The final 32 teams of the FIFA 2010 World Cup have been decided, the nineteenth grand tournament of world football.  It is bigger than the Olympics.  It is bigger than the United Nations.  It is bigger than World of Warcraft.  I am happy to say that my country (THE United States of America), the place where I live (Australia), and the lands of my heritage (Germany & England) have all made it.  I am sorry to report that our despised rivals Mexico have also been included.  As second place in CONCACAF I might add … second place to deez nuts!

Sorry.  Sometimes I get distracted.

Anyways, I’ve got a plan on how the United States can win the 2010 World Cup, our first major FIFA trophy and the first country outside of Europe or South America to win said trophy.  We’re huge underdogs, but if we can get my plan in place then I’d say we’ve got a good to great chance.

But first, here are your World Cup qualifiers in full by region (WC winners are noted in italics):

UEFA (Europe): Denmark, England x1, Germany x3, Greece, Italy x4, Netherlands, Portugal, Serbia, Slovakia, Slovenia, Spain,Switzerland, & Ireland … oops I meant France x1

CONMEBOL (South America): Argentina x2, Brazil x5, Chile, Paraguay, & Uruguay x2

CAF (Africa): Algeria, Cameroon, Ivory Coast, Ghana, Nigeria, & South Africa

AFC (Asia): Australia, Japan, Korea DPR, & Korea Republic

CONCACAF (North & Central America): Honduras, Mexico, & the United States

OFC (Oceania): New Zealand

As this is the 19th World Cup, an interesting side note will see who can take continental supremacy – Europe or South America.  Currently, they are tied at 9 World Cup victories a piece.  Assuming of course that no one from the rest of the world wins one … which I’d be willing to bet both my testicles on without a moment’s worry.

But wait – the PLAN.

Yes, my plan to ensure victory for the Yanks.  You’re asking yourself – how are we going to win the World Cup against 31 other countries when we can’t even get our asses out of Afghanistan?  Well, this plan is much easier.  First, I’m taking ethics, budgetary constraints, and bi-partisan cooperation and wiping my butt with it.  Without those constraints, this should be as easy as pie.  It’s a two-part strategy.  First, improve the USA.  Second, make the other serious competitors worse.

The USA

According the FIFA World Rankings, the USA is currently 11th.  Right.  And my nipples glow in the dark.  The FIFA ranking system makes one crucial mistake – no strength of schedule component.  Last year we had 13 wins, 8 losses, and 3 draws.  If we had produced that record in Europe or South America, then that might be saying something.  Just this week, we lost to the Denmark 3-1.  I guess you could say we were Danal Invaded.  They are ranked 27th in the world.  My guess is that in reality we are closer to mid to high thirties.

There is no way we’d qualify for a World Cup if we weren’t playing Jamaica, Belize, Grenada, Cuba, et al.  If we had to qualify out of Europe, we’d be screwed.  So as you can see we’ve got a lot of ground to make up to make us World beaters.

Here’s the plan:

1. Get Brazilians. This might sound far-fetched, but really it’s not.  If the Japanese can get a Brazilian to naturalize to Nippon, then why not us?  Case in point, Japanese midfielder from their 2006 roster – Alessandro “Alex” dos Santos or as he is known in Japan, Santosu Aresandoro.  I shit you not.  Germans have done the same thing, unless you think Cacau sounds Deutsch?

But we have to be careful about who we get.  My first vote would be for Kaká, in my opinion the greatest player in the world right now.  But for him to fully naturalize, we’d have to translate his nickname and, quite frankly, Americans just could not cheer for a player named Shít.  Could you?  So …. let’s look at Robinho instead.  He’s a forward at Manchester City with a transfer cost of about 70 million USD.  Plus, he’s a dribble-first, flashy striker … perfect for American highlight reels ala Alan Iverson.

Why would he play for us when Brazil is not only his home country, but favored to win every tournament they enter?  Easy, hostages and blackmail.  Let’s get Dick Cheney on this one right away.

2. Theme Music. As I’m Gonna Get You Sucka taught us, every hero needs a theme song.  I believe that the right music is essential to redefining America as soccer badasses.  Just look at what Sergio Mendez did for Brasilia.  Watch this Nike football commercial and tell me if the Brazilians would be as good without Mas Que Nada playing in the background?

This is why my wife’s homeland, Vietnam, will never win the World Cup.  All of their songs are sad, sappy love songs … sorta like country western, but with forty seven vowels.  Very hard to play good soccer when you want to drive your electric scooter into a machine gun nest.

