America is faced with great problems and they only seem to get greater as each year passes by.  It’s like we’ve got a huge scale with good stuff on one side and bad stuff on the other.  Each year more turd burgers get stacked on the bad side.  These turd burgers only fester and grow ever worse as they clump together in a fetid mess on the bad side of the scale and slowly the balance tips away from the good side.

The economy, health care, crime, immigration, global warming, corruption, terrorism, lead paint, and two foreign wars.  But I’ve got a solution about the war turd burgers.  In fact, I’m so passionate about how to solve the problems in Iraq, Afghanistan, and any other place that we feel messing with that I’m going to add an expletive to that.

I’ve got a FUCKING solution.  My philosophy of war.

Battle of Babylon: We’re currently involved in two major wars.  The first is Iraq.  The big question there is when or even if to withdraw our troops from that hornet’s nest of a UED, insurgency shithole.  Half of the population is caught in the religious wars armed with AK’s and C4 that Saddam’s dictatorship successfully pasteurized under the brutal pacification of absolute tyranny.  The other half apparently fights with their shoes.  Hmm.  Guess who wins that one?  I’m not wagering on the size 10 loafers, so we have to assume that the armed, religious crazies have it.

The USA officially invaded on March 20, 2003 with the supremely underwhelming Shock & Awe.  After watching 30 straight hours of CNN feed and hearing all the hype from the generals and news correspondents, I was fully expecting cyborg tyrannosauruses armed with stinger missiles and tractor beams marching through Baghdad.  At least send Gozar the Gozarian for Chrissakes.

Regardless the invasion strategy was supremely successful.  The pride of the Red, White, & Blue dismantled a sovereign nation with a massive standing military in only 21 days.  21 days?  “I don’t mean to rain on your parade, but we’re not gonna last 21 hours.  Those things are come in here like they did before, and they’re gonna come in here and they’re GONNA KILL US!”

Yay for us!

Not so fast.

The post-war strategy was apparently written on the back of a napkin at a Skulls kegger.  We had this idea that we would pull a Six Million Dollar Man, desert style.  We can rebuild him, stronger, faster.  Just like we did after WWII with Germany and Japan, right?  The brain trust in the White House answered the call of the generals with roughly half the soldiers they requested for the occupation … er … rebuilding.  You know the strategy suggestions from those generals that are professional soldiers … not former MLB franchising drunkards or crackshot lackeys of Haliburton.

In the ensuing six years, the upper estimates have 655,000 Iraqi civilians dead.  Estimates also place coalition military deaths at 4,667 … 93% of which are American.  I’m not even going into the quagmire of financial costs, war profiteering by US companies, and outright corruption on behalf of Iraqi officials.  Let’s just say this, the Washington Post estimates that the final cost of the war to the USA will be $3 trillion.  Second most expensive to WWII and second longest to Vietnam.

So far.

Poppies Will Make Them Sleep: The second battle royale is Afghanistan.  This was the first dance after 9/11, one that we took a short break from for the funky tango in Iraq.  Only problem is when we got back from our little side venture in Tikrit, we found out that our first partner now has a raging case of crotch crickets.  Things have gotten worse in our distraction.

We’ve essentially come to the conclusion that the Afghans are the real threat … after wasting six years chasing phantom WMD’s in Iraq, but having a helluva time kicking the shit out of the entire Hussein-in-the-brain family tree.  The Taliban has re-organized, Al Qaeda are now actually producing rap videos, and have pushed back their sphere of influence from beyond the caves of Tora Bora into the countryside.

At the same time, Afghanistan now supplies a huge percentage of the world’s opium and heroin.  Let’s be clear to the scale of this problem – the UN reports that as of 2007, 93% of the world opiates originated here.  Those same reports indicate that the drug production produces $4 billion, which is being used to fund terrorism, Taliban warlords, and the enlistment of Paula Abdul on Afghan Idol.  This trend of opium production started in 2001 … because the Taliban were ruthless in outlawing poppy farming.

