my protection racket … or drive every getaway car for my bank robbing spree.  I need an Executive Assistant.  In fact, I need about five thousand Executive Assistants armed with Uzi’s and a bad childhood.  I need a private army of largely expendable dumbasses that are just looking to make the slow climb up the criminal, corporate ladder.  I’ve got a better dental plan the Maffia.

I think it’s pretty clear that the Wu-Tang Clan would make a great cache of ninja assassins.  The revolution will be televised.  For my muscle, I’d like to recruit the entire cast from Monday Night RAW.  They are already steroid abusers prone to random violence with folding chairs and garbage cans.  Plus, can you imagine the hellacious after-parties from our sinister missions?  Awesome.

3.ELIMINATE MY RIVALS

The best way to rise to the top is to stamp on the throat of every competitor along the way.  Let me share with you a piece of advice that a VP at a sub-prime mortgage company shared with me: “Show no mercy for the dumb, the foolish, or the old and crippled.”  Plus, how annoying would it be to try to steal a Russian nucleur warhead only to have Darkseid’s guys show up at the same time.  Talk about embarrassing.

So, I’m sorry Dr. Doom, Kingpin, Anne Coulter, Magneto, and the Olsen twins … There can be only one!!!

The good thing about killing off other super villains is that the powers of karma are actually on your side.  Plenty of villains get whacked with no repercussions.  In fact, I believe they awarded Doctor Octopus the Iraqi Medal of Freedom for his strangulation of desert bad-guy, Al-ShaBoom.  Only one super-powered badass and that should be me.  I’m thinking Watchmen style eliminations with maybe something extra thrown for Coulter.  It’s personal, bitch.

4. BUILD A BRAND

It’s crucial to have a logo.  All of the good evil organizations have it – Cobra, Hydra, Nike.  I moon-lighted in the graphic design world back in my web, SEO days, so I’ve got some opinions on how my logo should look.  Firstly, I do not want any combination of my initials ala Tiger Woods, Roger Federer, or Tom Brady.  First, it defeats the purpose of being anonymous to investigators ala Keyser Söze.  Hmm, who do you think this Dr. Lucky could be?  Well his initials are RC so that narrows it down.  Plus, its just not that cool.

Nah, I’m more into fearsome stuff.  Since I was born in the year of the dragon (1976) and I have amazing powers of Wing Chun kung-fu I am going to make my villain logo a dragon.  My wife likes blue, so I guess I have to give her something.  A blue dragon … with lots of fucking teeth and big-ass claws.  Cool.  I may get it air-brushed on my getaway van.  Even cooler.  My henchmen will have to get it tattooed in two places.  First, on their arm.  Second, on their nut sack.  Now that’s a test of loyalty.

5. FRAME MY ARCH-NEMESIS

Most super villains attempt to kill their superhero adversaries with elaborate death traps that ultimately fail.  But not me.  Nope.  Bad karma can derail an entire criminal organization (see #3).  Instead, I’d attempt to frame my nemesis in the most humiliating, marginally criminal connivance imaginable.  I’m thinking crack pipes, teen prostitutes, golden showers, one of the Kardashians, possibly a close encounter with George Michael.  You get the idea.

Here’s my train of thought … once the American talk shows turns on the once valiant superhero and instigates the character assassination media cycle, he’ll soon become an embittered, angry super-powered miscreant … eager to join the ranks of my private, evil army (see #2).  No one gets booked on the Maury Povich show and still holds a believe in the goodness of humanity.

Better yet, I’ll have it fixed to award him the Nobel Peace Prize.  Apparently, that really pisses people off.

6. GET RICH

Now that I’ve established a secret base, summoned a private army, eliminated my rivals, and framed my only chance of being caught, it’s time to focus on the only reason that I got into this racket.  To get stinkin’ rich.  Bling!  Bling!  Absolute power is a 20th century concept that died with Hitler, Mao, and Stalin.  Nah, not interested.  Instead, I’ll take the Wall Street kind of power.  Call me Bill Gates.  Call me Oprah.

I quote Scarface: “first you get the money, then you power, and then you get the women.”