So I’m thinking we need to pull out the big guns … Let’s get Eminem to sample Elvis with Jimi Hendrix with the entire top 20 finalists from 2009 American Idol.  And just for good measure, let’s get Mel Tormé involved somehow.  Bingo-bango – we’ve got superhero theme music.

3. Petition FIFA to Allow Handballs. I don’t see why Thierry Henry should be the only exception.  As you can see in the following video, our Frenchie friend clearly and deliberately used his hand to keep the ball in hand to deliver the assist to eliminate Ireland from the World Cup just yesterday (cleverly called the Hand of Frog).

Well fuck!  If the USA knew that handling the ball was going to be suddenly allowed, then our entire team would be overhauled.  Goodbye Bocanegra, Feilhaber, and Bornstein.  Welcome Adrian Peterson, Dwyane Wade, and Lebron James.  If there is one thing that we Yankees are good at, it’s handling our balls.

Did you see that joke coming?  You should have.

4. Cheat. I’m not proud of doing this … but I’m not really ashamed either.  Here’s my first idea – bribe the officials.  The Italians have done it.  The Germans are currently being investigated.  And the entire world saw the crap the France pulled.  So why not us?  Sure, we’re in a financial downturn, but if we can get one crazy billionaire to get the ball rolling then we’re golden.  If Ross Perot will train and field his own private army to invade an independent, sovereign nation, then why won’t say Boone Pickens slip $10,000,000 in the referees dressing room.

Second idea – cover the entire mouth of the goal with a sheet of transparent, bullet-proof Plexiglas.  Make sure that its nicely wiped down so that it is completely invisible.  Sure, some shots may slip past Tim Howard, but they’ll bounce harmlessly back onto the pitch.  You know FIFA’s policy … there is no questioning the rulings of the official after the match.  There is NO video review in soccer.  Hehe.  It’s almost too easy.

Third idea – snipers with tranquilizer darts.  Imagine our newly naturalized Robinho (now simply known as He Hate Me) dribbling into a group of four defenders and magically all four of them fall down in convulsions.  Imagine how many goals we could score if the entire Dutch backline were anesthetized with darts in the jugular.  My God, it will be beautiful.

5. Nike. Do you know how much money Nike spends on foreign endorsement for soccer?  Back in 2006, Nike paid Brazil ~$150 million for sponsorship rights until 2018 with performance incentives.  Imagine if we put that money into the development of our domestic league or grooming American players?  Dare to fucking dream.

The Rest of the World

Okay, so that’s the plan for the United States.  Just that alone should be enough to guarantee first place … but just to be sure, I have some special things planned for our biggest competition.

Argentina: Simply extend Maradona’s coaching contract to ensure he will be the head man during the World Cup and then ship over a few kilos of Columbia’s finest a few hours before match time.  That should cover it.

France: For that match only, our team will dress in combat boots and military fatigues.  The Frenchies will quickly fall over themselves to surrender at the starting whistle.

Germany: This one might be difficult, but I’m sure that Obama could pull it off.  He did win the Nobel Peace Prize after all.  Just for May through July 2010, we need Germany to split back into East and West.  That should divide most of the real Germans away from the secret cadre of Polish players that have been smuggled into der Reichstag just for the purpose of football.  Yes, I’m talking to you Podolski.  And Klose.  And Trochowski.  And …

Italy: I’m taking a tactic from Jack Nicholson from Batman, but if we put a three part poison that only works when used in conjunction with each other in face cream, hair grease, and skin glitter then I’m sure that we’d get the entire Italian team.  Shit, we may just knock out the entire country.

Netherlands: These guys had a great qualifying run, but the Dutch always implode come World Cup time.  But just to make sure, they have to play their matches in wooden shoes.  We’ll get Sepp Blatter to work on that one.

Spain: Honestly, the same tactic with the Italians would work here.

Brazil: Despite the strength of their squad, this one should be pretty easy.  Just send in a gaggle of transvestite prostitutes loaded on crystal meth … wait 30 minutes and then send in the paparazzi.  The entire team will flee home in disgrace.  Plus, we’ve already got half their squad.  For some reason this is the Brazilian footballers kryptonite.  Go figure.

That should do it.  USA = Champions!  Be sure to check back after Dec. 4th when the groups are announced and I’ll make my World Cup predictions.  Ciao!