Our question there is how many troops should we send over there to pacify the Taliban and the terrorist insurgents using the land of goats and opium as a secret Cobra headquarters.  Afterall, we’re sure that this is were the head of the terrorism snake is located. The number that the generals in the theater of war have recommended is another 40,000 soldiers to ensure victory and pacification.  Some people are hoping that we pull out completely (thank you Nobel Peace Prize pussies), while others say that we could make do with only an additional 25,000.

Hmm.  What to do?

My Philosophy: What the fuck are we doing?  Honestly.  Are we trying to be dumbasses and drag our poor soldiers through a twenty year debacle?

Here’s what really rankles me. The generals, the ones that we trained, the ones that we trust, are telling the lawyers and used car salesmen in DC what they need.  Then in return, those same Capital Hill twits are saying, “nah, I don’t think you really need that much.”  It’s like we’re trying to shoot for the lowest, crappiest bid on purpose.  “Ok, I say we can win with 40,000.  Anyone wanna go lower?  Going once … going twice … OOH, a late bid of only 25,000 troops with no Humvees.  Excellent!”

What the hell are we doing?

We low-balled in Iraq and look what happened.  The country is still on the verge of complete civil war.  There are a whole lot of dead people (Americans and Iraq mothers & children), gross embarassment for the United States across the world and cosmos, all with the tidy price tag of $3 trillion.

You wanna know what I’d do?  If we decide to go to war, and I really mean IF it were necessary because American lives or critical interests were in danger … let’s stop acting like monkeys humping a football and really go for the win.  And win big.  Let’s treat war like college football and the BCS.  Is it so bad to shoot for a 55-0 blowout when it comes to warfare?  Hell no!  Run up the damn score.  We’re not even going to put in our back-ups.  You’re getting a steady dose of Green Berets, Navy SEALS, Delta Force, and Lee Majors, motherfuckers.

We want the next country that gets in our warpath to shit their pants just at the sound of our cargo planes turning on their diesel engines on a tarmac in Guam.  Get me Chuck Norris.

If I were Commander-in-Chief, President Lucky if you will, and my generals asked for 40,000 soldiers, guess what I’d do?  I’d send over 100,000 TROOPS.  That’s right.  Total overkill.  Here’s your 40,000 for your strategy.  And here’s another 40,000 just to look out for those guys.  And here’s another 20,000 with cement trucks to fill up every God damned snakehole, foxhole, and shithole in Tora Bora so we never have to worry about that crap again.

Why do we insist on fighting wars with one hand tied to our balls?

Now you might say, “Whoa!  Ease down there, John Wayne”.  That’s not realistic.  Too expensive.  Well, guess what?  If we’d made sure we had done the job perfect the first time, call it Flawless Victory, then I can guaran-damn-tee you that we wouldn’t be in there half as long as we have been.  We’ve been in Iraq for six years, Afghanistan for eight.  Guess what – a lot of soldiers have served over there in staggered tours.  If they are going to be there anyway, let’s get them all over there at once so we can do what we came to do and then get the hell out.

With more soldiers, equipment, and commitment, that equates to faster achievement of goals, less time on the ground, less casaulties, and thereby less dollars.  If we go into a battle with 1,000 Army Rangers against 1,400 Taliban rebels, guess what?  We’ll probably win.  Better equipment, better training, better command.  Of course, we’ll take casualties in the process of wiping out 1,000 or so of their guys.  But check this out … if we fight those same 1,400 rebels with 5,000 Army Rangers … the battle is over before it started and all we need are 1,400 zip tie handcuffs.

I’m not advocating war on any level, mind you.  I’m not encouraging or supporting pre-emptive strikes or wars for the economic benefit of the private sector.  I’m just saying this … if we must go to war, then let them have the full brunt of the United States military arsenal.  If we’re not prepared for that type of total commitment, 100% to our fighting boys, our field commanders, and to our strategic agenda, then quite frankly we shouldn’t go to war.  Let’s sit that one out and let the diplomats have a crack at it until we’re completely sure.

But for God’s sake let’s stop pussyfooting around because of home-side, partisan politics and give our boys the best chance to win and the fastest way back home.