But … of course … I AM from the hip hop generation of suburban white kids, so I’ll be happy to flaunt my wealth in far more obvious ways that any of the stiff-collared jerks with money do now.  Would it be possible to get my teeth pimped out with a diamond grill on adamantium?  What about Skrull escort girls?  A hovercraft Escalade that runs on Energon cubes?  Damn right.

7. DEVELOP A HIGHLY PRETENTIOUS PERSONALITY

With all that money and servants, how could you not develop an over-the-top, world beater personality.  In fact, this might by the single aspect of being a super villain that I’m looking forward to most.  If you are a mastermind of a super-powered criminal syndicate, it is perfectly acceptable for you to dress like Liberace. I may walk around with a scepter, high-stepping like the Grambling bandleader with my theme music.

What about pets?  Anything goes.  My imagination is the only limitation.  A white tiger with bionic claws or mutated sharks that pull me on a surfboard.  In fact, I may genetically engineer something that does not exist in nature.  How about the Liger, a magically cross of a Tiger and a Lion, but with the powers of a unicorn.  Yes, yes, and yes.  So many choices.  I’m going to change with each fashion season, keep it original.

I may even develop a cheap English accent and start studying the Kaballah.  Shit, Madonna already does that.

8. INVENT COOL GADGETS

Let’s face it – nothing wins a super-powered dick measuring contest like gadgetry.  Why do you think Jack Nicholson was so confounded when Batman owned him in the art gallery.  “Where does he get such wonderful toys.”  It’s the pissing contest that matters most.  Here’s another old adage that plays perfectly into my point: How can you tell the men from the boys?  By the size of their toys.  And I want to some big-ass toys.

Well, that aim is #7 on my villainous to-do list.  Make cool shit.

I may have to kill Steve Jobs or buy Hulu just to ensure my success.  Or maybe sponsor engineering scholarships to Asia.  Whatever it is I have to do – I will do it.  I’m not saying that all my toys need to have combat implications, but it’d be cool if all of them had secret throwing stars or tasers built in … just in case.  Another point of clarification: I’m still going to have actual powers other than just cool gadgets.  Normal human gadgeteers are tools.

9. DIVERSIFY INTO OTHER ENTERPRISES

Remember the goal.  Money.  Keep your eye on the prize.  There is no reason to make everything aspect of the Lucky organization at-risk of federal investigation or superhero attention.  I’m more than willing to follow the example of other successful super villains and expand into legitimate or pseudo-legitimate businesses, such as the New Jersey waste management industry or the Yankees.  Though if Kate Hudson starts dating one of my agents, I might have to feed her to a wood chipper or something.

Free of any moral standard or societal obligation to perform a good job, the money should come rolling in.  Of course, all of these companies will held by shadow corporations so any problems with the SEC will trace back to ghosts or fall guys in Switzerland.  I’m thinking of focusing on an under-utilized labor force – Nepalese children – that is if there are any left after the Pitt-Jolie binge.

10. SIRE AN HEIR & RETIRE

This is were most super villains make their key mistake. Just think about it.  Most super villains – such as Dr. Evil, Dr. Doom, Dr. Octopus, Dr. Kavorkhian – start the story with all of the things I’m targeting on this list.  They already have all crap I want – money, henchmen, gadgets, etc.  What do they do?  They keep going – either because they haven’t set proper financial goals … or because it gets personal with their nemesis.  And they eventually get caught.  Fuck that.  I’m too pretty to do hard time in a pound-me-in-the-ass prison.

Plus, I don’t want to be dressing in neoprene tights into my 60s, do I?  Hell no. Plus, I’d like to be able to turn over all the hard work and infrastructure over to the next generation of Lucky’s.  Early enough that I don’t have to keep looking over my shoulder for an usurpation from my little monster.  Isn’t he cute?!?!

So I’m making a plan to get out early.  I’m not greedy.  I don’t want to rule the world … especially as long as Detroit is still apart of it.  My goal is simple – $200 million in  a tightly, organized nest egg in undisclosed accounts of $100,000 or less.  You know that those are FDIC insured, right?  Once I hit my dollar mark, I’ll by happy develop a fun hobby or move to the ideal retirement ground for all aging dictators and tyrants – Argentina.

So that’s my 10 schemes.  I’m looking for soldiers in my Army of Darkness … you interested?

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